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Laina Makuzha Love by Design
Gaslighting Part 2
British Rn B artiste who had a string of R&B international hits around the 1980s, Leslie Sebastian Charles, popularly known as Billy Ocean, had these lyrics in his song “Colour of Love” which is still regarded as a great old school jam to this day:
If I had to paint a picture,
To show the world how true love can really be,I would use the brightest colours,
To create a vision of harmony
What is the colour of love, what do you see, is it warm,is it tender when you think of me…?”
I do concur, love is beautiful and can be healing and uplifting, in fact I run out of words to describe the beauty that love paints universally. But when things are not well in a relationship, or in a marriage,when there’s no peace, it can have harmful effects on one’s health. As indicated in the last edition, this week we continue discussing gaslighting which robs may couples of their peace and joy. We looked at what gaslighting is and how to spot a gaslighter last week.
This week we focus on knowing its impact and how to respond when a partner has gaslighting tendencies.
Experts say understanding what drives gaslighting can help in dealing with it. In this column we have discussed how sometimes hurt people tend to hurt others and it becomes a whole cycle.
So when you hear the words “emotional abuse,” relating to gaslighting, it can be so easy to think of people who gaslight as bad or evil and write off the possibility that you can work things out with them. But more often than not, a partner who gaslights is a wounded individual.
Speaking about people who gaslight, Dori Gatter, PsyD, a relationship expert and psychotherapist in Connecticut, told health.com : “…often, people who gaslight are wounded people. They don’t have a strong sense of self and have to feel ‘right’ all the time, or else they feel threatened,” That makes someone who gaslights uniquely challenging to deal with but not impossible.
How to respond to gaslighting
It turns out that arguing with someone who is gaslighting you is a sure way to lose because defensive response is their fuel, and they will likely try to confuse you by saying that you’re being hysterical, acting crazy, or other inflaming, frustrating statements. The more you try to defend yourself, the more they gaslight you.4 which unfortunately in many cases may result in the gaslightee to start doubting themselves, especially if this happens repeatedly over tijme
“As soon as you are off balance and dysregulated, you look like the problem,” noted Gatter. “Your goal — and it’s not a manoeuvre, and it’s not a manipulation — is to keep yourself calm.”
Instead of digging in your heels, tell the person that while you hear them, what they’re saying is not your experience, said Gatter.
Trying to defend yourself against a gaslighter only makes their strategies more effective. If you express hurt or frustration, gaslighters pivot to phrases like “it’s all in your head” or “you’re just too sensitive,” Anthony P. DeMaria, PhD, a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist in New York City, told Health.
One tip he gives is, “… try opening up a conversation with a non-threatening phrase like, “We seem to see things differently — can we talk it out?”
Second-guessing yourself discouraged
Gaslighting works in part by wearing you down. So be aware of when you begin to doubt what your gut tells you is true and real, recommended DeMaria.
“It can be helpful to ask yourself the question, what do I really believe is going on?” as opposed to “what am I being pressured to believe?” said DeMaria. This reflection allows you to approach interactions with confidence. You may also find it helpful to jot down notes or keep a journal.
When gaslighting occurs in the context of a romantic relationship, people outside of your relationship can give you a third-party perspective, said DeMaria. That’s important in all relationships, particularly with people who use gaslighting and who seek to make their victims feel isolated or insignificant.5
If you’re second-guessing what you know deep down is reality, check in with a friend who can back you up.
Seek help
If gaslighting continues after you have done all you can to address it with your partner. it may be time top seek external help, which may not necessarily be an easy thing to do. Individual counseling can help you determine your next steps, from working to repair the relationship to leaving it. Therapy can also be a confidence builder.
Gatter recommended skipping explanations and exhaustive conversations. “You’re wasting your energy if you’re looking for them to take responsibility or acknowledge or validate anything that you’re saying,” said Gatter. Instead, simply, clearly, and definitively state what you have decided about the relatiuonship.
Health.com “Gaslighters will erode your self-esteem; therapy can be very helpful in rebuilding it and also learning the warning signs of gaslighters in the future.”
When it occurs in a romantic relationship, couples therapy can work, too. But both parties must be open to it and prepared to dig into the issues and change.
Couples therapy can be particularly challenging for individuals who gaslight since they tend to think of themselves as fine and label everyone else as the problem. “If you have someone who is open to going to therapy — even if they might not see what’s going on — and willing to get some help, you’re with someone with whom you can work on this relationship,” said Gatter.
Lets keep the conversation going on other social media platforms. Thanks so much to those who have reached out with comments and topic suggestions.
Whatever your relationship or marriage situation, whether single,married or searching be encouraged to keep expecting good.
I find Proverbs 3v5-6 uplifting in that regard.
Till next week;
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