Online Reporter
This week’s letters illustrate that transparency and integrity are the cornerstones of healthy relationships, whereas financial secrets erode marital trust. Similarly, broken promises in friendships, particularly regarding debt, demand immediate restitution rather than hollow excuses. When facing external family interference, maintaining a quiet dignity is the most effective response.
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Dear Amai, thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail, which I follow religiously. I am a married woman and mother of three teenage children. I am gainfully employed, and so is my husband. When it comes to helping our parents, I feel mine are taken advantage of. This hurts me badly because we have a combined budget. I devised a plan so that I could also help my parents privately.
I joined mukando at work after being advised by fellow workmates to be part of it. This has been working well so far. I am telling you the whole truth so that you advise me accordingly. I had put US$2 000 aside for a project that I had earmarked for my parents. Last week I found all the money gone and the only people whom I suspect are either my husband or my new house cleaner.
I have not said a word about it because I am still considering how to go about it. I kept this money in my old church uniform pocket in the wardrobe, which I do not share with my husband.
I am broken but trying hard to act normal. My hubby has been asking whether I am sick or not. He says I am not myself. I do not know whether this is how I now look or he is the one who took the money. Amai, please help. I do not know what to do. I just cannot think straight.
Response
Thank you for writing in and pouring out the truth. It is very noble to be true to self. Let me call a spade a spade: I do not think you understand what marriage entails. You do not hide anything from your spouse. You said your parents were being treated unfairly but you did not bring this issue to the table for discussion. As much as the idea of mukando sounds good, you purposely did it for a divisive reason. When you deceive your spouse, you fool yourself too because you are one entity.
The amount that disappeared in your home is a lot. For this issue to be resolved, you have to come clean about the whole thing. You can call the aunts, one from your side and the other from your husband’s side, and discuss this at length. You know your backgrounds well and you are aware of where more assistance may be necessary.
You cannot always give them the same amounts or provisions; they may vary based on needs. You need to check with everyone in your household, and this unfortunately includes your kids and the house cleaner. You may even engage the police if you are not satisfied.
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Unable to settle a debt
Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 36-year-old man, married, with two kids. My wife is a full-time homemaker and a caring mother of our children. I am the sole breadwinner. Our eldest child fell seriously ill and there was a big shortfall as medical aid could not cover the entire cost. The only person I thought of in my time of need was my close childhood friend. When I went to him, he was really touched by my plight but the only amount he had was earmarked for his son’s fees.
We both chose to save the life in need, and he sacrificed the fees savings. I made a promise out of desperation, without thinking twice, that I would pay back within two weeks. My child was totally healed; praise be to God. I appreciate my friend’s sacrifice. Amai, it is true that it never rains but it pours.
I was unable to fulfil my promise in time; up to now, I have not paid back. My friend had to sell and part with one of his prized possessions in order to pay fees for his child. I have given him many updates, but nothing has come to fruition. He does not talk to me anymore or pick up my phone calls. I cannot afford to lose him as a friend. How can I make things right?
Response
I am happy the child is now fine and all this was made possible because of a good friend. I understand your friend’s frustration. He took your word; he had no reason to doubt you. You were dealing with an emergency and he did what was best at that moment. In circumstances like that, you must never make empty promises.
After you failed to meet your promise, you continued to give him false hope. You are to blame. You caused an unnecessary loss of possessions and fell out of his favour. Did it cross your mind to borrow or sell your own possessions to repay this debt? After all, a child’s school fees are as important an emergency as the one that befell you. Unless you show up with the money, this rift will continue to grow.
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Father-in-law getting on my last nerve
I am a 32-year-old married man. When I married, I did not want my spouse to be a full-time housewife because I had seen her potential. By then, she only had Ordinary Level qualifications but now she is degreed. I single-handedly paid for her fees and helped out by spending time with our two kids while she studied.
She is now 30 years old and hardworking both at home and at work. She heads a department in one of the ministries.
A fortnight ago, we visited her parents who reside at their plot. The first thing I noticed was that baba was very moody and did not seem to enjoy our presence. As I chatted with him, I mentioned that we were not going to sleep over because my mother was visiting us the very same day since she had a routine medical checkup in the city.
He snapped at me and said his daughter was overwhelmed and tired of looking after my side of the family. To add insult to injury, he mentioned that it was not the reason he sent her to school. I was shocked to hear him say that. Fortunately, my wife was there. She told him that it was not fair for him to put words into her mouth. I am angry, Amai. Will it be okay if I send him a message reminding him of what I did for my wife so she could become who she is today?
Response
Well done for sending your wife to school. That was a gesture of true love and commitment. You helped bring out the best in her. At times one can blow things out of proportion by retaliating. In your case, it is not necessary at all because your wife put your father-in-law in his place. She did not support her father’s selfish thinking.
You knew what you wanted to achieve as a family when you sent your wife to school. You did it for your family and now you are all enjoying the benefits. You do not need to explain anything to anyone. My advice is: Do not respond now as an afterthought since you did not say anything on the day. It is now water under the bridge. Take the high road; let him wrestle with himself. At times that is the only way some people truly see that what they are trying to stir up is a hopeless cause. I wish you all the best.
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