adminDear Coleen
MY husband died in 2013 very suddenly. He collapsed on the kitchen floor and died right there. I am now trying to get my life back on track. I have one daughter who I don’t see as her dad fell out with her years ago. She got in with the wrong crowd and fell pregnant and he wouldn’t let me see her. Now she doesn’t want to see me. I can totally understand how she feels?? – As her mum I let her down. I should have stood up to my husband but I couldn’t.
My other problem is that recently a very nice man asked me out. He has been married before and says he doesn’t want a serious relationship, explaining that he doesn’t want to get hurt again. However, I’m not like that – I wouldn’t hurt anyone and I’m nothing like his ex-wives (he’s been married twice).
I just want someone to love, talk to and go out with. Do you think he will come round to my way of thinking or am I just wasting my time with him? I do like him very much but I worry about his lack of commitment. I’m lonely and want a full life again – all my friends are married or have partners and I feel very isolated.
Coleen says
I think it’s fantastic that you’re ready to love again and move on. But I don’t think you should necessarily be looking for your next life partner. You feel lonely and I totally get that but why not enjoy this man’s company for what it is, even if it’s just to slowly ease yourself back out there. Have nice meals, go for a drink or to the cinema – it doesn’t have to be physical.
And as you get to know each other better, he might start to feel less worried about getting involved with someone else. There is nothing wrong with taking things slowly, having a nice time and seeing where it leads. And, actually, you might go on a few dates and think, “He’s not the one for me.”
As for your daughter, as long as you tell her what you’ve told me – that you’d love to see her and realise you made a big mistake in not supporting her – then there’s not a lot else you can do. It’s up to her then. I understand why she still feels hurt. You admit yourself you let her down when she needed you so you can’t expect it to be instant now that you need her. It might take time for her to get her head round it – hopefully that will be the case – or she might never engage.
However, I think if you get in touch with her with a genuine apology and willingness to start again, at least you’ve made peace with yourself, which will hopefully help you to move forward.
Dear Coleen
I had a baby two years ago and although I love him to bits, I found the adjustment to being a full-time mum quite a struggle. I had a great job, but decided to give it up while I was on maternity leave – I thought it would be the best thing for my son and me – plus my husband has a good job. My son started nursery recently, though, so I decided to go for a few job interviews and try some freelance work, but it’s been a disaster.
I’ve just lost confidence in myself. I didn’t feel I did anything well and had no callbacks from the interviews.
Any advice?
Coleen says
Don’t give up. I feel dead proud of you because you’ve got back out there and you’re trying. The thing most parenting books don’t tell you, and your friends and mother gloss over when you’re expecting your first child, is that it totally upends your life. Things are going to be different the minute that child enters the world and that’s true even if you stay in the same job.
My ‘babies’ are in their mid to late 20s now and I still get texts from them just before I’m going on air wanting something or needing to know where something is. You have another set of responsibilities and it is a conflict. I think you also lose a little bit of toughness and it’s replaced by guilt on every level! But look what you have to show for it – a beautiful son.
As for these interviews, it might have nothing to do with how you come across – you might not have been what they were looking for. It doesn’t mean there won’t be an employer who will snap you up. And the more interviews you go to and the more work you take on, the more your confidence will grow.
Before you know it, you’ll be back moaning about office politics and wishing you were at home with a cuppa watching television. – Mirror Online
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