adminGender Forum Ruth Butaumocho
More than a decade ago, I used to hook up with friends and colleagues to talk about relationships, the hurdles that one needed to go through, and of course the bliss associated with perfect unions. A lot of advice often filtered through during these pep talks, some very positive, while some was like concentrated poison in a closed wine goblet.
But during all those discussions – that often took place at the famous Madison Square, at the Harare Polytechnic – one thing that came out clearly was that a woman needed to rein in her husband in order to have a happy union.
Reining in a man meant you had to control his finances, approve of his circle of friends, keep his boss’ phone number, have an idea where he often hangs around with his friends, and of course, make sure that he gets home on time.
“You have to be tactful, to ensure that he remains under your grip,” my friend Clara, who is now domiciled in the UK would often say – with so much emphasis.
For a long time, these pep messages never rang a bell, until recently when one of my supervisors remarked casually during a meeting that all men were afraid of their wives.
When I first heard this, I cringed. I immediately wanted to argue such a bold and blanket statement: I found it to be depressing and sad.
His assertion was prompted by an article in one of the United Kingdom papers, where a 34-year-old hen-pecked man in Texas arranged for his mates to fake his kidnapping, so that he could spend time with his friends and party.
Although the wife was terrified about the whole incident, the police were not fooled.
He later confessed that he had lied about the kidnapping so that he could have some time, rocking with his friends. He also reportedly said he was afraid of his wife.
And yet the more I thought about it, and observed among colleagues, church mates and friends, the more I realised that it was indeed true that most men are, afraid of their wives, for whatever reasons.
I have actually seen several men cringe in fear from a look, just a look, from their spouses.
I don’t know how many times I have often eavesdropped on telephone conversations where a man would be saying “my wife is not going to like this.”
And sometimes it is clear that the thought of her displeasure makes him feel very, very afraid.
Since time immemorial, men have been regarded as symbols of strength, heads of their families, warriors and commanders in war fronts and yet the majority will declare that they can’t face up to their wives.
If anything, despite the well-toned muscles they display while walking up and about and the husky voices that are synonymous with men all around, most men are no doubt emasculated in their homes.
The question that many would want answered is, why are men afraid of their wives, or rather have women become monsters in the homes that men can no longer express themselves freely?
Stories abound of men, who after a spending time away from home with their girlfriends, feign sickness, get themselves admitted in hospital, so that the madam will not suspect anything.
The daring ones will even go a step further to arrange an “arrest”, at a local police station, in a bid to avoid a serious confrontation with their wives.
Unlike years ago, where women were literally terrorised by their husbands, men’s stories are reminiscent of what people read in the traditional literature on wife abuse.
They are now being beaten, hit on the head with an ashtray or threatened with a knife by their partners, should they fail to explain why they came home late.
Most of them tell about episodes of psychological violence, such as a wife calling on the phone constantly to control what her husband would be doing.
Men who were interviewed simply stated that living in the home was a veritable struggle, surviving in an environment that was purely defined by women.
Unlike in professional confines where parameters are drawn by supervisors, code of ethics and other frames, it was not so in the home, where a wife is the one who literally runs and rules the household.
Breaking those rules, ignorantly or in defiance, is often met with stern measures that include visiting the pastor’s house for a counselling session, withdrawal of conjugal rights and worse the convening of the whole village to solve such a minor issue, men say.
And in light of those consequences, men now choose to placate their wives, and even lie because of presumed consequences.
Whether a man is right or wrong he will back off, uncertain even of what it means, confused about what is expected, and more often than not, he will try to make peace because he will be unsure about what he will happen to him, should the madam find out that he spent a night drinking beer or at a girlfriend’s house.
While it is deplorable for men to spend the better part of their time at their girlfriend’s house or endless hours at the pub, instead of spending quality time with their family, it is also uncouth, bad and highly manipulative for women to rein in men, in a brutal and demeaning way.
The shift in the gender dynamics that has been brought about by social and economic adjustments in most homes, means that there is a growing number of men who are afraid of their wives, never mind what the circumstances may be.
However it is important to note that communication is quite critical in any relationship, and should be the basis of a solid and strong union.
Rather than draw battle lines, plot and seek to outwit each other, couples should develop a communication mode that is in the best interest of the family.
I have often said married people should give each other space to develop and nurture personal interests, without encroaching into one’s private space, and surely men would also need to be accorded the same priviledges.
If anything marriages, relationships and unions, should not be war zones, where you regard each other as enemies from different camps, but should be comfort zones of sharing and giving each other love.
Online Reporter