adminMY niece’s birthday party was proceeding well until the pastor bade us farewell and left. In the blink of any eye, my sister Edith transformed from a charming, all smiles hostess to a hard-nosed businessperson on a cost cutting crusade. Standing at the veranda, feet apart and arms folded on her chest, she surveyed the activities on the yard with the eye of an eagle.
Laughter, delightful yells and music filled the warm afternoon air. Children darted from table to table while relaxed adults sat around tables and joked with one another. From a table near the veranda, I sipped my drink. Occasionally, I took roasted peanuts from a china side plate and popped them into my mouth.
The eagle swooped down from the veranda and landed by my side.
“Drink up brother,” Edith commanded. “I am withdrawing my special glasses and cutlery.”
“But child of my mother, the party has just started. Why . . .”
“The Man of God is no longer here. No need to risk my expensive tableware on just you lot. You will drink directly from bottles or tumblers and eat from plastic plates. As the Bible says, ‘never use your best cutlery on nonentities who can’t appreciate the fine things in life. Save the best for important guests’.”
I shrugged. Who am I to argue against the Bible? Besides, my sources of pleasure in life are football, food and music. I therefore did not mind doing away with fancy tableware.
Delightful music was still in the air. Later, the guys and I were going to watch live football on television. Most important, over there near a jacaranda tree, braaing fire was almost ready. Earlier I had spotted juicy braaing steak in the kitchen — the kind that would grace a television advert. Isitshwala with braai meat is my favourite meal. With or without Edith’s special tableware, the party was still the best place to spend the afternoon.
My sister spun round from me and marched towards the braai stand. “Put out the fire,” she ordered. “We are doing away with the braai.”
My drink rushed out of both nostrils as I jumped from the chair and trotted after her. “Why take away the braai? That’s what we are all looking forward to.”
“Then wait no more for the braai. But no need to be alarmed brother. There is still an abundance of food. We have plenty of your beloved isitshwala. Accompanying it are ezangaphakathi — ulusu, amathumbu, amaphaphu — all the insides of a cow are here.”
“Sister, when your mouth is sharpened for a braai, nothing else will do.”
“When the referee blows his whistle for a goal, that’s it. I am the referee and there is no going back.”
“Don’t forget I slept in the womb that you too slept in. Suckled the breast you suckled from. Yet today this mafikizolo calling himself a Man of God is now more important than me. We are all children of God! No sister. I will not be denied what is rightfully mine!”
“No pastor, no braai!” Edith roared as she sprinkled water on the red hot embers.
Under my breath, I cursed Edith in all the languages I know.
Perhaps I was too hard on my mother’s child. The ranking of visitors by the amount of time needed to prepare for their visit is a universal practice. A recent research project by the Zim Social Science Agency on how women rank the amount of preparation needed for various guests has interesting results.
Pastors require the highest amount of preparation. It is believed that pastors can tell how close you are to Christ by your housekeeping, your cooking and by the way you go about the tasks of being a hostess. Thus before pastors’ visits, floors are scrubbed, carpets shampooed, walls and windows cleaned, wall pictures dusted, air fresheners sprayed and toilet cleaners placed in cisterns. The best utensils and cutlery are dragged out of the cupboard. In one visit, hostesses are known to flash more smiles than they do in an entire month.
The second ranked visitors are the in-laws. Parent-in-laws are not necessarily the most prepared for. The hostess selects a relative known for her fussiness and fault finding eye (it is usually a she). All stops are pulled out to ensure that this visitor leaves with a good impression. Such visitors are known to be loud mouths. Impress them and half the battle of silencing noisy relatives is won.
Fellow church members and colleagues form the third group. One advantage with this lot is that they are level with the hostess. There will be times when the hostess is their guest and she too will be assessing their performances as hostesses. Thus neither side judges the other harshly.
Friends require the least amount of preparation. One just needs to be herself and that is good enough.
As for me, my niece’s party has made me see the light. If I am to continue my love affair with braai meat and isitshwala, a career change is needed. Tomorrow, I start Bible lessons. The calling to pastorhood is suddenly as powerful as the aroma of braaing steak.
[email protected] <mailto:[email protected]>; WhatsApp: 0772238465
Online Reporter