How to be a smart smankani

Christopher Mlalazi
OH yes, being a smankani is one of the oldest professions in the township if you didn’t know this. And today we will share some of the skills needed for a degree pass in it, or how to get a Doctorate. We know there are many students of this profession on the streets, and these tips will come more than handy.Please don’t forget to thank me afterwards.

And not being a linguist, but just a simple street writer, I would like to believe that smankani is one of many slang words that have been coined in the dusty streets of the townships to fit into a situation, and also wonder what the equivalent of smankani was called traditionally? Maybe you might have ideas, as I know we have many experts in languages among you the readers.

In short, a smankani in English is that jolly good fellow who goes into the bar without a single cent almost everyday and comes out roaring drunk.

As we have described the smankani, but for there to be one there has to be a target, or playground where this trade is practised.

This playground is none other than a person with loads of, yes, bucks, and a good heart that opens up to people easily, otherwise without it, the smankani profession ceases to exist as this is not associated with stingy people.

First and foremost, the aspiring smankani should know that the golden rule of this noble profession is to be super charming, and be able to flash a smile at the drop of a coin no matter how stressed up you are feeling inside.

This smile should have extraordinary qualities not often found in common ones. It should be oozing with warmth and promise friendship, security, and last but not least, trust to the victim, that whatever the victim or the playground talks about will not reach other ears.

Of course it is not a big secret that most smankani’s are big mouths and are always the first people to discuss the tribulations and exploits of the victim at the slightest chance, whom we will call inginga. Kikikikiki.

I think the word inginga needs no further explanation, but also in short, this is a person with loads of spending money. And of course a normal person can never spend money alone, as there is no fun in it — you want to buy for other people, and the many they are the better. And this is the proverbial geological fault in human nature that the professional zimankanis quickly exploit.

The next golden rule for the aspiring smankani, is to be able on weekends to take a bath before the sun rises, so that when everybody wakes up, you are already smartly dressed, just in case an early rising nginga should decide to come and pick you up for ibhabhalazi and amawoso, which sometimes can translate to a whole day without your children seeing you.

Another one is not to be shy about the profession. Don’t worry about what other people are going to say about you following other people to the bottle store or bar for free drinks, because once you become shy and decide to behave, your competition who is forcing you to be shy has won. Without batting an eyelid, they will quickly move in and shamelessly take up your place, and the next moment they will be passing you bedle iwindi in the nginga’s car.

This is aptly described as taking the shyness and flushing it down the toilet bowl, as among the zimankani ranks this term does not exist.

A smankani must be also be a good mathematician, for soon you find yourself becoming the nginga’s weekend accountant, calculating everything, prices, change, distances, and even calculating other people that can fit into the nginga’s beverages tab.

Again having good maths is a positive, as usually the smankani will try to remain with change at the end of the day without the nginga noticing, for, after all, it’s not good to come home full of amawoso when the family is starving.

You have to be good at memorising cellphone numbers too, as the nginga does not store his entertainment numbers on his cellphone memory, but stores them in the memory inside your head in case he gets into trouble at home.

Ah, there are many tips to share, but space now does not allow . . .