Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
THIS WEEK, our letters reveal deeply personal struggles: individuals grappling with estranged fathers, the disruptive influence of manipulative ex-partners on marriages and the complex conflicts that arise in matters of the heart when family ties intersect with new relationships.
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I am a 23-year-old lady married to a man aged 33. I love him and he loves me, too. We have a 14-month-old child. A strange woman is disturbing our relationship. She used to date my husband and fell pregnant. However, she ran off with another man she was cheating with. She claims my husband fathered the child, but she is blaming the wrong person. What bothers me even more is that she demands money and airtime from my husband and he gives in. When he does not, she calls him and he has to give her a valid excuse why he could not meet her demands. I am frustrated. How can I put an end to this?
Response
Many people get stuck in marriage because they skip premarital counselling, which plays a pivotal role in understanding what marriage truly entails before committing. In most cases, people behave as if they are running away from a certain way of life and blindly jump into marriage before they are ready.
You cannot commit and then try to work on your shortcomings; that is putting the cart before the horse. It is unfortunate that I can only communicate with you, the writer. Your husband needs to stop meddling with someone else’s wife.
Going back and forth with an ex when you are married just shows how foolish people can be. In this day and age, your husband is being manipulated by someone who is clearly just out to enrich herself. He can simply end all of this by demanding a DNA test.
My question is: If he really is the father, then why did this woman choose the other guy? It is obvious that she double-crossed him. Why is he being held to ransom by a married woman? Tell your husband that if this continues, he must take the child for DNA tests.
It is the child’s right to know their biological father. My sixth sense tells me that he may not even be the father. This woman is greedy. Who in their right mind demands money for airtime? You have to take drastic measures to stop this rot. Use the law to protect yourself.
If you have tangible proof of what you are saying, you can sue her for adultery. I also urge you to engage a professional counsellor. I can tell that your marriage lacks communication, which is the pillar for any union. Pray sincerely for divine intervention.
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I can’t connect with deadbeat dad
I am a young man, almost 30, and I am writing to you with a big problem. My parents separated when I was just one. Until recently, I did not even know my father. I use my mother’s surname. I grew up knowing only her relatives.
The strange thing is my father lived in the same neighbourhood as us all these years but never bothered to look for me. I had honestly given up on him until those close to me recently encouraged me to reach out.
Now that I have, his excuses just do not hold water, and frankly, I do not see where we can go from here. Is it wrong to feel so little towards my father or should I give it more time?
Response
Your case is far from unique and the feeling of resentment you have towards your father is completely normal, considering he has been absent for most of your early life.
He is, in fact, a stranger to you. What did you expect to gain by reaching out?
It is certainly strange that he lived close by all these years, contributed nothing towards your upbringing and is now making excuses.
He has many unanswered questions to address. I would strongly recommend counselling for both of you so that you can try to explore all these unresolved issues.
You are almost 30 now; you are an adult and the choice is entirely up to you, whether you deem it necessary to create a relationship with your biological father or not.
I also think you need to ask your mother to fill in some of the blanks. I get the sense that you have been deprived of a lot of information regarding the circumstances that led to the separation. I wish you well.
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I’ve fallen in love with cousin’s ex
I am a 22-year-old girl pursuing my studies and I find myself in a difficult situation. I am dating my cousin’s ex-boyfriend and we have been together for the past seven months.
My cousin broke up with this guy and married the next man she dated. She now lives in South Africa. The challenges I am facing stem from my mother and my aunt (who is my cousin’s mother). My boyfriend says he wants to marry me.
However, the thought of going with him to the very same aunt who does not like him is worrying me.
I have also heard bad things about him and I have spoken to him about it. He told me not to pay attention to what people say. What do you recommend I do?
Response
I read your letter twice because I was trying to grasp exactly what is going on. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I think you should not have allowed your cousin’s ex to charm you.
It undeniably creates a lot of unnecessary tension within the family. The truth is, you are both adults, and you can choose to do what you wish at any point in time. Your mother and aunt are upset because they likely wish you had chosen differently.
It is good that your boyfriend does not let the rumours get to him. People tend to talk, and at times, the grapevine can be misleading.
Before you make your decision, I would want you to reflect deeply. If the roles were reversed, would you approve of your cousin dating your ex and potentially marrying them? I am also curious to know how your cousin feels about all this.
If she were to give her blessing or speak out, perhaps tempers within the family would cool down. Either way, you are at a crossroads, and a decision has to be made. Just be careful that picking your lover may isolate you from the rest of your family.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Tinaye Agere
Online Reporter