Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
I hope this message finds you well. I am a 39-year-old divorcee and father of two beautiful daughters. I was deeply in love with my childhood sweetheart for many years until I left to study abroad. I had promised to return and marry her after three years, but due to various pressures and circumstances, I failed to keep that promise. We each went on to marry other people, yet we never stopped communicating as friends.
To cut a long story short, both of us endured very difficult marriages and are now divorced. We are now planning to get married. She has one child from her previous marriage. However, our decision has caused division within both families. Some relatives blame us for the breakdown of our previous marriages. Despite this, we love each other deeply and believe this is our final and best chance at true love. Amai, what is your take on this? We truly need your advice.
Response
Dear writer, thank you for reaching out to me. Your letter reads like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet story. A lot of unfortunate events have unfolded between the two of you — whether by design or by default. One might say you were star-crossed lovers. But for now, it is water under the bridge. The most important thing is to move forward — and to do so in the right direction. You cannot control what people say or think; they are entitled to their opinions. As always, I call a spade a spade.
The first mistake you both made was entering your previous marriages while still carrying emotional baggage from your past relationship. You remained friends even after marrying other people. My million-dollar question is: What kind of friendship was this? Follow-up questions include: What did you talk about? Were your divorces mere coincidences or were they orchestrated? Did you ever consider your children’s happiness and future? The list goes on.
If you sabotaged your former marriages, I strongly advise seeking counselling. Start on a clean slate and ensure history does not repeat itself. As for your question, no one can stop you from getting married. You are adults. If you truly love each other, that is what matters most. However, you are also duty-bound to collaborate with your ex-partners regarding the welfare of your children. I wish you all the best. Please keep me posted.
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Where there is smoke, there is fire
Dear Amai, I am a 29-year-old married woman and mother of two children. My husband is 32 and gainfully employed. I am a full-time housewife, although I occasionally sell produce from my garden to earn a little income. For some time now, my husband has been leaving home to report for night duty every two days each fortnight. Last week, after he left for work, a freak accident occurred at home — our toddler was severely burnt when boiling water from a kettle splashed onto him. We rushed him to hospital and he was admitted.
I tried to call my husband to inform him about the incident, but his phone was constantly unreachable. Out of desperation, I drove to his workplace to deliver the news in person. To my shock, I was told that his department does not operate night shifts at all. I was numb and heartbroken.
I believe people at his workplace must have informed him about the accident. We are currently not speaking to each other. I have decided to wait until our child fully recovers before addressing this issue with him.
Amai, I am deeply confused and hurt. Do you have any insight into what might be going on?
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. I am very sorry about what happened to the baby. I wish him speedy recovery. I am glad you have put the interest of the child ahead of everything else. In a way, this will help you cool down. It does not take much to put two and two together — your husband was most likely up to no good. It is a very sensitive issue and I advise that you engage a professional counsellor to help you discuss the matter. Your husband must tell the truth and give reasons for creating and maintaining such a lie. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Mother-in-law stirring trouble
Thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail. I follow it religiously and have learnt a lot.
I am a 33-year-old woman who is married to a man of the same age. We are blessed with a beautiful daughter. When I got married, I joined my husband’s church to make it easier for us to worship together as a family.
Although I was born and raised in a Pentecostal environment, I had transitioned to a mainline church before marriage. We currently live at the family home and unfortunately, my mother-in-law treats me as though I am one of her househelps. I eventually stopped attending church because she is one of the most active gossipers there.
Many of her half-baked stories involve me and a few others. I have not gone to church in months and I feel deeply unhappy. Amai, would it be wrong for me to return to my original church rather than abandon worship altogether? My husband is aware of why I stopped attending, although he continues to go. What hurts me most is that some people believe the things my mother-in-law says about me. Please, I need your advice.
Response
Thank you for writing in. From your communication, I can tell that besides church problems, you do not get on well with your mother-in-law. You mentioned that she treats you like one of her househelps, but you left the issue hanging. So, I really do not know how to respond to that one. Househelps provide assistance; they should, therefore, be treated with love and dignity.
I am very sorry about what is going on between you and Amai. You make your husband’s life unbearable because you are the two most important ladies in his life. Have you ever sat down as a family and discussed these issues? It is necessary to do so, otherwise you will cause more harm than good. In our country, freedom of worship is permissible, but is that what is best for you as a family? I suggest you have a candid meeting with family elders to try and solve your problems. After that, you can then make an informed decision. It will also be easier for the elders to reprimand Amai if indeed she has been peddling falsehoods at church. I would be happy to hear from you.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
