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Laina Makuzha Love by Design
Promoting love and peace in homes, in a world so torn apart by hate and violence might appear rather futile, yet the more I hear about some of the things building up to the violence and disintegration of marriages, the more I think it’s worth a shot addressing some of these issues and creating a platform for continuing conversations for the promotion of better relationships which can make for stronger happier families and stronger communities at large.
When couples have their marriage intact, not only do they enjoy it, supporting each other in building their family’s future, but they also provide — where children exist — a safe healthy environment for all to thrive.
All too often we hear stories of some forms of gender based violence, such as domestic violence which is amongst the most common forms of GBV. Why are couples finding themselves in violent conflict? Just browsing the news one finds infidelity at the centre of some of these conflicts.
There is something about infidelity that affects mental health of the partner who discovers they are being cheated in marriage. Few cheated partners would take it lying down.
Even without delving in statistics, infidelity is known to hardly ever end well. It can have lasting damaging effects on partners and children if the couple has them. Anxiety, depression, anger, and violence have been known to commonly surface from cases of infidelity — with the extremes of fatal violence or suicide. Some families have had to engage professional help in order to move past infidelity, with time and therapy playing a part in the healing and restoration process. But those that have gone through it will tell you it is not easy.
If you really want your marriage to last, I implore you husbands, wives, please talk to each other earnestly.
Surely you are not enemies – you are in the same camp, please address any matters before they get out of hand, talk about what areas need attention in your marriage or what needs some kind of “tweaking.”
Talk about what matters, discuss the deal breakers so that your partner is in the know. It doesn’t help to keep them in the dark and then tell someone else.
Give one another the chance to speak freely, and when it is your turn to speak, be firm but still kind and loving, some would call it employing “tough love”. Be willing to listen without ridiculing or belittling your partner.
These seemingly small things can drive a partner to confide in someone else and unfortunately in some cases, this someone else can be of the opposite sex and might grow unnecessarily close to your spouse.
Also you don’t want them resorting to telling all your business in public, sometimes hair salons or sometimes social media and such. That rarely builds a relationship. We’ve all seen many relationships fall apart due to poor communication where a partner or both rather resort to verbal matches on social media, yet coming from the same house.
By so doing they open themselves up to external influence, which is not always kind and sometimes incites violence or break ups.
Talking to a sworn cheater the other day, about why he cheats with no remorse – he said to me: “Women change once they are married, before you know it, some key components of marriage such as… are off the table. You have no idea how many men suffer in silence and how ridiculous it is to expect a man to beg for what he mainly got married for…”
In my mind I was thinking: he’s got the nerve! — so he’s making excuses, putting the blame on women for his choices?! But to be fair, though I vehemently disagreed with his logic, I thought I should first hear his full response, since I was the one who had asked.
As he went on, soon enough I realised there was a problem around deprivation of conjugal rights that might be worth looking into by couples. This was not the first time I was hearing complaints from a male perspective. I have equally listened as women also express their concerns regarding husbands not meeting their needs.
What I picked most evidently was a lack of communication about needs and expectations in such cases. From just listening to both sides, many of the “grievances” by spouses in the bulk of cases, are not anything they couldn’t solve if they wanted to. But there seems to be a quick throwing in of the towel.
In Zimbabwe, statistics from the High Court showed at least 1 351 divorce cases were handled in 2021, up from 1 117 in 2020. At the risk of asking a rhetoric question, I wonder have couples lost the will to solve the problems and fight for their marriage?
The view that many “men suffer in silence” in marriages, by being deprived of conjugal rights by their wives, got me thinking the flip side could also be true, based on the discussions I pick up in my day to day.
The cheater who brought it up believes that though many will suffer in silence, others (like himself) choose to find their happiness elsewhere after seeing the “unrepentent” attitude of their spouses and this is where his infidelity stems from.
“So since you like promoting love, marriage and healthy relationships so much, how can you help couples in this situation?”, he asked.
Off the cuff, and acknowledging the gravity of the matter, I started by giving my view this way: In relationships it’s a give and take — whether married or striving to reach the goal of marriage. Husbands and wives alike need to be united in purpose and each has a role to play and great contribution to make towards their happiness as a couple.
There’s a warped notion that a wife’s only role is she came to literally just service her husband, cook, do his other chores, and meet his needs, basically be at his back and call without any expectation herself.
However, while she may deliver on all these, that is not all she is about. She’s a whole precious individual, who also needs her husband’s love in all its facets.
I told him I was not professing to solve these challenges, but just opening the conversations, facilitating and inviting couples and experts alike to join in the conversation and drop nuggets of wisdom that might help someone whose relationship or marriage might be under siege one way or another.
But this particular cheater whom I thought was rather arrogant about it, asked another question I didn’t think I answered well. He wanted to know what society expects men to do in the case of being deprived by their wives and why wives will accept counselling at church and agree to change yet go back to their old ways.
I threw it back to him, what he thought should happen and recommended good amicable communication of needs and concerns between couples.
He painted a gloomy picture: “All this talking doesn’t help. Your next article, will not be the first article, hundreds have been written but no change in behaviour. I guess that’s how it is and how it is going to be.”
My question is could this be true, is there no hope? Could this individual be on to something?? In this month in which 16 days of activism against GBV are observed, I hope we can together tackle some of the issues that are driving people who once loved each other, or their children or families, into killing, trafficking, sexual abuse, domestic violence among other GBV ills.
There is so much guidance, wisdom and inspiration that can be drawn from Biblical scriptures a s well that can really help couples maximise on their love. Apostle Paul taught on marriage in several of his letters. In 1 Corinthians he taught that husband and wife should give one another their conjugal rights (1 Cor. 7:3).
Ephesians 5:22-33 – covers how wives should submit themselves selves unto their own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Husbands are also told: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; in Ephesians 5:28 – So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Genesis 2:24 – Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
I could go on but I think you get the point.
My parting shot this week is from Ephesians 4:32 – And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
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