Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
THIS week, as the world marks the International Day for Tolerance (November 16, UN calendar), we are reminded that tolerance is not just a global virtue but a deeply personal one.
In our marriages and relationships, tolerance means more than “putting up with” each other.
It means cultivating the patience, empathy, and attentiveness to truly hear and see our partners before silence turns into separation.
Recently, I listened to an episode of The Oprah Podcast on what is now called “gray divorce”— the rising trend of couples over 50 parting ways after decades together.
One woman, Mary Jane, shared how after 26 years of marriage, her husband walked into their home one day and, without warning, announced he wanted a divorce.
She described it as the ground shifting beneath her feet, a rug pulled from under a life she thought was steady. Many of the women on that episode echoed the same shock: How could I have been blindsided?
This painful reality shows us that couples are not always on the same wavelength. Somewhere along the journey, communication faltered. Grievances may have been bottled up, signals were missed, and silence became the loudest voice in the room. Mind games do not build the best marriages. I’ve heard this phrase used, often by men, in relationships:”I’m not a mind reader”.
In some cases, the ‘notorious’ ‘silent treatment’ for instance, done frequently, or over long periods, can gradually drive an unnecessary wedge between two people who otherwise love each other. Wotozoona pasisina reverse manje paya, or it can breed unintended resentment.
Signs a marriage may be drifting apart:
Please note these are not cast in stone, but simply some patterns couples can watch out for and address early. Every relationship is unique, and seeking guidance from trusted friends, mentors, or professional experts is always recommended when couples need to remap their journey together.
Conversations feel transactional — You only talk about bills, chores, or logistics, but not about dreams, feelings, or what’s really on your heart.
Emotional distance creeps in — One or both partners stop sharing vulnerabilities, victories, or struggles, leaving the other feeling shut out.
Affection and intimacy fade — Physical closeness, tenderness, or sexual connection becomes rare, and emotional intimacy feels strained or absent.
Lack or absence of intimacy is one of the clearest and most painful signs of a relationship drifting apart, and it deserves to be named directly. Intimacy is not just about physical closeness; it is also about emotional warmth, shared laughter, and the small gestures that say “I still choose you.”
Intimacy is often misunderstood as just physical closeness, but in truth it’s a three‑strand cord: emotional, physical, and spiritual connection. When one strand weakens, the others often follow. The good news is that intimacy can be rebuilt — sometimes even stronger than before — when couples are intentional.
Avoidance replaces engagement — Instead of tackling disagreements, one or both partners withdraw, preferring silence over resolution.
Different worlds emerge — You prefer to spend more time apart, building separate routines, hobbies, or social circles, with little overlap.
Resentment lingers – Small grievances are left unspoken, but they pile up until the atmosphere feels heavy with unaddressed tension.
The key, I reckon, is not to panic if you notice one or two of these signs, but to treat them as gentle nudges to reconnect. Intimacy, like trust, can be rebuilt when both partners are willing to lean in with honesty and care.
Reading the room in marriage:
So how can couples avoid drifting apart? How do we ‘catch the drift’ before it becomes a tidal wave? Here are some guiding principles:
Communication is not just talking — it is checking in. Dr John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, says that ‘small things often’ are what make marriages last. Good communication is not a once-a-year sit-down; it is the daily habit of asking,
“How are you really doing?” and listening without rushing to fix or defend.
I like to refer to the legend, Oliver Mtukudzi’s song whose message speaks of: “kukurukura,hunge tichinzwanana,iwe wotaura ini ndichiteerera,ndotaurawo iwe uchiteerera…”
Notice the emotional climate — Psychologist Dr Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasises that couples thrive when they feel emotionally safe. If your partner seems distant, irritable, or withdrawn, do not ignore, or dismiss it as “just stress.” Ask, gently, what is beneath the surface.
Do not sweep things under the carpet. Silence may feel like peace in the moment, but unresolved hurts fester. Families are often torn apart not by one explosive fight, but by years of unspoken disappointments.
What good communication might look like:
It is ‘consistent’: not waiting until a crisis to talk.
It is ‘curious’: asking questions to understand, not interrogate.
It is ‘courageous’: raising uncomfortable truths before they harden into resentment.
It is ‘compassionate’: listening with the intent to connect, not to win.
We could go on, no doubt you can think of a few to add.
A call to couples
As we reflect on the International Day for Tolerance, let us extend that same spirit into our homes. Tolerance in marriage is not passive endurance—it is active engagement. It is saying, “I see you, I hear you, and I want to understand you, even when it’s hard.”
Please, husbands and wives, talk to each other. Do not let unhappiness sit in the shadows until it explodes. Do not let your partner be blindsided after 20 or 30 years of shared life. The cost is too high — not just for you, but for your children, your families, and the legacy of love you have built.
I would love to hear from you: Have you ever felt blindsided in your relationship, or caught yourself missing the signs or been the one that drifted away?
What helped you reconnect—or what do you wish you had done differently? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below or the feedback details . Your story might be the light someone else needs.
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Email: lainanaledimakuzha@ gmail.com
