adminFredrick Qaphelani Mabikwa
Worldwide, gender-based violence has always been perceived as a phenomenon of women being battered by men. This is true to a certain extent as shown by statistics.
The statistics are, however, a bit skewed because cases of men being battered by their wives and girlfriends go unreported and are usually not captured.
Chronicle of December 24, 2014 carried a bizarre story of a man who was brutally murdered by his live-in girlfriend in Matobo District. The woman split the boyfriend’s skull open with an axe. Last year again, a Dzivaresekwa woman in Harare scalded her husband with hot tea. These stories are a tip of the iceberg of what some men are going through in their marriages.
Society has been socialised to think that when we talk of domestic violence, we are talking of men battering women. It has, however, become so apparent from stories we read in the press that a lot of men are also victims of gender based violence. When the unusual occurs where women physically abuse men, the abuse is on the extreme side. Most men, like women, come out of gender based violence with serious injuries. Some are maimed for life while others are killed.
As I have already indicated, the statistics on gender based violence are skewed. Most of the reported cases are those of women who have been battered by their partners. Just like women, there are a number of reasons why men who are battered by their wives will try to hide it. A man will not appear at the police station with a blue eye to report that he has been beaten by his wife. The man thinks the police will wonder what kind of man gets battered by his wife. It is culturally embarrassing for a man to go public on issues of abuse by the wife or partner.
Going to the police or going public about abuse would lead the man to lose his worth, respect and dignity. So the man would prefer to suffer in silence than lose his dignity. He suffers until he is maimed or killed. On the other hand, the woman who batters her husband is a heroine in certain circles. She is doing what other women cannot do and will thereby brag about it. In some cases, it will actually boost her self esteem and make her the “macho-woman.” If she gets an audience that looks up to her as being a heroine and commend her for disciplining the husband, she will like the men, at times beat the husband for no good reason, but to boost her ego and remind him that she is in charge.
There are various reasons why men also get battered by their wives. Some men are not bread winners in their marriages, the wife is. Normally the man who has failed to be the bread winner in his home has a very low self-esteem. The low self esteem makes him very subservient to the wife. If by chance the wife is physically stronger than him, he is very vulnerable to physical abuse. No woman wants to look after a man and as a result, such a man is reminded now and again that he is not a “real man” through occasional beatings. Such a man is in a tight position because since he has failed to look after his family, he will not leave the abusive woman because he is also scared of losing the support.
If the wife goes to prison what happens to him and his children? Who will pay the rent, school fees and buy food? This is when we hear of these men who are seen doing household chores that are traditionally feminine. Some men do household chores to help their wives but there are scenarios where the man takes instructions from the wife to do the chores because the wife wields power over him by virtue of being the bread winner.
In Shona they say “ane mari ndiye mukuru” (He who has the money controls). So if the wife has the money she is in charge. The man is taken like one of the children and will be disciplined if they “misbehave”.
The man who is physically abused will not even tell his family for the same cultural reasons. People look down upon a man whose wife beats him. The community will mock him leading to the loss of his dignity. The man is also scared to report or tell other people close to him because once he does that, and the wife gets to know, this will anger her and the beatings might become more frequent and more severe.
Some men because of age will hang in there and face the abuse. The man looks at his age and thinks it’s too late for him to leave the marriage and start all over again. He looks at his children. What will they say if he leaves because he has been overpowered by their mother? Like the wife, he would also want to hang around and help his children grow. When parents fight, children normally side with the weaker parent. It is therefore common that most abused men have the support and comfort of their children and it is this support and comfort that keeps them around.
There are a lot of men out there who are living in small “hells” in their marriages. We have seen some of these men who are not even allowed to be out to socialise with other “boys”. They are literally domesticated and locked up in the house. The men are so scared of their wives so much that you wonder how they approached them in the first place to date them. The wife becomes a lion. You look at the man in public; he has lost confidence and is moving in the wife’s leash. The man’s self-esteem and person has been totally destroyed.
Men are therefore encouraged to go the legal way when they have failed to manage the abuse in their marriage. It’s better to be “embarrassed” than die in the abuse. The silence in the abuse caused by cultural reasons has led to many men being maimed or losing their lives in the domestic violence perpetrated by the wife or girlfriends.
Online Reporter