Guard your tongue

Fredrick Qaphelani Mabikwa Successful Solutions
THE good Book in Proverbs 18 vs. 21 says “death and life are in the power of your tongue”. How you talk determines how people look at you and how they perceive you and how in turn they relate with you. How you talk even determines your future. A simple rule of wisdom is just making sure you cut your words by half every time you speak. The more words you say the greater the chances of you saying the wrong things. Because of this, it is always wise to reduce the number of words you want to say and quickly hold your peace. We have two ears and one mouth and that proportion teaches us to speak less and listen more. Wisely consider the words you want to say rather than regret after you have said whatever you have said. Have you often said, “I wish I had not said that” or “why did I say that?” Such stress could be avoided only if you held and controlled your tongue.

In anger you say unprintable words. Yes you are angry and maybe someone has really wronged you. But what did you say to that person? You called them many names. Yes you can apologise and say you withdraw your words but does an apology and the claim to have withdrawn your words really heal the other person.

Many  a time we destroy good relationships by our speech, not thinking before we talk. You can build a relationship with someone for 20 years but it takes just a few minutes to destroy that relationship with your tongue. The tongue is fire. You accuse other people at times about things that you don’t have concrete proof on. For example things of the spirit world whose proof is very difficult. Issues like witchcraft. You label the other person a witch or their parent a witch. Have you stopped to think what that does to the next person? What authority do you have to conclusively label someone, their child or parent a witch, a prostitute, a thief or any of those bad labels? Even if you later say you are sorry or you withdraw your statement, does your relationship with that person remain the same afterwards? These are things we should consider before we speak? You have a small fight with your husband and you say “urirombe romunhu” (you are a pauper). Does your relationship with your husband remain the same even if you apologise later? You have a small fight with your wife; you call her “prostitute”. Can you relate normally with the “prostitute” afterwards? Some of the damage we cause with our tongues is permanent.

The way you talk to people makes your character. The way you talk indicates how many friends you have. When people know that you have a habit of hurting with your tongue, all they will do is to avoid you. Sooner or later you have no friends; you have no visitors to your house. Why? It’s all because you have a long tongue — no one wants to be near someone with a long tongue. You hear someone saying “I gave him a piece of my mind”. Half the time what they mean is that they have hurt the other person.

Now you always give people a piece of your mind, sooner or later you will be without a mind because you are always giving people pieces of it. You hear the Ndebele saying ngimutshele zagcwala (again you gave them a piece of your mind). Now when you claim umtshele zagcwala, do you know what you did to the other person? Even if that person was wrong. In anger choose your words carefully. Be careful how you propose to resolve disputes otherwise you destroy good relationships you took so many years to build. The great legendary Four Brothers lead vocalist,  the late Marshal Munhumumwe, summed it up well in one of his songs, kana wazviwona siya zviripo, kana wazviziva zvisiyewo zvakadaro, hazvina mhosva kuti ichokwadi, ukazvitaura uchaparadza zvakawanda” (whatever you have seen/heard just be quiet about it — it’s not your business. Even if it’s the truth, it’s not your business — don’t talk about things you would rather not talk about because if you do, you will destroy relationships).

I have seen people really messing up with their tongues when they are solving conflicts. If you sit in front of a kangaroo court to resolve a dispute between two people, be neutral. Do not take sides and blast the other person and side with the one whom you have an interest in. Remember these two people are going to leave your “court” to be together again.

Now if you have hurt the other person, even if they were wrong, you are destroying two relationships. The relationship between you and the “accused” (the one you told zagcwala) is destroyed, so is the relationship between the two in conflict. In resolving conflicts do not side with your own, look at the problem not the individuals and solve it to get these two people to be together again. Do not say things that will destroy relationships that were otherwise functional.

Your mouth can cause serious problems for you. If you learn to keep your mouth shut and under control when talking, you shall have many friends and forever enjoy peace all the days of your life.