Loving your mother-in-law

Aunty Charity,
“I HAVE been reading a lot of your articles. I have been married for years and I love my husband. When we got married, the first month we started to have problems. He put his family as a priority over me especially his mother — he lets her control our home and even has a final say on matters that concern us. He stated that he needed to take care of her, but I did not sign up for having my home run by her mother. She likes making me feel uncomfortable whenever she visits and always makes sure that I know my husband is her only son. That just makes me feel like a secondary person, but this is the first problem.”

I have often heard people say “sengisuthi njengesihlobo somfazi/ndaguta sehama yemukadzi” so I have figured in most cases the woman’s relatives are given royal treatment when they visit their daughter’s home. I can safely conclude that most people subscribe to this thought and when their husband’s relatives visit they are immediately asked of their departure date.

I think the mother-in-law-daughter fight has been in existence for decades and I do not have much new information on how to put an end to it as I am not sure if it will ever end. In most cases as wives, people tend to feel that their mothers-in-law are competing for love and attention, but I think one has to also consider that this woman they are locking horns with is the same woman who birthed their husband, fed and took care of him, making sure he was provided for. I really think it is not necessary to fight for attention or create unnecessary fights over something so simple. The triangle of son, mother and daughter-in-law can often initiate a delicate dance for everyone involved and it usually is a battle that can be easily avoided.

However, I think this competition can easily be won through love and respect, all you need to do as a wife is love and respect your mother-in-law like you do your own mother. This may be easy for you because you love/loved your own mother, though some people might feel it may be an extreme challenge. It is worth the try. Be a blessing to your mother-in-law and thank her for raising the man you love, compliment her for what she does well, pray for her, take her out for shopping, and show interest in her life, take good care of her. Do all this and she will have no reason to go to your husband for things and that way you will not feel as though she is competing for attention or creating an uncomfortable situation for you.

If you are a wife who feels criticised each time your mother-in-law visits, it is important that you do not worsen the situation.

Returning similar assaults on your mother-in-law by finding subtle ways to SOS your friends and tell the world that she is at your house and you cannot wait for her to leave, criticise her cooking, lifestyle choices and marriage as this only encourages tug-of-war. In this situation, the right thing to do is to drop your end of the rope, accommodate her and shower her with lots of love and appreciation.

If your mother-in-law is critical of you, it is often because she feels insecure and she has needs that only your husband can provide. Support your husband’s relationship with his mum. In any marriage I also think it is important that a husband and wife need to set appropriate boundaries with their families, particularly during the first few years of marriage. As you define those boundaries with your husband’s family, be careful not to send them a message to simply “back off.” Instead, go out of your way to build a healthy mother-son relationship.

Your mother-in-law is a crucial part of your spouse’s life and this makes them a crucial part of your life as well. No one ever said it was easy to balance your needs with the needs of others especially the needs of an entire new mother, but creating family harmony is possible and it is very much worth the effort. You must realise it will not be easy to build bridges and rebuild some that have been burnt but you also realise that it is a valuable way to spend your time. The return you get on your investment will last the rest of your married life.

Try solving your problems among yourselves as much as possible. Avoid sharing the secrets of your household with friends or close relatives. Do not allow room for your relatives and friends to interfere between the relationship of you and your mother-in-law and do not draw from past experiences rather do it your way and make an effort to make it work and have a frank talk with her she is a woman after all and will understand your concerns.

Ultimately, and most importantly building a healthy relationship with your mother-in-law is an expression of your love for your husband and your commitment to living out the love that binds your family. Be a blessing to your mother-in-law and be a little more loving and understanding with your mother in-law because you never know … you just might make a friend, a sister or a mother in the process. Till next week let’s keep talking — email [email protected].