Herbalists take ghetto by storm

the alley that one shuddered to think whether they meant it when they threatened to kick her emaciated frame.
It’s true the woman resembled an unweeded garden. Her torn and dingy apparel passed her off for a maniac. Poverty was clearly spelt out on her face.
Business almost ground to a halt at Mereki as revellers sought to understand who the attention-grabber was.
Women and ladies of loose morals at the joint were left unattended as their lovers were caught in the bandwagon.
It was surprising to see people supposedly sitting in the lap of luxury flocking to an unknown sauce.
A case parallel to the Biblical tale of a King asking poor Lazarus to dip a finger in the water to cool his tongue.
“Nhasi ndine pisa-pisa. Zesa moto muzhinji. Haujairirwe nemutorwa ukarova wanhasi. Musha unomira rudo rwowedzera mukati uyu mukanwa bo,” declared the old lady, while covering her missing teeth with her wrinkled hands.
Some men were brandishing crispy US$100 bills and US$50 notes while others tried in vain to seize the old lady by the hand and drag her with the same limb closer to them.
“Gogo, gogo ndini ndatanga. Please serve me first,” one of the men shouted while sweating profusely, as another went: “Musadaro kani nhai ambuya. Ndini muzukuru wenyu Mhofu. Tangai mandipa kani nhai.”
“Eh . . . eh tangai neni wezera renyu ambuya. Ndini wechidhaka,” an elderly man shouted, drawing laughter from the crowd.
There are times when men become a bunch of big boys behaving badly, I tell you.
Those that managed to hand cash over to the old woman, got small satchets whose contents they emptied into their palms and licked with determination.
Others put the contents into their beer, shook the bottle with zest before gulping the concoction.
Such are the goings on in the world of men gentle reader. Mascuilinity and virility enhancing herbs have become the in-thing.
“Varume vange vajaira. Cases of love and sexuality require commitment from both sides. It’s good men are taking part,” said Mrs Esnath Madoko of Mbare.
She said there was no statement so demeaning to a man than telling him that he is useless in bed.
“Ukadaro unenge wamubvisa ganda kumeso. Men are proud people who need respect and the muti we sell helps preserve that respect,” she quipped.
Hapana anoda kuve chiseko chenyika,
Kana kuita muenzaniso wechakaipa,
Hama todiniko, tigoguta tese,
Zvatinoda muupenyu, sang Leonard Zhakata in the song Hupenyu Mutoro.
And not to be left behind, men are doing all in their power to make their women happy to avoid losing homes they fought hard to build through things that can easily be avoided.
If you thought the sweeping wave of Pentecostalism was high, you may be shocked that the demand for sex charms towers even much higher.
What this can be ascribed to really, this writer cannot tell. But men have generally become too conscious of the need to perform in bed, spawning a boom in the business of those who sell love charms.
Kushata ndakashata zvangu kumeso, asi palove maoresa, you hear men praising themselves.
Competition has also intensified in the world of those who sell aphrodisiacs.
Some respectable women have thrown morals out the window. They are selling sex charms to young boys at work and even in church.
Hapana achanyara veduwe-e.
It’s now not unusual to find someone being humiliated for failing to pay for the charms they bought on credit.
“Dr Chambo herbalist. Lost lover, financial problem, court cases, pass exams, delivering stuff, quick marriage, pregnancy problem and many more,” screamed an advert in a local daily.
Beside, another advert stated: “Dr Juma Herbalist. Lost lover, promotion. Some problem you will pay after success.”
In the same paper, yet another herbalist wrote: “Have you visited hundreds and hundreds of doctors and never get help?
Now is the time to get help. Diabetes, impotence, weak erection, enlargements, bewitched people and many more as life is concerned. We remove bad luck; guard your properties, promotion, and bewitched, bad thing in the body.”
And such herbalists are not alone.
Others have unleashed armies of trained and untrained salespeople who are selling aloe products.
Whether these things work gentle reader, is the subject for another day’s installment.
People have just become addicted to muti.
As I commit pen to paper gentle reader, men can now hardly spend an hour together without talking about aphrodisiacs. Some of these come in the form of coffee.
Most of men eat mazondo laced with muti or drink opaque beer mixed with herbs.
And the next time you hear men saying they need time alone, it could be worthwhile letting them have their way.
So high has demand for love-enhancing charms become that almost everywhere there are people selling herbs. In some ghettos, people can be seen drying and pounding the herbs in gourds in preparation for sale at public places.
And the people who are commissioned to sell these products often leave your ribcage cracking.
They use language which almost equates you to an idiot if you do not use the products.
“Don’t let other men stray into your bedroom. Take our medicine which makes her see you as the only male in the world,” shouted an old lady in a bar in Mbare recently.
She even had samples for those who wanted to taste the muti. Old ladies and their male equivalents are now abusing their age to claim experience to push the sex products. They will tell you that they used the muti since they were young and had not had any side effects though people who gulp their concoctions often complain of stomach pains and prolonged erection problems.
Most old ladies who sell the herbs have become popular with revellers and even sell these charms on credit.
A good number of them have enlisted the services of henchmen to deal with tardy debtors and those who refuse to pay outrightly.
Gentle reader, it remains to be seen whether these products people are flocking to, are not without side effects.
Inotambika mughetto.