Sundaymail Editor
I am a 37-year-old lady and married to a husband I fail to understand at times. My husband and I started dating when we were in university and we both had wonderful ambitions that we shared. I told him I wanted to be a career woman and he seemed to love that idea. He is now 38 and a great businessman. We have two lovely daughters and a house to our name.
My problem Amai is that as soon as we got married, my husband shifted goalposts and said he did not want me to work because he is able to provide. He does provide and that gives him fulfilment. I can truly say I get most of the things that I need or ask for, but my self-esteem is destroyed.
I do not want to stay at home to be served like a queen. I want to go to work and sharpen my skills. I did not go to school for nothing. I feel underutilised and this is making me angry. My mood and attitude have been affected. I have tried to convince him, but he does not listen, instead he goes and buys me more uptown things.
I have two state-of-the-art cars but I would be happy to board a kombi and go to work if I had a choice. How do I win this battle?
Response
As you rightfully state, money cannot buy happiness. There seems to be miscommunication between you and your husband. He does not seem to understand that you truly gain happiness when you go to work and continuously develop your career despite the fact that you have many financial resources at your disposal.
Is he intimidated by the idea of you going to work or does he fear that you may become fully independent? Whatever his concerns are, give him the assurance he needs by vocalising why you want to go to work every day.
You may even rope in a counsellor to act as a mediator. Once he sees past the notion that money is the single most important factor in life he will come around.
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Hubby not putting family first
Amai, thank you for your Sunday Mail column. It is very helpful.
I spoke to my best friend before I wrote this letter and our sentiments are the same. We hear you speak about marriages a lot and we would like to be assisted as well.
These days some of our young husbands believe more in family and friends than in their spouses.
When they go for drinks they forget about us and the kids. They come back home at dawn.
When you ask, you are accused of trying to control them.
At times you get rude answers like “when I came home, I left other men still enjoying themselves”. These people are not sure of what they want with their families.
We try as much as possible to plan together but the moment they see family and friends everything changes.
They take advice even from people who are failing in life.
Amai, what should we do with such men who keep backtracking?
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in on behalf of all those in similar predicaments. I always advise people to put their families first. As the first point of contact and nucleus of the social structure, family tends to always have your best interests at heart. They say behind every successful man is a woman. I believe that and vice versa.
The problem with over-reliance on friends and external parties is that they tend to be only available when it suits them. Fair weather friends are easy to come by. It takes hard situations to realise who your true friends are.
As for the bad advice, why get married when you cannot make decisions together with your spouse?
I urge you to study your partner during the courtship phase.
If they tend to go wherever the herd goes without question perhaps the best suitor is an independent thinker. I urge people to use dialogue to try to stamp out some of these bad character traits like foul language and a lack of accountability for their actions.
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My mother-in-law is a pain
in the neck
I am aged 25 and my husband is 28. We are blessed with a two-year-old toddler. I get on very well with my hubby. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is a pain in the neck.
Her close relationship with my husband’s ex flame is creating some distance between us. My spouse sat her down and told her why this was not good for us. She told him that she is someone she got used to over the years and cannot just drop overnight.
She also accused my husband of dumping this woman and left her to cry on my mother-in-law’s shoulder. She still addresses her as muroora and her number is still saved in amai’s phone. Amai, please help. This is not going down well with me. What is she trying to prove?
Response
I always thought mothers were supposed to be the backbone of their families but your case has me shaking my head. Your mother-in-law is stirring the pot.
I am glad your husband was not afraid to tell her this. You are married and you gave birth to her grandkid, surely she has to see that this other woman is history now. She seems to be going out of her way to elicit a response. She will wear herself out.
If anything, be even nicer to her and continue to focus on your blissful marriage. At times, you need to have tunnel vision and block out negativity.
I would advise you and your husband to ignore this matter.
As for this old flame being referred to as muroora, does she not have a new love interest? If so, what she is doing with your mother counts as emotional cheating.
She risks being found out and being held accountable for all the nonsense she is playing a part in stirring.
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