Ashly Dhani
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Mudzimba
Dear amai, I am a 25-year-old woman and I am married to a 26-year-old man. He used to go to his own church where he was a healer. When we got married, I told him we must look for a new one because I was not a fan of kupinda church musango.
For a while we were going to a neutral church and we were happy. My tete had even commended us for meeting halfway. The important thing was that it was a Christian church. Recently, he started going back to his old church and even took our child for baptism there. I am not amused, especially with the way they are not adhering to Covid-19 protocols. They also do not believe in seeking treatment in hospitals. How can we get over this?
Response
Hello dear writer. I went over your letter and it seems to me like a case of a leopard never changing its spots. The fact that he had such a big role at his church should have alerted you to the fact that he may want to go back. You cannot make up his mind for him. Every individual is free to do as they please and believe in whatsoever. However, the two of you are married. The family needs to come first.
You cannot be a house divided. Prevent him from engaging in risky gatherings with no social distancing. Covid-19 is real. Get tete involved again. If she could straighten things out once, I am sure she can straighten things out again.
Talk through it and try to get things back to the way they were before. If left unchecked, these differences could lead to bigger cracks in your marriage.
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I am on the brink
I am a young married woman. However, I am not in a happy marriage because my husband is selfish. He goes out drinking and comes back when he feels like it. He also keeps bad company.
His best friend is unemployed and lives to drink and smoke. I feel it is risky behaviour. I am gainfully employed and I am thinking of starting a small business as soon as I make enough capital. Would it be wrong if I left this man? I honestly believe he is incapable of changing and I do not want things that will hold me back in life.
Response
I want to start by saying how sorry I am that you have found yourself in such a situation. It is important for your spouse to keep good company that can inspire him to be better.
This going out and coming back when he pleases is reckless. It shows no respect or accountability on his part. How long has this been going on? It is risky and irresponsible, as you rightly say. I cannot tell you to throw in the towel.
That is a conclusion you have to come up with on your own. Normally couples try to exhaust other avenues that can bring about reformatory behaviour such as professional marriage counselling, open dialogue involving key family members like ana tete and even attending church together and consulting the pastor. Take it systematically and follow what your heart tells you. Congratulations on being gainfully employed. I hope your business idea takes off and you put that income to good use. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. Your happiness and that of your family is key.
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I have hit a stumbling block
Amai, I hope l find you well. I am a young guy and I am madly in love with a 22-year-old girl. I turn 26 in June. We have been talking marriage and l wanted to pay lobola on my birthday. A few days ago l suffered a huge blow when l introduced my girl to my best friend.
I could see that she was very uncomfortable, but l could not figure why. My friend told me that he knew this girl very well because she was once in love with his workmate. They stayed together for six months, cohabiting (kubika mapoto).
They only broke up when he discovered that she continued dating other guys despite the fact that they were staying as unofficial man and wife.
Amai, this has broken my spirit. I need my space. I do not know what to do about this. My friend has offered to introduce me to the guy in question so that l get first-hand information from the horse’s mouth. This is a big red flag if it is true. Please assist.
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. For starters, I would like to say I am very sorry. However, everything happens for a reason. Would you have found out otherwise if you had not introduced them to each other? In Shona we say hatirovi imbwa takaviga mupinyi. Confront her and ask about these allegations. Tell her how they have compromised her character in your eyes.
Do not meet her ex. Let her answer for herself. Kubika mapoto is not advised and I am concerned that at only 22 she is being caught up in such arrangements. People are capable of change and if she has changed, would you still want to take her as your wife? Would you be open to solidifying your relationship by going for pre-marital counselling? Consider yourself lucky that these skeletons have presented themselves now rather than later. Think it through and consult older people you trust on the matter such as your parents. I wish you all the best.
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