Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I am a 37-year-old woman married to a man of the same age. We are blessed with two children and are both gainfully employed.
We are generally a happy couple, but his family tends to arm-twist him every now and again. My mother-in-law is currently staying with us; she came for a routine medical check-up.
She complained that the mattress in the guest room she is occupying is making her back ache because it is too soft. She then demanded that our bed be moved to the spare room for her.
When I informed my husband of this request, he said no. However, when he told his mother, he made it seem I was the one who had refused. She is now very angry and in a foul mood.
She called her eldest daughter, my sister-in-law, who lives in the same neighbourhood and complained to her. The whole issue has now been blown out of proportion. I know my husband made the correct decision by refusing, but I have not chipped in or said a word to anyone. Still, my sister-in-law is accusing me of ill-treating their mother.
Response
Hello and thanks for reaching out. I am glad you are a happy couple; keep the fire burning. Happiness in marriages is now becoming a rare thing. Your mother-in-law, despite her age, is behaving like a spoilt child. She has caused a lot of problems by failing to put her request across properly.
All she should have done was to request for a firm mattress and one could have been bought or sourced. It is unfortunate your husband betrayed you and you are being portrayed in a bad way.
I do not understand why your sister-in-law is kicking rocks instead of helping with the situation. Why can’t she buy a firm mattress for her mother?
In our culture, it is taboo for your mother-in-law to sleep on your bed unless it is a matter of life and death. Your husband owes you an apology. He must call and tell his family members the truth. I know you are upset, but please do not report this to your side of the family; if you follow this, you avoid escalating the matter.
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Am I a fool for love?
Makadii Amai? I was in a relationship with a woman for two years. I truly believed she was the love of my life. I never saw a suspicious message on her phone or suspected anything was wrong.
Amai, I was completely shocked when a man who lives in our neighbourhood paid lobola (bride price) for her. I am heartbroken and feel utterly let down.
She told me what had happened and suggested we remain friends. I agreed to this arrangement and we now chat when the guy is out of town on his travelling job.
Last week, we even had lunch together at a hideout. I want my girl back. What can I do?
Response
I am well and thanks for asking. I am sorry about what transpired. Simply put, you were betrayed. She made a big fool out of you and you continue to play the fool.
A married woman must not request to remain friends with an ex. What type of friendship is this?
What you are doing is morally and legally wrong. She is no longer your girl but someone’s wife. Move on. How can you fall for the same trick twice?
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My wife is abusive
Dear Amai, thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail. I follow it weekly and have learnt a lot from it. I am married and a father of two.
I am 29 and my wife is a year younger. My wife is very short-tempered. Every time we have a misunderstanding, she beats me up. I never fight back and she is now taking advantage of that. I do not retaliate because I respect her.
Last week, I went out with some friends for drinks and a braai. I did not drive my own car, but when I came home late, she had hidden my car keys and vowed not to give them back.
The two friends who drove me home were threatened and then she gave me a hard slap on the cheek right in front of them.
Now, my friends call me mbwende, and I have become the laughing stock of the group.
Last year, when we went to my rural home for Christmas, she picked a quarrel with my brother’s wife and ended up getting into a physical fight with her. I feel embarrassed. Please help.
Response
Dear big fan, thank you very much for supporting the column. I am pleased that you find relevance from the topics discussed, as well as picking up some life lessons.
Your letter made my reading very sad. You have kids; are you creating a conducive environment for their upbringing?
Fighting will never solve anything. If anything, it takes away from the stability of a relationship. I think your wife desperately needs help to manage her anger. You are not a coward but a peacemaker.
Immediately go for professional counselling. Learn to resolve conflict through dialogue. Let your wife know that her violent response to matters, if left unchecked, may leave her in a very dark corner.
Everyone has a breaking point. Undesirable traits have no place in a functional family or relationship.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Bongani Ndlovu