admintalking to important strangers.
Remember the article on pitching a deal where I used to be over-prepared with my own agenda. I loved the agenda, because it helped me know what I thought I should do. This article has more to do with “meeting new people” in general.
It’s about what happens when there’s no agenda.
I used to hate cocktail parties. I didn’t know how to hold my glass, snack on a salmon-filled crumpet, and spark a firing conversation with strangers while watching other people who smoothly flowed in and out of new conversations like they grew up swapping lunches.
It might have been so many failed attempts where people walked away from me that got me to think through this. And it leads me to this point where I do this for a living.
Here are a few techniques that work for me when meeting someone new. It’s simple and easy to remember, just don’t say them out loud before you start a new conversation.
Five phases in conversation (after the “How are you?”)
- The box of commending or ego questions. – When you start a new conversation focus most of your attention on the other person and notice positive traits or attributes about who he or she is and their work.
Understand them but also be understood. Open up the box of questions and fire away. People, for the most case have something they would love to share.
Even if it’s as simple as “I saw your website. Love how you used animation to get the message across. What gave you that idea?” The response to that statement and question could literally make you come across as a great guy, even though your new colleague did all the talking.
Notice how the question deliberately leads away from the one word answer, the other person has to talk beyond “fine”, “yes” and “no”.
- The storyboard – when people are giving one-word answers, it’s like playing tennis against a wall.
Sometimes other people also struggle with a starting line in small talk. Something interesting has to be told. The disclosing of personal “adventures” and moments past often breaks the proverbial ice, especially when there is humour involved.
This helps the seemingly stuck person that you are chatting to, to dive into your world for a bit and come out themselves. It also makes you easy to relate to.
- The bag of experiments – If nothing is going right try something different. Grab another drink. Suggest a dance. Comment on the music. Make an appropriate comment about another guest’s fashion faux pax.
- Historical Language – Talk based on inside jokes, past experiences, usually flirtatious and exclusive to one particular relationship or group of friends.
That group of friends laughing about the American football match you cannot understand, they are in this zone.
This level is what cliques use. It is punctuated with “slang” and terms that the group will relate to.
There is no ice to break as you are all getting along swimmingly.
- Heart Blanche – Going beyond the surface of your heart in what you reveal and what you ask.
Dreams, true love, calling, God moments, and major life revelations all go in here.
It requires a level of trust and openness to engage at this level. A conversation can flow through each phase or you can just use one.
No one phase alone is sufficient for a whole relationship. Not everyone needs to see the bag of experiments or heart blanche (that is for a select few).
Hitting the other three though is a sure-fire recipe for conversation success in any situation.
Being able to snag two glasses of champagne from a passing waiter and not splutter salmon crumpet over the guest’s dress as you laugh are additional skills needed to survive the cocktail party.
E-mail: [email protected]
Online Reporter