Andrew
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am 19 and my husband is 20. We dated for a very short period before I got pregnant.
Our parents pushed us into marriage so that people from church would not question my pregnancy. The truth is both of us were not ready. My father-in-law is the one who paid part of the lobola. We are staying with his family and have many marital problems. I have never been so unhappy in my life.
We were blessed with a son three months ago. My hubby is scared of our newborn. He has never touched him.
He just watches from a distance. His mother tried to force him to hold the baby, but he was so upset that he ran away. They are now saying he needs the services of a n’anga because there could be something bigger behind his fear. I am now worried, even to just leave the child around him. What could be the matter? Is there a scientific or traditional answer to this? Please, help.
Response
I am very well, and thanks for writing in. They say mandikurumidze akazvara mandinonoke. Simply put, you rushed into adulthood and now it is time to make adult decisions and assume responsibility. Being forced into a loveless marriage was not a smart idea.
It is clear both of you are struggling to co-exist in the same space. Inform your parents so you can begin the process of separation to end this sham. Also, rope in supportive relatives, as well as church representatives, so they know that all of this was for show and mostly for them.
I will also try to link you with organisations that assist young adults such as yourself in these difficult situations. They prioritise the child’s welfare, as well as that of the parents. As for your hubby, I think he is in shock and not accepting what his actions led to. He needs counselling. Focus on your child and getting back your life. Everyone deserves a second chance despite their actions and, at times, unforeseen consequences of their youth.
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Hubby making much
ado about nothing
I am a married woman and a mother of two teenage children. I stay in the same location as my mother-in-law. She is in her early 60s and she manages her life well. Her children are all grown up and married. Her husband died and she stays with a helper. My mother-in-law was feeling unwell last weekend, so we sent our daughter to watch over her for that period. Gogo then sent a message after our daughter came back, saying she would like to stay with her permanently and she is seeking our permission.
I told my husband there was no need for that because she still needs help with her homework and many other things. I suggested that she visits her more during weekends and holidays, but my hubby does not get it. He says he will personally go to Gogo’s house daily and help her. Amai, is this not much ado about nothing? For the past week, he has been in a very foul mood. How do we solve this?
Response
They say no good deed goes unpunished and this is a typical example. Your daughter may have helped Gogo, but she still has a life of her own and obligations to fulfil in her adolescent life, school being the key priority. She may visit more but she needs to strike a perfect balance.
I think you, Gogo and your husband need to sit down and try to map a positive way forward.
Is it possible to get a nurse aid or a professional to assist Gogo, instead? Is her current helper overwhelmed? There are medical emergencies or likelihoods that both your daughter and current helper may not be equipped with to fully assist Gogo. Point out all these factors. Funds permitting, get a professional or someone with a background of dealing with elderly people. That would make it a win-win situation for everyone. Your husband’s anger is misplaced. As much as Gogo needs assistance, his daughter needs to lead a balanced life. Stick to your plan, it shall be well.
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Brother left me hanging
I am a 30-year-old married man. I get on well with my wife and we are blessed with two kids. I lost my parents in a car crash when I was just 12 years old.
My eldest brother, who was already married, instantly became my guardian. He did his best and his wife was equally good. After A-Level, I started working and studied for my degree. I never forgot that my brother was there for me when I needed him most.
I helped him with money and whatever he needed for his family. Our relationship was good until three months ago. He asked for a huge amount of money that I did not have. He promised to pay me back. I told him that I would borrow the money from a friend.
My friend gave me the money and my brother spent it. When time was due for my brother to pay back, I asked him and he blew his top. He told me that he looked after me and that is why he is now broke. He mentioned each and everything he ever did for me. He told me directly that he does not owe me anything, and it is actually the other way round. I am confused. I do not know what to do. We are not talking. Are there other underlying issues I am not aware of? What should I do? Please, help.
Response
It is admirable that your brother helped you in your time of need and that you have worked hard throughout the years to try and return the favour. I think your brother put you in a tight spot by asking for money you did not have to begin with, then left you to pay back your friend by yourself.
After all, you borrowed and promised to pay back; you assumed liability on behalf of your brother. All the good work he did in the past does not make up for treating you that way.
Remind him that blood is thicker than water and that such an issue must not create a gulf between the two of you. After expressing yourself, give your brother time to think about the gravity of his actions. All you can do is to be the bigger person, and offer an olive branch. In future, avoid commitments that may leave you in a tight spot if you fail to live up to your end of the bargain.
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Tinaye Agere
Online Reporter