Online Reporter
Dear Amai, I am a married woman and mother of two beautiful children. My husband is a man of few words, so I often end up speaking on his behalf. I have a problem with every landlord I have ever encountered.
If you have dealt with one, you have dealt with them all. It is a culture embedded in them, like how all kombi crews operate the same.
I started renting with my husband seven years ago after our wedding.
Since then, we have lived in four different places, and the problems have been the same. Landlords want to assert their authority, make unnecessary demands and show off when we have visitors. They also impose dozens of rules.
We do not have a place of our own, and this is very frustrating. I was never a lodger before I got married. Please help me find a level-headed landlord, if they still exist.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. I am concerned that you have moved four times in seven years. That is far too much; it is not conducive for your children’s need for stability. You did not mention whether you had leases. If you did, why move into a house with so many problems?
A lease should be signed once both parties are satisfied with the agreement. It is binding. Anything outside it is not proper. If you relied on verbal agreements, then you unfortunately left yourselves vulnerable. I strongly encourage you to find a place you like and sign a lease. Another option, —though not an easy one — is to work hard and build your dream home over the years to put a definitive end to these problems. I wish you all the best.
*********
There is no smoke without fire
Dear Amai, I am happily married, and we are blessed with twin girls. My husband is naturally not in the habit of giving people lifts and even advised me against doing so. Last week, on his way for an evening carol practice, he, however, gave a lift to a lady from our church because it was raining, and he told me about it when he returned. She is also in the choir.
This was understandable, but what angered and worried me is that the lady forgot her lipstick in the car. Why and how? I asked for her name, but he says he will only tell me when I calm down. He believes the lipstick mistakenly fell from her bag. Amai, a friend advised me to take the matter to church so I can find out who this “mystery passenger” was. I am heartbroken. What is your take on this?
Response
Greetings, dear writer. The key phrase in your letter is “happily married”, which is refreshing to hear these days. In my view, you are brewing a storm in a teacup.
Your husband told you about the lady he gave a lift before you even saw the lipstick. Why would he tell you if he had bad intentions? This suggests he is probably innocent. People forget far more valuable items on buses, kombis and even planes, so this is not extraordinary. What is the big deal about lipstick? What would you gain by taking this matter to the church besides exposing your marriage to be on shaky ground? I do not think your friend advised you wisely.
Hold your horses and wait for him to tell you the name of the passenger when you have calmed down.
If you truly no longer trust him, then gather tangible evidence and begin counselling. I would be happy to hear from you again.
*********
Desperate to conceive
Dear Amai, how are you? I am a 38-year-old woman. I am married to a man of the same age. We have been married for 10 years but we have no children yet. Amai, my husband’s relatives have no kind words for me. They believe the problem is mine.
In our culture, people are called by their children’s or husband’s names, so they mock me and ask whether my husband is my child. My husband used to be sympathetic, but now he no longer defends me. We have been using traditional medicines, but nothing has worked. Do you know of any traditionalist who can help me?
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. Your letter made me sad. It is very cruel for people to blame you. I have nothing against traditional medicine, but I strongly suggest that both of you go to a fertility clinic. There are many advantages: They use scans, X-rays and various other tests to determine what the problem could be. They also proffer solutions. Do not be pressured. Children are gifts from God, and His timing is perfect. People marry for love; everything else is an addition. Lastly, seek professional counselling and continue supporting each other. Your husband must not let the frustration get to him. Please keep me updated.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
