Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope this letter finds you well. I am aged 31 and my wife is 28. We have been married for two years and are blessed with a beautiful daughter. We are both gainfully employed. I love my wife dearly. However, she is naturally untidy and the situation has worsened since the arrival of our child. Her cooking is not very good, so we rely heavily on our house help to prepare proper meals and assist in keeping the baby presentable.
The house help, who is 25, works very hard and handles pressure well. When we have visitors, I sometimes pay her extra to stay beyond her usual hours. My wife is overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood and housework. Last week, I asked the house help to assist her with cooking and general home care. Although I meant well, my wife did not take it well. She is furious and believes I discussed her shortcomings with the house help. How can I reassure her that I meant no harm?
Response
I am very well, thank you for reaching out. Your marriage is still young and you are both learning about each other. You meant well when you asked the househelp to assist, but I must be honest — you made a serious mistake in how you handled it. You should never discuss your wife’s weaknesses with the helper as it belittles her. Instead, you ought to have spoken to your wife first about your concerns.
There are reputable places where she can attend courses on weekends or holidays to improve skills such as cooking. Remember, it takes two to build a home. Do you help with the baby or any chores when she feels overwhelmed? I am not suggesting you take over completely, but if she sees the effort you put in and the standard you set, she may appreciate your support more. Lastly, you owe her an apology. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Do I have a smoking gun?
Thank you for your column in The Sunday Mail, which I follow weekly. I am a 46-year-old married woman and my husband is of the same age. We have two daughters aged 14 and 16. We run a business together and support each other when the workplace becomes busy.
I regularly check my daughters’ bedrooms for anything out of place without telling them. A few weeks ago, I found a very expensive phone and some stylish trinkets hidden in my eldest daughter’s cupboard.
I was upset, but I could not reveal that I search their rooms, nor could I discuss it with my husband without concrete information, as he is short-tempered. Please advise me on the best way forward.
Response
Dear big fan, thank you for your letter and for supporting this column. I encourage every parent to spend quality time with their children and partners, as it makes situations like this easier to handle. There is nothing wrong with checking your children’s rooms, but this should be openly discussed. As a mother, you do not need to sneak in; you have every right to ensure cleanliness and to know what they keep or watch in your absence. Your daughters are still minors and need guidance.
You are upset by what you found, yet you feel unable to talk to your husband. This is concerning and it shows the need to strengthen relationships within your family.
Professional counselling could help both of you as a couple.
Regarding what you discovered, it is an urgent matter because you do not know who your daughter may be involved with or how she obtained that gadget.
Speak to your husband first, then decide together on the next steps. However, make sure you speak directly with your daughter.
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Between a rock and
a hard place
I am a 24-year-old single man, employed and still living with my parents. In our neighbourhood, my parents are close friends with another couple, and this has been the case since my childhood.
They have a 22-year-old daughter and we have always been mere friends. The problem is that both sets of parents are now pushing us to be romantically involved.
The girl seems convinced and is imposing herself on me, but I am not interested.
When the girl I am dating visits, everyone — including my siblings — ignores her.
Our parents are even setting traps, but I keep avoiding them. My real girlfriend is becoming discouraged by their behaviour.
What should I do? I do not want to lose her.
Response
Greetings, dear writer. Your parents and their friends are trying to pressure you into a relationship. Be very careful — if you are not in love, do not allow yourself to be trapped. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and true happiness stems from genuine love.
You are an adult and I encourage you to speak openly with your parents about how you feel. Tell them whom you truly love and make it clear that you do not want to be pressured.
Be honest with the other girl as well and let her know that you have no intention of pursuing a relationship because your heart is already committed elsewhere.
Avoid being alone with her as much as possible.
The sooner she understands that you are devoted to someone else, the better. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
