Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
COURAGEOUS communication, self-advocacy and realistic expectations are key elements in navigating personal relationships. Most people often misunderstand these principles or struggle to apply them in their daily lives, leading to strained relationships with others. This week, we have a set of letters that address some of these aspects.
*****
I am a married woman and a mother of two. My husband and I get along well. We have had the same neighbours for the past decade and they are quite a decent family. Our children are friends and attend the same school.
At the beginning of this term, their only car broke down. I offered to help them out by taking their child to and from school while they fixed their vehicle. Now, I think I have had enough. I cannot carry on like this. Sometimes, I feel like taking my child out for ice cream or a takeaway, but I cannot do that with the neighbour’s child in our company. I do not know what their problem is, but I do not think they are making their car’s repair a priority.
What is happening is very convenient for them, I suppose. My husband suggested that we just forget about their child and only take ours to school. Amai, what do you think about my hubby’s idea? I am almost persuaded.
*****
Response
This is a difficult situation you find yourself in, but I believe you did and are continuing to do the right thing by assisting. I have no qualms with you helping to take this child to school; I am sure you are making their commute easier. If you wish to spend more private time with your child, simply do that.
You could ask your child to minimise the time they spend with their friend, though this might affect their friendship. Alternatively, you can simply tell your child in advance when you intend to have family time after school, without the friend.
Your neighbour, however, must exercise better caution. When you travel a lot with their child, they become your responsibility. If the child were to sustain any injuries or, for instance, get food poisoning, the blame would fall on you. I think you must summon the courage to tell your neighbours this.
However, I foresee a major backlash. Your child may lose a friend and a travel companion for school trips. It takes courage to call a spade a spade and it will take even greater courage in this situation.
But do it while you still can. I am baffled that they do not even contribute towards fuel, especially in these trying economic times. I wish you all the best.
*****
My wife spends too much time at her parents’ house
I am a 36-year-old guy, married to a 34-year-old lady, and we are blessed with twin daughters. The house we are renting is just a few blocks away from my in-laws and this proximity is straining our marriage. I am gainfully employed and my wife sells cosmetics, using one of our bedrooms as a boutique.
We have a maid and a gardener, and it seems my in-laws access these employees whenever they want for free. I know this means double work for them and I have told my wife about it, but she is not bothered at all. The most painful part is that my wife spends more than half her time at her parents’ house.
She is indirectly living there and it breaks my heart. She is like someone who owns two homes. We have no quality time and our kids are always there too.
I used to follow them just to spend time with my children but now I am fed up with everything. The situation has become so toxic. Please help, how do I resolve this?
Response
I am sorry that this situation has gotten so out of control. If truth be told, you have been very understanding and now it is time to lay down the law. Inform your wife of how this is affecting you and your employees. Ask her to strike a balance between visiting her in-laws and spending quality time with you and the kids at home.
You may also consider moving to a location that is a healthy distance away from your in-laws. A healthy bit of space is never a bad thing. I do not think your spouse does this intentionally; it is up to you to make her see things from your perspective.
I do not think it is necessary to involve another party yet. Assess her reaction when you inform her of the toll this is taking on your own family dynamics. Her mindset, as well as her desire to change the current course of action, will guide your next steps. I wish you all the best.
*****
Boyfriend scared of settling down
The man I am currently dating has been in my life for the past 10 years. Everyone blames me for this long courtship, but I feel stuck and do not know what to do. We always talk about marriage and my observation is that I am the one who brings it up every time. He says he wants to save for lobola first.
Amai, I have seen him buy a two-bedroom apartment, a car and a lot of household appliances. My million-dollar question is: Why is marriage not a priority to him? He is a steady person.
Over the years, I have never come across anything to suggest he is cheating on me; I trust and love him very much. But when will he commit? Does he even love me? Please help. Do you think anything will come of this? Our relatives from both sides, especially the tetes, are tired and have decided to stand aloof.
Response
I have read your letter and the situation seems clear as day. This man is not ready for marriage and it appears he does not want to be rushed, even though he is financially capable.
When you are in a relationship, both partners need to desire the same outcomes. Ten years is a very long time to simply be dating. The fact that you are always the one bringing up marriage clearly shows that you are the only one pushing for this commitment.
The only real path to relief and resolution for you may be to tell your boyfriend that you want to end the relationship. Explain that you yearn for something more — a commitment he is clearly not able or willing to give you. It is truly never too late to step out of a situation that is not fulfilling you and to look for what you truly desire in life.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Bongani Ndlovu
Online Reporter