Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha-LOVE by DESIGN
Last week, we explored the impact of divorce on children — how the shattering of a family unit can leave emotional residue that follows one into adulthood.
This week, we continue that conversation by examining how upbringing, whether marked by warmth or emotional neglect, can shape our understanding of love itself. Because before we can love well, we must first understand what love truly is — and what it is not.
Many people enter relationships with good intentions. They recognise the need for companionship, connection, and intimacy.
Yet once they are in the relationship, some partners become emotionally distant, passive, or even cold. In such cases we might need to recognise there is more to it than meets the eye.
Sometimes it is not always because they do not care, but because they never learned how to show care.
Their blueprint for love was drawn in childhood, and for some, that blueprint was incomplete or distorted. Sometimes in meting ‘tough love’, parents should be careful not to go overboard and create emotionless uncaring children who grow up believing that showing love is a sign of weakness, or that the only way to earn respect or stamp authority, is by being cold and loveless. These childhood scripts tend to be the ‘silent teachers’ of our children.
Psychologist and author Dr Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, writes: “We learn about love in the arms of our caregivers.”
If those arms were absent, harsh, or inconsistent, we may grow up believing that love is conditional, unpredictable, or even dangerous.
Children raised in emotionally barren homes often internalise the idea that vulnerability leads to pain, not connection. If you are a parent or caregiver of children, what are you silently or glaringly teaching the children God has entrusted you with?
We have often discussed Dr Gary Chapman’s teaching in his book, “The Five Love Languages”, whose assertion is that people express and receive love in different ways—words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
But if someone grew up in a home where these expressions were rare or weaponised, they may struggle to recognise love when it is offered. Worse still, they may not know how to offer it themselves.
Some homes are not safe havens but battlegrounds of silence, criticism, or emotional absence and neglect. In such environments, children may learn to suppress their feelings, mistrust affection, or equate love with control. These survival strategies can follow them into adulthood, sabotaging their relationships in ways that we see around us every day.
Consider the partner who never compliments their spouse — not because they do not admire them, but because they were never taught that words matter. Or the one who avoids physical touch because it was never modelled as safe or nurturing. Or the person who believes that once they have said “I love you” in courtship or “I do” at the altar, their job is done. These are not always failures of character— but often echoes of upbringing.
The good news is we are not doomed by our past. While upbringing lays the foundation, it does not have to dictate the architecture of our love lives. Healing begins with awareness. When we recognise the patterns we inherited, we gain the power to rewrite them.
A Bible passage we often quote in this column offers a profound reminder about love, that the young and the old could learn and put into practice. In 1 Corinthians 13:4–7 it says:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud . . . It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
This passage is not just poetic — it is practical. It teaches us that love is active, intentional, and sacrificial. It is not a one-time declaration but a daily decision. To love someone means to show up consistently, to listen deeply, to affirm their worth, and to nurture their growth.
It also takes being willing to deal with challenges together and forgiving one another. It involves wanting the best for them, learning their emotional language, respecting their boundaries, and choosing them even when it is inconvenient. Love is not passive. It is not just being present — but being fully involved.
If you struggle to express love, start small. You can do something today. A kind word. A thoughtful gesture. A moment of undivided attention. Try it. You will see the difference in your relationships. These are not grand performances — they are seeds. And when planted consistently, they grow into trust, intimacy, and joy.
If you struggle to receive love, ask yourself: What did I learn about love growing up? What beliefs do I need to unlearn? Healing may require therapy, prayer, or honest conversations with your partner. But it is possible. You are not broken — you are becoming. At the end of the day, we are all a work in progress. Question is: do you see where you could improve and if so, how willing are you to make some positive changes?
Being a good lover is not about perfection — it is about intention. It is about choosing to love better than you were loved, which is a powerful way to change the narrative. It is about refusing to let old wounds define your future. Whether you were raised in a home of harmony or hardship, you have the power to build something new.
I have seen people transform their love lives — not by pretending their past did not happen, but by confronting it with courage and grace. You can be one of them. I would love to hear your thoughts, stories, or questions. Until next week, keep spreading love.
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