adminDr Mazvita Machinga
Couples who are having marital issues often do not take time to examine the impact of their relationship struggles on their children’s mental health.RECENTLY, I have been reading from local media and seeing in our communities an increase of families that are experiencing marital conflicts. Divorce rate is increasing day by day in our communities.
Divorce hurts, this is because you have placed all of your trust in this one person, and when that things fall apart it is like you lose a part of yourself too.
It all starts with problems in families as indicated in the statistics highlighted in The Herald of 21st of January , 2015 in an article titled “Marital Disputes Flood Courts” What did this article say about what is happening in families in Zimbabwe?
According to The Herald, the courts were last year flooded with cases involving marital disputes, with a combined 110 707 people finding themselves before the courts over maintenance, child custody, domestic violence, divorces or peace orders.
Statistics from the High Court show that the highest number of cases were those seeking maintenance where 79 731 people, both males and female, approached the cost.
Matters of the heart saw 18 795 couples dragging each other before the courts over domestic violence, 795 for divorce, 3 751 over custody of children and 7 635 couples in need of peace orders.
While all these negative experiences affect children , I will focus this week on the impact of divorce on children. Just imagine how many children from the 795 divorce cases reported in The Herald were affected, hundreds right!! And these are the children who may then grow up struggling emotionally, and psychologically.
Couples who are having marital issues often do not take time to examine the impact of their relationship struggles on their children’s mental health.
Children derive sound mental health, their internal sense of security and well-being from healthy family systems.
While parents may attempt to conceal intense conflict, children are usually quite conscious of it.
When the tension is not discussed and parents do not get professional help, the children tend to become more anxious, fearful , depressed, self-blame, defiant and sometimes suicidal too. What is sometimes scary is that the experience of divorce can also create problems that do not appear until the late teenage years or adulthood.
Going through a separation or divorce can be very difficult, no matter the reason for it.
It can turn each partner’s and the children’s world upside down and make it hard to get through life, work and stay productive.
The process of dissolving a marriage has severe psychological, spiritual, emotional, physical and social consequences .
It is important to note that divorce is not a single action taken on a day in court or by giving someone gupuro, it is complex process that takes place months and years before the actual action or open discussion of parting. In the process people’s emotions are hurt and damaged, mental health is impacted in negative ways.
As I turn my eyes to the lives of children whose parents are divorcing or have divorced, I feel for them, I empathise with them.
It’s long been known that children suffer when their parents divorce — and new empirical research has found the fallout to be surprisingly powerful, with effects ranging from poor performance in school to the onset of behaviour, conduct disorders and mental health challenges.
I agree with a child psychologist , Carl Pickhardt when he says divorce introduces a massive change into the life of a boy or girl no matter what the age.
Witnessing loss of love between parents, having parents break their marriage commitment, adjusting to going back and forth between two different households, and the daily absence of one parent while living with the other, all create a challenging new family circumstance in which to live.
In case of marital problems, families should seek help in time and not spent time hurting each other and the children.
Ken Neumann, a child psychologist, mentions that, “It’s the hostility and anger that so often puts kids in the middle — and young kids, in particular, blame themselves.
“Then they believe they’re bad and incorporate that belief into their lives, which leads to low self-esteem, doing poorly in school, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance and alcohol abuse to mention just a few.
“The trick, he notes, is to not ever put your kids in the middle, and to “never fight in front of the kids — not even over the phone,” Neumann further advises.
So what am I saying to parents , couples and families? I am saying in cases of marital problems or domestic violence , reporting to police, relatives or your pastor is important yes, but it is further important for couples and families to seek professional marital and couple counselling, if done well many children’s lives can be saved.
Also whenever children are found in this situation , they also need professional counselling to help them process the experiences.
So , never leave children out of getting help.
The break up of parents is painful for children but with time, care, psychotherapy, supportive spiritual resources, and self-care these children adjust well over time.
So join me in protecting our loving children from the negative impact of divorce. Help is available.
Dr. Mazvita Machinga Ph.D. is a trained and qualified Psychotherapist in Mutare who offers professional counseling and psychotherapy. For more information on couple and family counseling contact [email protected], or call 0771 754 519.
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