adminSO this week’s column is strictly by email demand. I have been tasked to write about relationships outside marriage. To all those that take time out to send feedback, thank you so much, I value your feedback. Unfortunately I am not able to write about everything you request but I will try to incorporate most of your issues though I can’t address all of them.
I received an interesting email this past week, I will not get into detail because I will probably need a lot of space to write it all. Sometimes as women we are our biggest enemies. We frustrate ourselves simply because we have high expectations from people who do not see the value in us. I have always said marriages may not be for everyone and people should stop beating themselves down if marriage does not come knocking on their door.
Ladies please, if a guy wants to upgrade you he will marry you faster than you can blink, there is no book of tricks that helps you get hitched if Mr is all about having fun. So please do not play wife when you are not and end up frustrated so much that you stop believing in life and you are even contemplating ending your own life.
As women our biggest problem with our frustrations stem from the stories we invent in our heads. Instead of stomping around angry because you assume that he is never going to pop the question and you take it to your task to hint marriage or try and cage him might not work an easy cure for your frustration when you feel your partner is not ready for the big step is to stop assuming things and the only way to get the real answers is to actually talk it out.
It is always important for a woman to know her place, every girlfriend has responsibilities just like a wife has responsibilities. However, these responsibilities differ. A girlfriend cannot give a boyfriend husbandry benefits. As a woman know your place and what is required of you. For an example, a wife can wash her husband’s undergarments but a girlfriend should not, that is a wifely duty, well at least I think. At times men disrespect us women due to the way we as women treat ourselves or accept to be treated. This is why it is necessary for a woman to have boundaries.
Men respect women with boundaries. However, very few young women in this generation know what this means. It is always nice to visit your boyfriend for a weekend but remember they say a good guest is one who knows when to leave and if you decide to give your boyfriend husband rights then you should be able to deal with the outcome.
Boundaries in dating are very important and a boundary is that invisible line that separates you from the rest of the world. Within your boundary is that personal space where you feel safe and secure. In healthy relationships where neither person needs to assume, both partners have an understanding of fairness and the other person’s needs. They grant each other the right to have space and look out for small ways to create happiness for the other person.
Over the past few years I have discussed boundaries, your personal limits of what you will and won’t put up with, many times. Yet, almost every day I hear from women who even in reading or knowing about boundaries and knowing the importance of them are afraid to actually have them. When you have little or no boundaries, it means that you will put up with pretty much anything in the name of being “loved” and getting attention and validation.
However, actual love and a healthy, decent relationship never requires you to have no boundaries. Remember there is a thin line between being used and being loved.
When a man is interested in marrying you, you are in no doubt about their interest and they do not run the risk of losing you, they will put a ring on it. You have to stop acting like every guy could be the one and like there’s a fire when in actual fact there isn’t. I have a friend who always sees a potential husband in every man she dates and that for me spells a problem. As a woman you deserve better than someone’s half-hearted interest and there is no excuse for any man keeping you waiting around because every man knows that if he snoozes, he loses.
Plain and simple, if you are not on an equal footing in the relationship and one person is dictating the temperature and pace and deciding what does and does not happen, you are in an unhealthy relationship. You will know it’s only their terms when you try to initiate your own or balance things they will shut down, disappear, get confrontational or pretend to agree and then revert back to doing their own thing. I have heard that men fear commitment but I always see that as an excuse, I wish men could man up and when they ask a girl out make their intentions known by telling them I just want to have fun and nothing serious. Really, I wish they could do that and save us women the heart aches I would actually date a guy who says that because they are being honest and I know their intentions from the word go and so I do not have to ask them what their intentions are.
I believe sex is not currency and as a person you do not owe your partner anything. Just because your partner takes you out to dinner, buys you a gift or says “I love you” does not mean you owe them anything in response. It is not fair for your partner to claim that you do not care about them because you won’t “go all the way.” Even if you have done it before, you are never required to do it just because your partner is pressuring you.
In healthy relationships each person has their own thoughts and feelings and can take responsibility for their actions. So ask yourself, are you really getting what you want out of life in terms of living in fair and balanced relationships? If not, then please exit and find yourself something better to hold on to. You hold the key to happiness when you start taking responsibility for how you treat others and how you allow them to treat you. You and you alone can take the responsibility for healthy boundaries than send yourself on wishful fantasies and dangerous thinking. You will be as happy as you are able to know and set appropriate boundaries and listen to those appropriate boundaries expressed by others.
My wish for you as a girlfriend is that your boundaries in your relationships be healthy ones.
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