adminWELL hello again, welcome to August 2014 lol! Weddings, weddings, weddings, every weekend for me, so I am so excited. It is so nice to go to a wedding and not have to do anything. This is the first month this year that I am attending weddings every weekend that I am not officially involved in. I wonder if I will cope without sticking my nose in somewhere to help lol.
This week I had a message from Moses who said: “Hi Anastasia, I am Moses aged 42 and married for seven years.
My wife heard of my child outside marriage after the maintenance court. How can I convince her that I have changed? To be frank with you I have transformed, but she no longer trusts me in anyway. Please help!
Well, this is the very reason people I say, tell the truth from day one. I promise you there will never be a right time to tell the truth. If you know you have done something to hurt your partner, trust me, there is nothing you can do to make it better. No matter how long you wait when the truth finally comes out; it will hurt them ig time. And this is the result right here Mr Moses. Oh Boy! I hate to be in your household right now.
First, sorry man! Eish, I have realised that you made mistakes and your past has caught up with you. The hard thing is trying to convince the woman you now love that she is the only one for you now and that you are for real. Oooooh, man this is not going to be easy, let me tell you right up.
I guess you are at the point in your life where the decision to make the marriage work is not in your hands at the moment. But hope is not lost I always say. First, you need to get this ingrained in your mind my friend, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER A LONG TIME AGO. WHAT YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT KNOW WILL NOT KILL THEM; BUT WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEY WILL KILL YOU.
TRUST- the most important thing in a relationship (more than love I promise you). If it is lost, it is almost impossible to get back. Naturally women have a natural mistrust of men. It is something that is in bred in us from an early age whether we like it or not. As we get older our negative experiences with men along the way escalate this mistrust /jealousy or whatever we call it to sometimes unreasonable levels. So what starts off as normal and acceptable mistrust in time becomes a beast within us we women sometimes cannot control without religious or professional help. I am not talking about crazy women in some hospital, I am talking about everyday women we meet in the street, who are one thing to their friends, but a total emotional, low self-esteemed, physical wreck around their men.
Our fathers or lack of fathers only adds to this and in time; you may find yourself with a wonderful woman on the surface, but when you hurt her or cross her path, another being ruled by mistrust will emerge and you won’t like it. I know I was there, not once I might say. And it takes a lot of work to get her to trust you again genuinely.
So let us see if I can try and make you understand what she is feeling or even thinking right now so that you have a small idea of where you are and how to maybe fix it. It is very hard though without actually speaking to her and getting to the actual root of the issue, so I can only advice you according you your message. I take it that you did not go for marriage counselling (I have been taking about this for weeks). If you had; this secret of yours would have come out. If this affair happened before you were with your woman; it will be easier for you to deal with.
But as it stands I believe it happened in the early years of your marriage. If so, man you are sinking he, he, he, sorry not funny. Okay seriously! The fact that your woman has found out through a letter from the court because you have failed to pay maintenance for your other child is nasty.
So now before we even talk about what your wife thinks, the fact that you have failed to be a responsible and honest man and father by paying maintenance (which is the courts way of making you take responsibility for the child or children you sired with the other woman), shows that there still may be some form of immaturity and deceit there.
You see this is not about just your wives thoughts, it’s about what you are doing to each woman who has crossed your life past and now how you are dealing with your kids my friend (think about this carefully). I’m not judging you, I’m helping you see things from someone else’s eyes.
Now probably in your wife’s mind; she will wonder what else you have been doing behind her back?
Affair with your ex
She will wonder if you are still having the affair with the mother of this child. This is reasonably though because for the woman to go to the courts and provide them with your whereabouts, she would have had to either be chatting with you for some time or she should be in the same town or even country as you. Your wife will be convinced that you and this woman must have been having some form of discussion over the months and years for it to come to this.
Also you must have at some stage been to court over this issue. If you are from a traditional background that means there has been some communication from her side to you. All I am saying Sir is that your wife will never believe that this woman is no longer in your life. She will also wonder why if your relationship with this woman was over, did you not at any time mention to her that this was happening and that you were handling it through the courts. Why did you keep it a secret? You are definitely living a double life here.
Then the kids
Depending on whether you have kids with your current wife or not she may think you slept with the other woman because you could not have kids with her. She could also be thinking that there must be something wrong with her for you to be having an affair – old or not. As long as there are kids out there, there is no way she is going to believe you are not still seeing this woman. So stop trying to convince her. Right now it is war, your wife believes her partner (you) are now the enemy and so she is now sleeping with the enemy. The woman you slept with is also the enemy but on a different level. If she thinks you are siding with the woman at any time — forget restoring your marriage.
When is the next affair?
The thing that will be at the back of your wife’s mind for years to come will be to wonder what other stuff are you hiding from her. Every move you make or conversation you have, that is out of the norm per-Se; she will make it seem like you are up to something again.
Every time you look to long at another woman or if you make a comment about her female friends or even a female work mate – there goes a future affair in her mind.
I am now talking extreme cases now, but it does not take long for women to get there believe me.
That is all I can fit into the column this week, but hold on Moses there is more.
Help is not far my friend, and feel free to give this to your woman to read; she might see some hope in all this too.
Until next week, have a great week, stay positive and God bless.
(To be continued next week)
The writer can be messaged on 0772933845.
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