Help me, I don’t feel anything when I am having sex

Hi Sis Noe
EVER since I gave birth my husband rarely sleeps with me. Sometimes he comes to bed late and I think he will be avoiding me. What can I do? — Lonely.

Reply
I believe your husband is suffering from post-natal depression. The truth is depression, anxiety and other mood disorders are common. In fact, they are just as common — and just as real — as physical problems, like heart disease and diabetes. They can also be as crippling. You are having a hard time living with a husband who is depressed. The lack of sex is a very painful part of that. So how do you deal with it, and what can you do to give yourself a sense of acting on it, even though you know that you cannot cure it? If taking action is your instinct, then take action. You need to be there for him, talk to him, cook for him, and treat him as if everything is normal. Do not pressure him to have sex with you, it will happen in due time. Having patience is hard. Waiting for someone to improve is hard. But what choice do you have? The other ways to beat depression is to do things that reduce stress. Exercise, a talk with the marriage counsellor, a holiday getaway for a day without the baby — all these things can help you.

Hi Sis Noe
I have noticed that I have blood in my semen. I am worried. Please help me Sis Noe. — Worried.

Reply
Blood in the semen is known as hematospermia. This condition is common, and in younger men, it’s not usually a sign of a serious problem. Hematospermia has many potential causes, the most common of which is inflammation of the seminal vesicles (the small glands that produce most of the fluid in semen). Other possible explanations may include inflammation or lesions in other parts of the reproductive system such as the prostate, urethra and testicles. Hematospermia will usually disappear without medication, but it’s a good idea to get checked. It’s important to get examined if you keep noticing blood for more than 10 ejaculations or two months, or if you are over 40 years of age. These factors might indicate a more serious cause like a systemic infection or, for older men, cancer.

Hi Sis Noe
What is secondary virginity? What does that mean? — Curious.

Reply
Secondary virginity is a decision to abstain from sexual activity, starting with today and continuing until the day you get married. It’s an opportunity to start over. Your physical virginity may be lost, but virginity is more than just a physical state. It’s an attitude, a frame of mind. It’s manifested in the way you look at yourself and others. Secondary virginity is a time to change bad habits and heal past wounds. It allows you to clean and renew yourself prior to marriage. Secondary virginity is a return to abstinence following a life of sex. A commitment to secondary virginity is often made with the goal of remaining abstinent until committing to a life-long monogamous relationship, such as marriage. Increasing numbers of teens and young adults are making this decision to reduce their considerable risk for sexually transmitted infections and non-marital pregnancies.

Hi Sis Noe
I have a problem with my periods. I sometimes skip a month. Is that okay? — Worried.

Reply
Missing a menstrual period is a lot more common than most people realise. This is often called amenorrhea, which is the technical word for absence of menstrual periods. In women who are not pregnant, amenorrhea is usually due to a hormonal imbalance. While these hormonal imbalances are not usually serious, there are some long-term health risks that can be avoided with treatment. Understand that missing a period is neither a disease nor a sure sign that you’re pregnant. Sometimes missing a period is perfectly normal and doesn’t mean anything is wrong. Usually if the period is late and the woman is not pregnant, the cause is hormonal. This means that she is not ovulating regularly for some reason. Missed periods are often caused as a result of undergoing a lot of stress. Stress can upset the normal hormonal balance in your body, causing your period to come late, or skip for one month. Some other characteristic causes of missed periods include undergoing any major changes in your life, such as moving, starting a new job, or changed eating or exercise habits. Loss of significant amount of weight can also cause you to miss a menstrual period. If you find that this condition persists over a few months, you should make an appointment with a doctor. If you miss more than three cycles or have any symptoms that are worrying you, you should see your doctor to check for the cause of the problem. Usually it does not turn out to be serious and may resolve on its own. But it is advisable to invest in your health before it gets out of control. The associated hormonal imbalances caused by missed periods may take a toll on your health in the long run. Avoid that by getting in control of your cycles.

Hi Sis Noe
Is it normal to bleed for two weeks when menstruating? — Worried.

Reply
Your period should be for seven days or so; you should not be having a period lasting longer than two weeks. Your period should last just long enough to shed the lining of your uterus. So since it is lasting longer you should really go to a doctor. The cause maybe birth control pills that is if you are using them, as they tend to cause cramping and irregular periods. So it might be something simple that can be fixed with a birth control, but you won’t know until you go to a doctor. It could be adenomyosis, endometriosis, fibroids, or cyst. You could get a pelvic exam, ultrasound, and laparoscopy if you must. There are so many things it could be, if birth control is not the root reason it’s probably something that needs to be investigated. See a gynaecologist for a pelvic examination. But the most likely suspect is menorrhagia a condition that results in heavy bleeding.

Hi Sis Noe
I am a married woman. My problem is that I don’t feel anything when I am having sex. — Starving.

Reply
Sex should provoke an earthquake of feelings and sensations, both emotional and physical. If that is not what is happening for you, perhaps there is something brewing inside and blocking your sensations. A majority of women report that intercourse alone just doesn’t do it for them, and though it may seem exhausting to search and search and still come up empty handed, finding the fuse to light those fireworks takes some patience. Various factors such as age as well as you and your partner’s sexual experience play an important role. The vaginal canal has very few nerve endings so it’s not uncommon to feel little or no stimulation from penetration, though it may promote a satisfying feeling of fullness or closeness with your partner. The clitoris is the magic button, but with many sexual positions, it’s often left out of the equation. Furthermore, it often takes women longer than men to become aroused, which highlights the importance of foreplay to get you in the mood. Remember when having sex you have to be wet down there and do whatever gives you the most pleasure. Understand that it may take time to learn exactly what that is.