How church leaders can help domestic violence victims

Matters of Faith

While domestic violence can involve women abusing men, or same-sex abuse, in most cases, men abuse women.

It is a fact of biology that women are typically physically weaker than men. In our sinful world, the strong and powerful frequently oppress those who are weaker.

This is exactly the opposite of how God instructs his people to live.

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, to nourish and cherish them as their own bodies (Eph. 5:25–30). Peter tells husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7). God holds fathers responsible for protecting and providing for their families (1 Tim. 5:8).

Sadly, some men rebel against God’s design for marriage. We should not be surprised when domestic violence — like other evil — shows up in the church.

Domestic violence is hidden

By its nature, domestic violence happens in the privacy of the home.

Both the abuser and victim tend to hide the truth, due to a combination of denial, fear, and shame. Mothers in particular may excuse their abuser in a misguided attempt to protect their children.

Sadly, some men rebel against God’s design for marriage. We should not be surprised when domestic violence—like other evil—shows up in the church.

So how can church leaders know when abuse is taking place?

Know your people

A healthy church weaves thick webs of relationships. Believers are expected to know one another well enough to admonish and encourage as needed (1 Thess. 5:14).

Paul tells older men to model and instruct younger men in self-control, while older women train younger women in godliness (Titus 2:2–6).

When Christians develop robust relationships and share life with each other, as the Bible tells us to do, sin is harder to hide. This includes the sin of abuse.

If your interactions with a dating or married couple in the church lead you to believe something is wrong, take initiative to dig deeper. As a matter of prudence, men should generally ask questions of men; women should ask questions of women.

For example, you could say, “I noticed that things seem tense. Would you like to have coffee sometime?”

Note that these questions are more likely to bear fruit in the context of an ongoing relationship. Depending on the answers, you may need to bring in other believers (Matt. 18:15–20).

Know the signs of abuse

Violent behaviour in the home may include physical battering, destruction of property, continual verbal cruelty, threats of harm to children, isolating the victim from friends and family, depriving the victim of physical and financial resources, and forced (or demanded) sexual contact of any kind.

Violent behaviour often follows a cycle where the abuser, perhaps afraid of consequences, apologises and promises to do better.

These periods of good behaviour can sap the victim’s determination to get help. It is helpful for church leaders to know and recognise these common patterns.

Know your community resources

Your area has one or more organisations designed to help victims of family violence.

Church partnership with such organisations can bear much fruit, as volunteers gain hands-on experience in domestic-violence relief. Working in the community also signals to victims that your church is a safe place to come forward.

Valuable tools to fight domestic violence

Thankfully, God has given believers everything we need to live a Godly life, including the power to fight abuse (2 Pet. 1:3). Church leaders and members must continue in faithfulness, trusting that the practice of ordinary spiritual disciplines (including the ministry of Word, prayer, and acts of mercy) have extraordinary power for families caught in violence.

Preach the gospel

The church must clearly preach repentance for sin, forgiveness in Christ, and the power of the Holy Spirit for Godly growth. Church leaders must condemn sins such as sexual immorality, jealousy, and fits of anger, boldly warning that “those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:19–21).

These exhortations are tools that the Spirit can use to convict abusers of their need to repent, turn to Christ, and get help.

When victims understand that God takes the sin of abuse seriously, they gain courage to come forward. Ultimately, only the power of the gospel will bring lasting change to sinful patterns of behaviour.

Meet the needs of victims

Christ-followers are called to meet physical needs (James 2:15–16).

Victims of domestic violence often need food and shelter, childcare, guidance through the legal and criminal justice systems, counsel, and emotional support.

Seek to uphold truth

If a woman or children are in danger of physical harm, the church should support (and help to facilitate, if necessary) immediate separation from the abuser. As long as there is risk of continued harm, churches should continue to do everything possible to keep victims safe—including involving civil and legal authorities wherever appropriate. – TGC