Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
DEAR Amai, I am a regular reader of your column in The Sunday Mail and have learnt so much from your advice.
I am a 36-year-old wife and mother to a three-year-old son. I have been married for five years.
My husband, aged 37, is very strict regarding the practices of our religious sect, which prohibits the consumption of pork and alcohol. We mutually agreed to keep these items out of our home.
However, last weekend, I was shocked when a friend of his, who had been at a braai with him, dropped off a bag of leftovers containing pork and two bottles of beer at our home. I, however, told him those items did not belong in our house.
While my husband appeared ashamed, his friend spoke back to me boldly, claiming that my husband was merely pretending not to enjoy these things.
I am heartbroken. Why did he lie to me?
I am now left wondering what else I do not know about him. There is currently a lot of tension in our home.
How do we begin to move forward?
Response
Hello, and thank you for supporting the column. I am just as shocked as you are.
Did you know his friends ate pork and drank beer? I do not understand why no one advised him against such indulgences or encouraged him to follow the rules of his church.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment; there should never be skeletons in the closet.
There could be more to this than meets the eye — this may just be the tip of the iceberg.
He lived a lie until a friend unknowingly exposed him. I suggest you both seek professional counselling; perhaps that will encourage him to open up. Honesty and communication are the key tenets of a happy marriage. I wish you all the best.
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I hate living beyond our means
I am a 40-year-old woman who is married to a man of the same age. We are blessed with two children and currently rent a beautiful three-bedroom house.
While we are both gainfully employed and run a side business, my husband is constantly in unnecessary competition with his friends, colleagues and family members.
He makes purchases based solely on labels — from alcoholic beverages to clothes and food.
As a result, we are unable to save for rainy days.
We are very comfortable in our current home, yet he insists we move to a more expensive, larger house in an affluent area simply because a friend of his bought a home there. He does not seem to grasp the difference between renting and owning property. Whenever I try to offer advice, he ignores me. How can I get through to him?
Response
Greetings, dear writer. Competition is healthy, but it must be conducted within one’s own capabilities and resources.
It is clear that your husband is struggling with his priorities. He desperately needs a change in perspective before it is too late. He needs to start thinking as a family man with his eyes on the distant future rather than on current trends.
A marriage thrives when partners listen to and advise one another with mutual respect. I strongly suggest you seek professional counselling together to address these issues, specifically focusing on financial management and communication before the strain becomes irreparable.
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I am a lady magnet
I am a 24-year-old man and I am currently unemployed. My parents are well-off and I live very comfortably. I drive a car they gifted me on my last birthday. Because I did not perform well academically, I am struggling to find employment. I find myself in a difficult position: many women are aggressively pursuing me for a relationship, even though I am not interested. I am a generous person, but when I buy them gifts, they misinterpret my kindness as romantic interest. How can I effectively set boundaries and keep these unwanted advances at bay?
Response
Describing yourself as a “lady magnet” sounds rather pompous. It is evident that your privileged upbringing has left you somewhat sheltered. You are a grown man; it is time to take charge of your own life.
If you are struggling to find a conventional job, use the resources at your disposal to begin an income-generating project. It is essential to become self-sufficient; in life, the tables can turn very quickly, and you do not want to be found unprepared.
As for the women you complain about, you know exactly what they are after — simply stop feeding into it. If you want to avoid these situations, stop being so accessible. And when it comes to dating, prioritise character above all else.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
