malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 44-year-old married man. My wife is 41. We have a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law, a situation I consider a blessing. My wife has had a best friend (sahwira) over the years. I commend her for that.
However, my problem with their friendship stems from the fact that my wife divulges a lot of information about us to her. She even shares details about our most intimate moments with this friend in the presence of her extended family members.
Our illnesses, disagreements, successes, failures and everything else are in the public domain. I feel exposed. What is also worrying is that this friend, at times, mocks me using information she gets from my wife.
I feel annoyed and do not know how to respond because most of the stuff she says is true, having come from the horse’s mouth. I no longer trust my wife because I do not know how many other people were told about our lives. I feel distant and our love life has been greatly affected. Amai, please, help. How do I stop this nonsense?
Response
Hello writer, and thank you very much for writing in. Your wife is off track. As your spouse, she should know that it is not permissible to disclose to others what happens between the two of you. I believe this has affected you a lot because of lack of communication in your relationship. Tell her why you want her to exercise restraint when it comes to speaking to people outside your marriage.
I suggest you seek professional counselling because she needs to know the extent of the damage she has caused. After you have gone through your sessions, you can also sit down with the sahwira and tell her to behave like a grown-up and respect other people’s secrets. Tell her what she considers jokes are in very bad taste, and you do not like that at all. I will be happy to hear from you again.
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I am ready to walk out
Dear Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column. I am a 36-year-old woman and married to a man of the same age. We are blessed with two kids.
My husband is the last-born in a family of five. His two brothers and two sisters are all married. We stay at the family homestead and it is like living in hell. Amai, I do not know who to listen to. Everyone has a say on the house and how the parents should be looked after. I am gainfully employed and so is my husband.
My mother-in-law is also quite a handful. I am having challenges in keeping the maids happy. Some do not want to be pushed around, so they leave prematurely. It is not good for my young kids to adjust and adapt to a new helper every now and then.
We spend a lot of money on groceries because people frequently visit my in-laws and need to be given some food. I spoke to my husband privately on the need to look for our own place. He consulted his elder brother, who said no to that.
The reasoning is that we do not pay rent. However, in reality, we pay more in provisions. Amai, I cannot carry on like this. I feel like walking out of this marriage.
Response
Hello writer. Your letter made my reading very sad. I understand what you mean when you compare your home to hell. It appears there are too many chiefs and not enough Indians.
I do not understand why the elder siblings feel entitled to tell you how to run the home or look after the parents when they do not reside there.
They can advise here and there but not to the extent of making you feel uncomfortable. It seems your stay at the family home is now compromising your marriage and happiness.
You are a couple and must make your own decisions. I think you need to have a candid talk with your husband first and tell him why it is important to have your own place. You can continue to help the parents from wherever you are, like what the other siblings are doing. It is not going to be easy but has to be done, especially if it threatens your union.
You can go to tete or sekuru, who can help you call for a family meeting so that you can discuss this issue amicably. As a family, you can put in place an arrangement on how the in-laws will be assisted in terms of provisions, and even getting them a helper. Walking out on your marriage should never be a readily available option.
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Fiancé has me on edge
I am a man aged 28 and set to pay lobola for my fiancé in October. We have been going out for the past 18 months and I have observed a few things that are not going down well with me.
I love this girl with all my heart, but I am beginning to develop cold feet.
She told me that a certain guy in their neighbourhood is a distant cousin of hers, but I discovered, through one of her friends, that she dated that guy in the past, and now they claim to be mere friends.
She always compares us to some of her friends and their lovers, who spoil each other with gifts and visit fancy places. I have been telling her that I am saving for lobola, then afterwards, we can do whatever we want. The moment I say that, she takes offence and threatens to go with her friends on these outings without me. My family members are concerned about my findings. Please, help.
Response
I am glad you are doing your research before you commit yourself to the relationship. In most cases, the things you see during courtship are just a tip of the iceberg.
Most lovers tend to hide their negative character. The two examples you gave are indeed big red flags. How can someone lie to her future husband about a distant cousin who lives in the same neighbourhood?
It is common knowledge that in a few months, this guy will be your relative, too, after you get married. She is being very short-sighted and not thinking this through.
Comparing you with other couples when she knows pretty well what you are saving for makes her a foolish wife-to-be.
I strongly suggest you go for premarital counselling so that you both know what marriage stands for. It is a lifetime commitment. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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