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Dear Tete Joyie:
My husband has been sleeping with commercial sex workers on and off for the past three years.
He has on a few occasions had “relationships” with one of these women, texting and writing that he loves her.
I have caught him so many times, yet for some reason I can’t leave my 11-year marriage.
I am going to get help and so is he, but I am not sure how it will go.
One thing I can’t understand is that he hasn’t touched me or had sex with me in years.
He had a hip replacement and then hepatitis C so, for several years, I just thought he wasn’t up to it because of these health issues.
Then he was having a problem getting an erection.
As a loving wife, I just stood by his side until finding out three years ago about all these commercial sex workers.
I should add, he is also an addict, although this has only become a problem recently.
The question I need answered is this: why can he have sex with strangers, but not his wife? What is your advice?
Tete Joyie says:
You are a very strong person.
Plenty of women would have walked out by now. It is good you are both seeking help.
You don’t say if it is individual counselling or relationship therapy, but I would recommend the latter.
You need to get the answers to your questions if there is any hope of you staying together.
If he is not honest about his reasons, then you can’t find the solutions to enable you to move on from it.
Having a mediator present allows each of you to have your say in a controlled environment. It might take several sessions, but if he commits to it, then great.
At the end of it, you may even decide that you don’t want to stay married to him.
He also needs help with his addiction, whatever that is.
But, as I am sure you already know, that is something he needs to deal with himself.
You can’t make him do that, although if he thinks he is close to losing you, it might help him confront it.
I can’t tell you why he only has sex with prostitutes, hopefully the answer to that will come out during counselling sessions.
If he is self-conscious about his physical problems, he might find it easier to have sex with strangers because they don’t know him and he never has to see them again.
Or sex with prostitutes could also be part of his addiction.
What you have to decide is, can you move on from this and be happy as a couple?
You have to think carefully about your future and your long-term happiness.
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Parents’ fights eating me up
Dear Tete Joyie:
My parents split up around seven years ago and they still have huge issues to this day.
My mum hates my dad and I think that I am starting to as well.
I cry myself to sleep most nights because I know that I can’t cry in front of my little sisters, brother and mum.
I haven’t seen my dad for about three months because I avoid him.
However, he still manages to cause issues in my family.
I have no idea how to handle this and I have noone to talk to.
My friends at school don’t care and my oldest friends now just see me as a charity case.
I also can’t talk to another relative because they would go straight to my mum and she’s stressed enough as it is.
What do I do?
Tete Joyie says:
Please, please talk to your mum. You sound amazing, trying to protect everyone because you are the eldest.
You probably feel some responsibility to be grown up for your mum and younger siblings.
But you can’t and you should not have to do that.
Yes, your mum probably is stressed, but when she finds out how much all of this is affecting you, it will probably give her the strength to tackle the problem and your dad.
As a mum, I can promise you this, no matter how stressed I am,
I would want my kids to tell me if they were upset or anxious as it would help me to take control and your mum would feel the same.
Like any parent in that situation, the protective lioness will come out and helping you will be her priority.
Good luck.
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Hubby has child from affair
Dear Tete Joyie:
My husband had an affair some years ago and he and the woman concerned ended up having a daughter together.
He was not planning on telling me about the affair or the baby, and would not admit to it for ages, but eventually I forced him into confessing.
When he finally did come clean about the affair, he told me he wanted our marriage to survive, but forgiving him has been a real challenge.
We have been married for 18 years and have two daughters of our own.
I did not meet his child until she was a year old and she is now five.
He has visitation rights every other weekend, but I no longer want to be a part of it.
Am I wrong?
I have advised him to spend time with his daughter outside of our household, just temporarily, until I heal.
I need to be able to do this and to forgive my husband, but I am still not there yet.
At the moment, I find that spending time with this child is a constant reminder of his affair.
And, yes, I totally understand that his daughter is completely innocent in all of this.
However, I just don’t feel that I can have a relationship with her right now.
Is that wrong?
Tete Joyie says:
I can see you feel very guilty about having these feelings but, no, I don’t think you are wrong.
As long as your husband is having a relationship with his daughter, that is the most important thing.
And you are not saying you will never be able to have that relationship, just not at the moment because you’re having a tough time dealing with the fallout.
I am sure you understand that you should not stop him from seeing his daughter; and you are right, she is innocent in this and deserves to have her father in her life.
If you were trying to stop that, that would be wrong.
For the time being, he can take her out to the park and there are plenty of other things they can do together outside the house.
Then, when you feel ready to deal with it, build up to your meetings slowly.
We all deal with things in different ways and for some of us, it takes longer than for others, so stop giving yourself a hard time.
He cheated on you and had a child with his mistress, some women would never get over that betrayal.
But with more time and with healing, hopefully you will be able to get to a place where you can have a relationship with this little girl.
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Online Reporter