Tinaye Agere
Mertha Mo Nyamande
PARENTING and childhood influences shape the life of any individual.
In a way, this confirms that the most difficult stage in human development is the transition from childhood to adulthood.
The adolescence stage is where most difficulties start or are amplified.
In most cases, the nuances that are ignored in childhood become more pronounced.
Overall, this is a transitional period where an individual seeks to establish their personality and identity.
If one has had negative experiences in childhood, this is the time when they manifest themselves, leading to mental disorders or illness.
Taking up from the initial negative schemas the child got, this largely contributes to grievance thinking the adult adopts.
We become largely dependent on others to provide the critical aspects of our survival and if this is not met, we become angry.
The adult stage is largely about taking up responsibility and readjusting the scales of negotiation from parent to child and from adult to adult, regardless of how much older the other adult is.
This shift allows for more productive exchanges and stifles the debilitating “the older, the wiser” narrative.
This is mainly supported by the transaction analysis concept, which looks at all human exchanges as transactional.
Therefore, understanding the nature of the transaction provides for much better life outcomes. The challenge, especially within the African context, is that most people remain children despite being in their 50s or 60s, for as long as their parents are still alive.
This leads to even more struggles when the parents eventually pass away.
This accounts for the most dilemmas in African systems. Such losses are usually processed with difficulties. It is almost impossible for most adults to break out of those moulds shaped in their formative years without having to rebel or offend their parents.
The few that tend to break out of these moulds are those who did not have strong bonds or those with absent parents.
Their distress almost leads them to more destructive paths, trying to remedy the void left by the losses.
So, such conditioning remains unbroken from childhood and becomes mystified in the busyness of adulthood.
This then leads to despair in later adulthood stages, when the energy is gone, as well as the ability to correct the critical life issues.
It often leads to bitterness and regret for the endless and unfulfilled desires.
Regrets often see people struggle more in their later lives.
German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst Erik Erikson described the last stages of life as full of moments of satisfaction and regret, as people reflect back on their lives to get a sense of closure that can help them face the end of life without too much fear.
Essentially, death is only a reminder to those left behind to review life’s plans to ensure that when their time comes, they are not faced with regrets and any unfulfilled dreams.
Whatever your path is, are you content with where you are today should tomorrow not come?
Have courage to confront the difficult discussions and be flexible with any attachments should you have to let go.
Mertha Mo Nyamande is a psychotherapist. He can be contacted on: [email protected] or @ www.i-wellbeing.weebly.com
Online Reporter