Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
THIS week’s letters delve into complex romantic dilemmas. When you are grappling with mismatched expectations or navigating problematic relationships, it is always smart to first prioritise your personal well-being. Staying as grounded and sane as possible helps you make sound decisions in the long run.
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Dear Amai, I hope you are well. I am a 30-year-old woman deeply in love with a man of the same age. We have been dating for six years. I have tried to discuss getting officially married, but he unequivocally states he does not believe in marriage, despite affirming I am the love of his life.
He simply wants me to be his partner. I find this confusing because he is incredibly faithful and loving, and I even have my own set of keys to his apartment. Our families are aware of our relationship, and my father’s sister, tete, often asks why we have not done “the correct thing”.
We are both degreed and gainfully employed. Amai, how can I make him understand? He is the only man I have feelings for, yet in our culture, marriage is the only permissible way for two people to live together as husband and wife.
Response
Thank you for reaching out. I am very well, thank you. On paper, you sound like a wonderful couple. Six years of dating indeed shows significant commitment. From my perspective, it seems you both have different objectives, despite being deeply in love.
I suggest you consider professional counselling to see if a solution can emerge from this discussion.
If your partner remains firm in his stance and you feel strongly that marriage is essential for you, then the only way forward might be to move on. Sometimes it is not worth investing more time when the answer is already clear. Time is precious, and many things change as you grow. It will not be easy to let go of a six-year relationship, but sometimes that is the unfortunate reality.
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Fiancé playing mind games with me
I am a 23-year-old single woman in love with a man aged 30. We have been together for a year. Most of his family members genuinely love and adore me.
Recently, I visited his house and he imposed himself on me against my wishes. I threatened to expose him, but he told me not to, claiming he intended to marry me.
The very next day, he gave me some pills, saying they would prevent pregnancy. When I asked him about our future plans, he said he had none. Amai, my heart is broken. He is now playing hard to get, but his relatives are telling me to hold on, assuring me they will bring him around.
Is it possible for him to disappoint me when most of his family members want me to be his wife? Do you think he will change his mind and marry me?
Response
Thank you for reaching out and for supporting the column. Please, wake up and see things for what they are. There is nothing in this relationship for you; the writing is clearly on the wall. This man has directly told you he has no plans for you. How much clearer does he need to be? Furthermore, if he imposed himself on you against your will and you have evidence, this must be treated as a rape case. This is a serious criminal offence and you should report him to the police immediately.
I am shocked that, at your age, you would take pills from someone who is not a doctor and simply believe what you are told. This is incredibly dangerous. You did not even consider the side effects or long-term dangers. Do not rush into marriage. Instead, focus on your well-being. Do not be misled by how his relatives treat you; it means nothing in the face of his clear statements and actions. You are fortunate that he has shown you his true intentions, so please move on and do not waste any more time.
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Does age matter?
I am a 40-year-old single, independent lady with a beautiful house, a car and a successful business.
I fell in love with an unemployed 22-year-old guy and we have been inseparable since he came into my life. He used to visit me, but last month he moved in permanently.
Last weekend, his parents and siblings came to my house to collect him. They called me “kachembere” and other unprintable names. His elder brother beat him and forcefully put him in their car before driving off.
That very night, around midnight, he texted me asking me to discreetly pick him up. I did as he had requested and brought him back home. We are so much in love. His father even called to tell him he had disowned him.
Amai, is what his family is doing fair? If they continue this nonsense, I will call the police on them. What do you think about this abuse?
Response
They say love knows no age, but it is still important to approach such relationships with caution and take things one step at a time.
While your partner is an adult, an 18-year age difference is quite significant. He is 22 and unemployed, which suggests he still needs a lot of support and guidance.
You are talking about marriage, but are both of you truly ready for that commitment? Given your financial success and his unemployment, his family might suspect there are ulterior motives behind this relationship.
For him, it could appear to be a path to financial stability, while for you, it might feel like a new chance at love. Please, do not make hasty decisions just to spite his family. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. I strongly suggest you both seek professional pre-marital counselling.
This will help you determine if you are genuinely prepared to go the distance and understand the complexities of building a life together, especially with such a significant age and financial disparity.
Regarding his family’s actions, assaulting him and forcibly removing him from your home is unacceptable and constitutes a criminal offence. If you choose to involve the police, that is your right. However, I also encourage you to try and maintain a neutral relationship with his family. You never know what the future holds and remember that blood is thicker than water.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Tinaye Agere
Online Reporter