adminDear Coleen
I’ve been with my girlfriend for four years and I love her very much.
Since we first started dating, she was honest with me about this male friend of hers she said he’d been there for her through everything and that they were close friends. I didn’t mind at all , I’m not the type to be unreasonable or jealous.
However, I recently found out that they were sleeping together before we met each other, so now I feel differently about him and their close friendship.
Whenever I text and call her she’s always with this friend and now I feel really insecure. We even had an argument recently about him being at hers all the time (she lives on her own) and all she said was, “The day you start paying my bills is the day you can have a say in who comes into my place and who doesn’t.”
What’s even more annoying is that she objects to me having female friends. I have spoken to her about how I feel and she assures me she has no intention of sleeping with her friend again, but I really don’t believe her!
And I don’t feel the same around her anymore because of him. I don’t want to feel like this, but I’m not sure what to do.
Coleen says
Honestly, I think your girlfriend is being really selfish. The bottom line is, if you’re in a relationship with someone you love and they don’t like you having a close relationship with your ex, then you ought to take their feelings into account. If you don’t, then you don’t deserve their love.
Basically, what your girlfriend is saying to you is, ‘Play by my rules or don’t play at all. This is how it is, like it or lump it, mate’.
Ultimately, she doesn’t care what you think. She has rules for herself and different ones for you.
And even if this friendship with her ex is all above board, the fact remains she has a total disregard for your feelings.
I don’t think she cares about you as much as you’re hoping and as much as you care about her. And if she can’t see that she’s being unfair and unreasonable by refusing to take your opinions and feelings into consideration, then she’s not the one for you.
Dear Coleen
My ex-boyfriend is nine years older than me and of a different religious and cultural background. I kept our relationship a secret when we were together, but when we broke up I came clean to friends and family. No one was happy.
I really miss him and think I might love him, but I know if I go back to him I will have no support from my family. He also has a child with his ex-partner, which complicates things. Do I follow my head and steer clear in line with family wishes or follow my heart and maybe be happy long term?
Coleen says
You haven’t said why you split up or whether he would want to get back together with you. I think you have to ask yourself if anything that made you split up has changed or are you just missing him – which is natural.
If nothing has changed, then all the things that bugged you before will still bug you. So you have to look at reasons why he’s an ex.
As far as your family not approving goes, we all want our family to like who we choose as a life partner, but that’s not always the case. Only you can decide whether love is enough and if you’re happy to accept that your family isn’t supportive. Hopefully, in time that would change.
If you did get back together with your ex, though, you can’t use your family as a weapon every time you argue and make him feel bad for your family disowning you, for example. I’m not saying it can’t work, but if you’re going to do it, do it slowly and talk about how you could navigate the challenges – his ex and his child, as well as your family situation.
Dear Coleen
A couple of months ago a friendship with a Spanish nurse at work came to an end. For a few months before that, we enjoyed each other’s company.
We would meet in pubs and chat for three or four hours at a time. She said she enjoyed my company and I enjoyed hers.
She invited me to dinner and then she asked if I would like to go to Spain with her for a month. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to go and she went alone.
Then when she came back from Spain she made it clear she was rejecting me. I miss her so much – her accent, her beautiful smile and her company.
I email her but get no reply. Should I send her flowers? I am tempted to write a letter explaining how I feel. What do you think I should do?
Coleen says
Honestly, I think her lack of response suggests it’s over for her and if she’s not responding to your emails, I doubt she’ll answer a letter.
It’s frustrating, but maybe she just had time to think when she was away in Spain and decided she didn’t want to move things to the next stage.
It’s cowardly of her not to explain why she’s changed her attitude. Maybe she can’t face it because she knows you’ll be hurt, so she’s just ignoring you.
However, at least she’s not leading you on when she has no intention of taking it further.
I think if you send more flowers and a letter and get nothing back, it’s just going to feel like a dagger in your heart.
The longer you cling on to the fantasy of this woman, the harder it’ll be to move on—Online
Online Reporter