Online Reporter
Dr Rebecca Chisamba–Mudzimba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a single lady aged 24 with a degree and gainfully employed. I am madly in love with a guy who claims to be self-employed.
However, he never explains what he really does for a living. I have tried to start that conversation several times but he always avoids it. He is very streetwise, making it difficult to pin him down. Most of the calls he receives are about unserviced debts.
He is known as “the hustler” in some circles. He says I am the love of his life and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to pay lobola but says he wants me to loan him the funds. I have the money but I am torn apart because I am not sure how I will recover the funds from him. I know of a schoolmate who did that and was never reimbursed. They are now divorced. Amai, please help. What should I do?
Response
I am very well and thank you for reaching out. You are madly in love, as you clearly stated, and no one can dispute that. Love is a game of emotions.
From my perspective, you are in love with a stranger because you do not even know what this guy does for a living. I see a lot of red flags that you may not be aware of. This guy could be a con man. Why are people always looking for him because of unserviced debts?
Being streetwise is not enough; you have to know more about your future husband and the father of your kids. Culturally, you do not give your fiancé money to pay lobola, as it defeats the whole concept. Chances are high that he will not bother to pay you back. If I were in your shoes, I would take time to get to know this guy better before committing. The final choice remains yours. I wish you all the best.
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Why did I get married?
I am a newlywed woman aged 26 and my husband is 28. We both come from good families. In my case, I am an only child. My parents gifted me a house in a low-density area on our wedding day.
My in-laws did likewise; they gave my husband their second house, which is located in the ghetto, on the same day. As I write this letter, we are still staying at his parents’ house after “kuperekwa”, and we already have problems threatening our new marriage.
My husband and his family are saying we should go and stay at the house located in the ghetto to save money. I have never stayed in the ghetto and I do not want to go there. My parents are supporting my stance. This has divided us and our families. To cut a long story short, things are not looking good. What is the best way forward?
Response
Hello and congratulations on your wedding. My first question is: Did you ever go for premarital counselling? It seems you have no idea about what marriage or compromise is all about. It is very sad to start with problems, especially in the honeymoon phase. Both sets of parents did exceedingly well, as the properties you were gifted were hard-earned. You don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Marriage is about compromise and your reason for not wanting to stay in the ghetto is not valid at all.
You took vows but it seems you have already forgotten what they mean. What would happen if there was no option of a house in the low-density area? I think you are overreacting and your parents should appreciate that you are now married. You have to decide everything that concerns you with your spouse. Try a new experience and even suggest renting out the other house to generate extra income.
You both need urgent professional counselling before it is too late. Mind you, love will take you where you have never been or wanted to go, as long as you have each other. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Younger brother troublesome
Amai, how are you? I am 29 and single. I stay in an apartment in the central business district. My younger brother came from our rural home to look for employment in the city. My parents ordered I stay with him yet I am struggling financially. My sibling has hardly spent a month here but he is already seeing a woman older than me; she has even eloped. My place is very small and it is uncomfortable to have a stranger here as well.
She is a lady of the night and I really do not understand her. When she sees me, all she says is that I should ask my brother because he knows the truth. I told my parents about this and they said they do not want to hear about it. They do not want this woman anywhere near our rural home. Amai, how do I solve this? I am very upset.
Response
I am very well, thanks for enquiring. It seems your younger brother has no priorities in life. He came to look for employment, but he has found himself in a difficult situation instead. I suspect this lady of the night is awaiting payment to settle whatever happened between the two of them. Your brother should tell you the truth so that you know what to do. She is also taking advantage of your free accommodation, which is grossly unfair.
Culturally, people elope when they are sexually harassed or when they fall pregnant out of wedlock. If this woman is a lady of the night, then she does not fall into this category at all.
Your first option is to pay this lady what she is owed so she can be on her way out. The second option is to call the police so that she is evicted from your apartment. Soon after, send your brother packing so he learns his lesson; otherwise, he will bring another one home. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
