malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 36-year-old woman and I have a great husband aged 37. We are both gainfully employed. My in-laws asked to have our two kids visit them during this school holiday.
We had no problem with such an arrangement because it is not the first time for them to visit their rural home. What is bothering us is what my mother-in-law said after we agreed to this arrangement.
She sent an audio message on my phone saying what I thought was distasteful. She candidly asked me to make sure I sent groceries that would last the whole holiday, otherwise she would send the kids back whenever the provisions were finished.
This did not go down well with us because we are the ones who look after the rural folk all the time. My husband’s divorced sister and her two teenage children also stay at home and they all benefit from us. It is not as if our children will use these provisions alone. She is not making any sense at all.
My husband has other siblings, but they do not feel compelled to make sure the people at home are catered for. We have decided that our kids will not go and we are not sending anything this time around. Amai, what is your opinion?
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. First and foremost, let me commend you for looking after the people who reside at the rural home. You are a good team. Well done. I understand your disgruntlement; your mother-in-law is biting the very hand that feeds her. That message was very inconsiderate.
I think you need to map a new way forward. However, you must note that you cannot run away from your family. It is something that one cannot change. I am not saying you sweep your concerns under the carpet entirely.
You still need to have a candid talk about what she said as a family. I suggest you send provisions home as usual, but stop sending the kids until you have spoken.
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Is my wife picking sides?
I am a 28-year-old man and married to a woman aged 30. We are blessed with a two-year-old son. We have been married for three years and we are both gainfully employed. We have been unlucky when it comes to finding helpers.
Our parents reside in the same town as us. Each time a helper walks out on us, my wife takes the child to her parent’s home. I do not mind this arrangement, but what concerns me is that my mother-in-law is employed and is not home around the clock.
My spouse would rather leave the child with her parent’s househelp than with my mother, who does not go to work at all. I once asked her and she said she found it easier to give instructions to the househelp than to her mother-in-law. What instruction is she talking about here? My mother is very concerned about this and I do not have an answer for her. Amai, how do I solve this issue?
Response
Thank you very much for reaching out to me. As much as I understand how easy it is for your wife to deal with her mother’s househelp, compared to your mother, there is still something amiss. The fact of the matter is each child has two sides.
These are the maternal and paternal sides. In my view, preferring a helper to granny makes it seem she does not trust your mother. Hard as it may be, this should definitely be made right.
Your wife should balance her act and alternate baby-sitting schedules. She may be doing this innocently but this may have serious ripple effects and cause unnecessary problems within the family. I wish you all the best.
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Colleagues taking advantage of me
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am married with three kids. My problem may appear very small, but it is eating me up. I am a civil servant and I share an office with two other people. We each have an independent locker to keep our provisions. In our office, I am the only person who buys teabags, sugar, milk and bread.
I do this because I love my tea, but it seems my colleagues feel entitled to take my food whenever they feel like. They even make tea for their friends when they come to our office. I am tired of this and I am no longer happy in this environment. I am not a donor. How do I break away from this misery?
Response
I am very well and thanks for inquiring. You sound very unhappy. Your colleagues are treating you unfairly, as you have rightly stated. Why are they so entitled to your food? Surely, there is no need for all this. I will suggest two very easy options for you. The first is to communicate with them and propose to contribute equally towards your office tea requirements.
If they do not comply, keep your provisions locked away in your locker and only use them when you want to prepare your tea. Be of good cheer; it is an easy fix. Keep enjoying your tea.
Feedback: beckychisamba@ gmail.com; 0771415474.
Online Reporter