In which we add numbers, get no sum

BAR Talk with BRA GEE

Along with the rest of the world, we are keeping track of the Covid-19 journey.

Of course, we are greatly heartened by the information that alcohol, especially vodka could help stop the bug. Okay, so they say to use it as a disinfectant, but it will not hurt to drink a bit as we watch and wait.

Now, here is the part that is baffling us.

Out of over 100 000 infected, the figure of the deceased is less than 5 000 over a period of several weeks.

When you consider Covid-19 deaths as a percentage of global daily death rate, you find that it is not really anything alarming.

Take the good old USA. Anyone aged below 60 without chronic health challenges is still more likely to die as a victim of murderous compatriots, including the police (if it happens they are black) rather than from Covid-19.  But there is palpable global panic. You can literally smell the fear. And the panic is costing trillions.

China shutting down in an attempt to contain the virus made a lot of sense. But the US shutting down after the virus is already on America soil? Sounds like the script of a bad movie that cannot decide on whether it wants to be a drama or a comedy.

No wonder why the conspiracy buffs are the happiest people on earth right now.

The theorists all mutter darkly of how we are not being told the truth by the governments of the world. This is the one thing where all heads of state are determined to unite against the ordinary citizens, the conspiracy theory experts assure us. But they are not telling us just exactly what the end game is.

Bringing it home, the conspiracy experts are driving the alarmist train at bullet speed. It now seems like there is a Covid-19 death every minute. Right here in Zimbabwe and in all corners of the country, we are told. But we are yet to hear of the bereaved families, not a single one, so we can go and pay our respects.

Who on earth did you marry?

Let’s start with the facts before I move on to my opinion. A man and a woman of the African Pharisee tribe stand in front of crowds and swear to forsake all others unto death do them part.

Then they compound the sin of lying to each other, their god and the world by signing on a piece of paper. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Most of us do it at least once in this lifetime. Others several times over. But to get back to the story, predictably the man embraces others. With one specific other, he goes so far as to use the home kit. That of course leads to conception. The other woman makes noise. So Mrs African Pharisee feels hard done by and is now suing the other woman.

Let’s stop here, take a long and deep drink and ask a few questions: Did Mrs African Pharisee ever stop to think why the other woman did what she did?

Does Mrs African Pharisee not realise that her “man of God” probably promised marriage to the other woman and told her that Mrs African Pharisee was boring between the sheets and other stuff like that?

We don’t care what the law says.

The bottom line is that when your spouse cheats on you, it is the spouse who is cheating on you, not the other person. So what is the point of suing the other person? Does this woman think that her philandering husband will now repent?

But what is new? It is tradition for women to blame Jezebel for stealing the family jewels when we all know that the husband gives them away, freely and regularly and often.

Water first, then offices

So, City of Harare councillors would like offices in their wards. This is to make them accessible to the people so that they can serve us better, we are told. Hogwash! That is our response.

Because if you live in the same area as us, you will know that roads don’t exist, burst sewers are every day occurrences, refuse collection is a legend we tell the young kids and water has not come out of the taps in a number of households in places like Mabvuku for years.

So what new thing is it that these councillors think that they will hear if they open offices in the hood? We presume that the office will come with staff who will presumably be the councillors’ relatives and cronies. And operational bills which will be inflated.

Which means there will even be less money for service delivery. Then of course the councillors must get fancy furniture just in case they host some important people.

And allowances for the hours that they will hang their suit jackets on the back of the fancy chairs in the said offices while they go about their real and personal business.

Then at the end of all that, the councillors will tell us that they cannot solve our problems. We will continue to scrounge around for water like desert nomads. We will continue to fear that we could be the epicentre of the next deadly virus from all the pests that we live with now because of the rubbish dumps that litter our neighbourhoods because there is no refuse collection.

Our ex-Japs will continue to be shaken to pieces each time we have enough fuel to venture out of the gate onto the pothole pitted excuses for roads. Brigands will continue to rape, murder and pillage in the comforting darkness even when ZESA is good to us, because there are no street-lights.

So NO! We do not want any councillors’ offices. If anything, maybe, we can do away with councillors all together for the next 10 years and use their allowances and workshop expenses to deliver services.

One for the road

After hearing that vodka is deadly to coronavirus, a bar in some corner of the world has started offering a tot to every patron coming in.

Now that is our kind of people and we are challenging local bars to start this great custom.

Skal!