My brother-in-law is big-headed

Thank you very much for your column, I follow it religiously. I have had this problem ever since I married my wife five years ago.

My wife’s younger sister got married first after she had not done so well in school. My wife was at university so in terms of tuzvirango rango mainini and husband were always available to feel in that gap.

To cut a long story short, by the time I married my wife babamudiki/ mukuwashan’ina had become so spoiled and big-headed, vaakutozviita semukuwasha mukuru. To begin with I didn’t mind but it’s beginning to get into my nerves gradually. It’s not like we are for the services dzekwatezvara but babamudiki vane mawara asingaite and it seems he gets the support from my sister-in-law.

My reason for writing to you Mai Chisamba is how do we slow down babamudiki and make him realise that kuganhira kwovoita handiko? These days if we tell them that the in-laws said A, B and C he says they know our contact details they will get in touch with us. Ndizvozvo here izvi? Pamwe chikoro chishoma. Hameno.

Response

Thank you for writing in and for following my column. As far as I am concerned there is no problem, all that has to be done is to remind babamudiki where your relationship is pegged.

Culturally if he is married to your wife’s younger sister, automatically ndiye mudiki even if he is older than you. You should try and perfect your game otherwise very soon it will affect your wives and before you know it your children.

You need each other, life is very short. You are putting your wives on a spotlight, what do you think they will say to this?

Do not go in circles or gossip about this, tauriranayi feya feya, kuti kana zviri zvirango zvinobva nekwamaiguru but haisi mhosva zvikauya nekuvadiki chero muchigamuchidzana.

This is life, some urgent things may happen while you are away, basa ngarifambiswe; it’s not a big deal. If you work together as a team yevakwasha you will enjoy it and it will make your tasks simple. I cannot comment about chikoro chishoma, you did not give me details on their qualifications.

Chikoro chakanakisa muhupenyu asi zvakakosha ndizvo zvakanaka zvinoitwa nemunhu akadzidza kwete zvakanyorwa pa certificate, one’s character is more important than mere academic qualifications. Remember you are not in competition; you each have your own wife and family. You and your brother-in-law should just make up; this is a very small issue.

Kuna babamudiki I say, please pfavirai ngoma husiku hurefu, and to you my last words are encourage mainini and husband to carry on with school instead of looking down upon them.

Mudzimai wangu anongoteedza nhamo

MAI CHISAMBA, I hope I find you well. Mine has proved to be quite a problem to the family. I don’t know how you are going to take it, but I feel it’s something that I need to share with you.

I am a 50-year-old man and my wife is 49. We have three children, all boys and in their teens.

I don’t know whether my wife akupenga here or she just has too much time on her hands. Havabve panhamo whether dzekuchurch, dzenharaunda or dzehukama. She will go out of her way just to attend a funeral. If we do not have money she will either borrow or catch a lift with other mourners.

She hardly spends a fortnight at home.

Our church has a very big congregation but vaakutozivikanwa kuti kana kumamisha ndivo vanotoperekedza vanhu. Some of my family members said asi mukadzi wako muroyi here kana kuti anokara kudya?

Surely this did not go down well with me. I may not be very rich but I provide for my family. Izvi zvehuroyi I don’t know, but this got me really upset. We hardly have any quality family time now.

I tried to talk to her, akandichenamira, then I just kept quiet. To be honest I am not amused by all this nonsense. I am just fed up.

Should I set her free so that anyatsofamba munhamo or talk to my in-laws about this? If it is about the church I can even stop going there.

Response

I am very well, thank you for asking and thank you for writing in. Maiwee zvangu, what a letter! It seems you and your wife are extremists. I agree your wife has too much time on her hands.

It’s a good gesture kuchema nevanochema but for someone to be always away from home I think it’s a bit too much. Instead of attending most of these funerals she can assist in cash or kind depending on the situation.

From your ages I can safely say you are a mature couple and you should take advantage of discussing amicably. Please when you get upset don’t forget about your children, your marriage vows and how much you have invested in your marriage.

