Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
I am a woman aged 26 and I have been in a relationship with my 27-year-old boyfriend for three years.
He promised me an engagement ring, so we invited our friends and family to witness this milestone. To my shock, he presented me with a promise ring instead.
I feel cheated because these two gestures carry entirely different weights.
Had I known his intentions, I would have kept the occasion private.
While some guests assumed he simply confused the terms, he insisted he knew exactly what he was doing and stated he was “not yet at the engagement stage”.
I am heartbroken and humiliated, especially considering that my sister travelled all the way from Egypt for this. I love him deeply, but my trust is broken. I intend to return the ring. I am confused. Please help me, Amai.
Response
Greetings, dear writer. I am truly sorry for what you have experienced. There is a fundamental contradiction in your heart right now:
You say you love him, but you no longer trust him. In a healthy relationship, love and trust go hand in hand; they cannot be separated. Promise rings and engagement rings are entirely different in meaning — they are as different as chalk and cheese.
At this stage, the best path forward is to seek professional counselling. You need a neutral space to discuss your differing levels of readiness for marriage and what that means for your future together.
In future, try to avoid involving family and friends in these milestones unless you are absolutely certain of the outcome.
I wish you the very best as you reflect on your situation and decide on your next steps.
******************
My stepchild is ungrateful
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 40-year-old woman and my husband is 46.
We are both gainfully employed and have two beautiful children together. When I married my husband, he already had a daughter from a previous relationship.
I loved and raised her as my own.
Many people even assume she is my biological child.
She is now grown and planning to marry in two months, but she is creating significant conflict regarding the ceremony.
She is demanding that proceedings take place at her biological mother’s home or a neutral venue. However, her mother is married and her spouse does not want the ceremony held there.
My husband has firmly ruled out both a neutral venue and the mother’s home. I feel she is complicating matters unnecessarily and disregarding the home we built for her. Consequently, I no longer wish to be part of her lobola day plans. Please help, I am at my wits’ end.
Response
I am very well and thank you for reaching out. First, I commend you for raising your stepdaughter with such a good heart and pure intentions; that is no small feat.
Regarding the current conflict, it is difficult to understand why everyone is being so difficult.
Lobola is part of a traditional ceremony that must be held at the bride’s family home — in this case, your home.
Culturally, there is no such thing as a “neutral venue”, and it would be considered taboo to marry her off from her stepfather’s home, as she does not belong to that household.
Tradition dictates that it is the father who gives his daughter away and he must do so in his own home.
If the venue is changed, the groom’s relatives may sense that something is amiss, which could bring unnecessary scrutiny to the family.
My advice is to hold a candid meeting with the family elders. You must tell your stepdaughter clearly that she needs to comply with these traditions or navigate the process on her own. I wish you strength and would be happy to hear from you again.
************
Why is gogo playing matchmaker?
I am an 18-year-old girl living with my gogo.
My mother does menial jobs in South Africa and rarely visits and I have never known my father, who I am told was a Malawian herder who has since returned home.
A local teacher in his 40s — who has been married and divorced twice with four children — is currently courting me.
He has approached my gogo and given her the false impression that I also love him.
He regularly brings groceries and often tells me about the life he can provide if I accept him.
While I respect him as a father figure, I have no feelings for him whatsoever.
I am deeply torn. My gogo has been more of a mother to me than my biological mom and she truly likes this man.
Should I enter this relationship just for her sake?
If I go against her wishes, what will my life become? I am frightened and confused. Please help.
Response
Dear writer, thank you for writing in. Your letter made my reading very sad.
I appreciate the role gogo has played in your life in the absence of your biological parents. She has really done well.
Gogo seems overprotective and genuinely wants the right thing for you.
She is trying to match you with someone; she means well. It is unfortunate, but that is not how chemistry, let alone marriage, works.
You must be in love with that person and see a future with them.
Marriage is a life commitment, while groceries and gifts are material objects that can only do so much. Tell gogo respectfully how you feel. You did not elaborate on your educational background. Would you like to advance your education and do you have career goals of your own? You are still very young and have a lot to live for, marriage aside.
The short history you have given me about this guy leaves a lot to be desired. He has been divorced twice and has four children. If this is a pattern, what makes you think the third time will be a charm?
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
