It takes two to tango, play your part

to meet.
These are some of the things that I enjoy about our culture. When I was young there were older people who used to visit our home and address me as ambuya.
I still remember when, I must have been eight-years-old, there was this very old man who used to visit our home and the respect he showed me made me feel so uncomfortable as he would address me as ambuya and recite my totem as he greeted me while clapping his hands.
He would say: “Makadiiko Mukanya; Makadiiko Chinamhora.”
I would feel so embarrassed that an old man like him could show me so much respect, yet it was supposed to be the other way round.
I later on got used to it as more relatives addressed me that way, and I kind of felt put in a place of authority.
That is the uniqueness of the Zimbabwean culture that everyone has a role that they play from childhood to adulthood.
I am trying to explain this to some cultures who would be surprised how a 70-year-old person can be my muzukuru (grandchild).
Anyway, my muzukuru, who is around 70, had something burning that he wanted to tell me.
When he phoned me he had mentioned that he enjoyed the article that I wrote last week.
When we finally met he was going round and round in circles. He greeted me using my totem and asked how the family was doing which I also did.
He then referred to last week’s article and said, “Ambuya makaita basa nekunyora kuti vakadzi vaite ma-exercises. Ndanzwa nekufondoka ambuya. Kana ndiite sei ndinongonzi hapana zvandaita. Ndoti ko unoda kuti ndiite seiko, unongonzwa oti, ‘handisi kunyatsonzwa parere mwoyo’. Iwo musi uno ndakazoti ndingangofa ndenga ndikati ka toita 180 degrees munhu wakayowera, izvozvi muzukuru wenyu ari kuto kamhina.” (Grandmother you did well to write the article on “sport”; its not just for men, were you encouraged women to exercise. I am tired of being the one who does most of the work (in the leisure room). It does not matter what I do; your granddaughter (his wife) does not appreciate my efforts. She is forever complaining that she does not get satisfaction. Just recently I said to her we have to go 180 degrees, for her to get that satisfaction, she actually cried that I was breaking her and as I speak she is limping.”
Some of the reasons could be lack of exercise and some could be that she is not comfortable with that particular way of doing things.
When I visited my muzukuru’s wife, she was very comfortable to discuss what had happened and said to me: “Ambuya zvema 180 degrees takazviita tichatemwa dzinobva ropa. Hazvisirizvo zvinoita kuti zvinhu zvifambe, chete muzukuru akaoma musoro, mumwe musi muchanzwa kuti afenda, nekuda kuzviita mukomana. Chitema here kuti nditi handisikunzwa parere mwoyo. Panechiyi chatisina kuita nhai ambuya, tichazvinzwa, vanhu vanokura, zvinhu zvochinja.” (Grandmother the 180 degrees styles: we did them when we were still in our prime time, it is not the 180 degrees which makes playing pleasurable. Your grandson thinks that he is still young, one day you will receive news that he has collapsed because he is trying to be like a young man forgetting that with age things change.”
What she meant is that as you grow old you are not as athletic as you were and one should try and look for other ways of making each other happy, meeting half way.
I pointed to the fact that the husband is worried about her not exercising, and she only exercises kana azvimbirwa (when she has eaten and is too full).
She laughed and I ended laughing too, she sighed and shook her head.
“Kuseka nhamo kunge rugare. Muzukuru wenyu arikumbo nyanyo dyeyi ngaandipowo zvarikudya, zvinobva zvamupa ginger yakadaro, kutoda kundityora mukadzi mukuru, ndiudzeyi kuti vanhu ndinovaudza kuti ndirikugamina ndakaita sei?”
(One can laugh at problems as if she is laughing about something good.
What is it that your muzukuru is taking he must also give me, so that we can be at the same wavelength. Tell me ambuya what do I tell people who see me limping?).
She told me that she has been buying books and they would read a chapter and try out what was in the chapter, but for some reason my muzukuru was fascinated by a certain chapter which seemed not to come out of his head.
She said even if he has read some of the chapters which explain how at a certain age one needs to take things easy and other ways have been introduced but for some reason he seems to be more interested in being a bionic man.
We have heard of people who have had heart attacks in the process and yes at a certain age people have to take it easy.
Some couples that I know have been helped by reading books, which educate on this subject, after reading a chapter they do their homework, until the book is finished. Not everyone needs to read books some just improvise and have had a full filled life.
In past articles we also discussed the importance of communicating as a couple and couching each other, this helps to meet half way and minimise conflicts behind closed doors. Playing is just not physically, it should also be understood that it is very spiritual, feeling for and loving each other is very important for a couple to enjoy being together.
The 180 degrees which is part of the missionary way of doing things is not the only way to find pleasure, but some people are stuck in the conservative ways and they end up bringing misery during playtime.
It is essential for couples to understand that each and every part of the body can be used for leisure, it should really be leisure and not pain, from the head to toe, all that is a leisure field and it is up to the two of you to explore and bring joy to your love life.
Exploring other ways of doing things in the main room brings the two of you even closer as you laugh and joke about sometimes not getting it right, until you get it right.
You can do absolutely anything in that room as long as you do not hurt each other, as long as it is for enjoyment; go for it.
A friend of mine was approached by her niece who wanted advice.
The niece complained about how the husband wanted her to be a model in some costume, but she felt that it was for those women not her a decent woman.
I have never understood why women think that if they are in that room, they should be decent.
What is decency?
He wanted to admire his wife, and what is wrong with that. It also seems that women associate real pleasure with loose women.
Playing is playing and if you lose your mind in the process and become a child the better, then you go to a world that you have never been, it is fulfilling.
I asked the aunt who is my friend what advice she gave her and she said: “I told her that she should also buy her husband some costume, and have him on the ramp – call it Catwalk romance!” I laughed, and I repeated, “Catwalk Romance!” She said: “The way you have responded is the same way my niece responded but the advice worked.”
After the session these two had real fun and became more open to each other, and by just ramping they did not need to go missionary, they discussed other options.
Taking time to understand and appreciate your partner is vital to a happy marriage.
A colleague (a journalist) asked me when we met recently about me revisiting the Kanga and Mamba.
He said: “Joyce imbodzokorora Kanga and Mamba, vanhu varikurambana mudzimba umu. (Joyce why don’t you revisit the Kanga and Mamba story, do you know that people are divorcing at an alarming rate.”
A female journalist intervened and said that I had revisited the subject, but he said it was not exhausted and it needed to be revisited.
He reiterated: “People do not know their partners in these marriages that is why they are collapsing.”
The story of Kanga and Mamba was about a couple that had been married for years but did not know each other.
The kanga story was about a man who had never seen it as it was always covered by the kanga and when his eyes were opened that he could after all see it, he could not believe it, after having three children under the kanga.
The mamba was a man who had had been married to his wife for 25 years and because of his mamba style the wife did not know him.
Get to know your partner and have you will have fun!
Communication is central for couples.
Joyce Jenje Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author, producer and freelance journalist. She can be contacted on: [email protected]