I think what some of your family members are saying about your wife is really mean and you should not allow that. In Zimbabwe it’s a crime to call someone a witch or even to imply as in this case.

About kudya I don’t understand because munhamo kazhinji hamuwanike nguva yekubika zvakanaka pamusana pekuwanda kwevanhu. I don’t think it’s a good idea to involve your in-laws in this issue because you will make a big storm in a tea cup.

Remember, your wife is already being called nasty names by some members of your family. This may not go down well with her parents.

I suggest you seek professional advice; the advantage is they are trained and they don’t take sides.

Last but not least, I don’t think you know why you go to church: it’s not about your wife, it’s about your relationship with God.

Kuchurch kwakasiyana nekubhora kunoperekedzanwa, kunamata idungamunhu. Fifty and forty-nine, surely you can sort out this amicably. All the best.

***

A neighbour from hell!

Thank you, Mai Chisamba, for helping us solve our day-to-day problems. Mine is self inflicted and I will regret this for as long as I drive my car to work.

I stay in Budiriro, Harare. One day it was raining cats and dogs and I stopped to offer my neighbour a lift, little did I know kuti ndazvitangira basa rakaoma.

The following day he actually waited for me by my gate and I picked him up. To be honest my wife was not amused, but I ignored her. Believe it or not this guy now thinks it’s his right to be ferried to work everyday for free.

The reason why I have written to you is that he now comes with two of his lodgers for free transport.

My wife has given me an ultimatum kuti I should tell these guys in two weeks kuti they should pay for fuel or go back to mushikashika.

I remember you once advised someone through your column kuti musadya huroyi nekunyara, this is exactly what I did and it’s regrettable. I meant to just assist on that one rainy day, but now look.

I feel bad for inconveniencing my wife and children, we used to enjoy these rides because we could talk and laugh on the way.

I miss that as well. My neighbour takes a lot for granted, ko kuzotouyawo nema lodgers ake maviri?

Naturally I am a peace-loving person and I believe kuti muvakidzani ihama, that’s why I am looking for a diplomatic way to correct this. My wife ndi Chihera and vakazopindira nyaya yacho haizogadzirika nyore.

I hope you will pick my letter; a fortnight is a very short time. Please help, I just want to get over it.

Response

Thank you so much for reading my column. I laughed my lungs out, your problem is very interesting.

Matambura nekuti mune mota, shouldn’t it be the other way round? I don’t understand why and how? Who does that?

You pay for fuel and general maintenance of the car, even school kids pay when they board their school bus.

Hapana chemahara kani, man’a nemushana ndizvo zvemahara. Telling them to pay is very normal, there is nothing untoward about this; in fact, it’s the order of the day.

Everyone has a budget, I just wonder what theirs is now when it comes to transport, saka vave kuisa zero pabudget dzavo here?

Aiwa uku ndiko kunonzi kungwarira paguyo sehuku. I agree, your neighbour erred when he brought his lodgers without talking to you first, this just shows disrespect. Your car is your private property, haisiriyo muvakidzani wavo.

For interest’s sake even if they were paying they would still have to make the arrangement with you in advance.

My advice, as usual, musadye huroyi nekunyara, I will repeat this over and over again until our people get it right. Zvinhu zvose zvinoitirwa kunyara nguva zhinji zvinopedzesera zvodzamira kana kunetsa vanhu. Zvakangonaka kutarisana nechokwadi.

Please talk to your neighbour, be honest and tell him that the going is hard for most people and it’s an obligation for one to pay for transport. They should also appreciate that travelling by car is different from ku kombi.

Tell them not to wait by your gate every day, munovatakura pamunokwanisa, days when you have enough space in the car, or simply tell them you can’t continue with this arrangement anymore.

Cash talk breaks no friendship.

Udzai Vachihera kuti ngaisiye matambo, baba will sort this out. You need not explain any further, this will be enough, maybe muvakidzani ndiye achaudza vamwe vake kuti why. It will be interesting to hear from you again, yes I picked your letter, I had no choice, ndatyawo Vachihera avo (lol).

All the best.

 

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