Of funerals and family secrets – part 2

Andile Tshuma

ONE of the most painful things must be not knowing your father, or his family. Some children were scarred for life and are broken adults from not knowing their fathers. Some maternal families were very good at trying to fill the gap, while in some families, fatherless children are made to feel that they do not belong.

Last week, we went on about how widows were such strong women and how funerals could prove to be the most difficult times, with the other children dropping from the sky and all.

A number of responses during the week from readers revealed that some women were not all innocent and put a lot of children in trouble.

Well, this is today’s scenario. Imagine being your family’s dirty little secret.

Many people are raised by their maternal side of the family and never get to know who their fathers were, let alone get to know a single member of their paternal side, even the surname.

Sometimes women choose to hide the paternity meaning well, knowing that the father of the child may have never wanted anything to do with his child, or may actually have wanted the pregnancy to be terminated.

Some women hide paternity of the child if the pregnancy was a result of some acts of infidelity which must be concealed.

In some cases there may have been an incestuous relationship and to avoid the shame that can be brought to a family, the issue of paternity is swept under the carpet.

Some pregnancies are a result of rape and other forms of abuse, and women may hide this from their children so as not to hurt them. I can imagine the feeling of someone who knows that they were a result of a rape incident.

Sometimes, some children are results of unplanned pregnancies, a one-night-stand gone wrong. After having one too many, a young woman decides to hook up with a guy met at a drinking joint, no protection is used and that one-night-stand situation results in a bouncing baby boy.

But there was no exchange of contacts and chances of meeting the person again are slim.

Some women earn a living through sex work and may deal with more than one client a day or in a week, and it can so happen that something goes wrong within the ovulation week, contraceptives disappoint and there is conception. Someone decided to keep the child knowing well that guessing who the father is among all the clients is a hell of a maze.

Some children were conceived during the war times, and during the early 80s disturbances. It is known that some children who do not know their fathers may be children of some soldiers. But that’s a story for another day.

Imagine growing up at your maternal grandparents’ place being called by your mother’s surname. As a child it really does not matter but somehow as you grow older you realise that people take pride in reciting their lineage and you only know your mother’s family totems. You hear nothing of your father and questions about your paternal side are not entertained. And you know that when there is talk of “lo ongela yise” (the one without a father) reference is being made to you.

You grow up without a father but at some point, you feel that you have to confront the matter and visit prophets, churches and izinyanga but still get no straight answer. Your mother on her deathbed decided to tell you who your father is. Then she dies, without giving you the full details about who you really are.

It is now your task to use the little information she left, and with the help of sympathetic elders in the family to find your family.

With mother luck on your side, you find the homestead and meet your father’s family. Unfortunately, you are met with the news that he died a few years earlier. At least his family is welcoming and perhaps he may have told them that he may have another child somewhere. You meet your half siblings and somehow you have some resemblance, you are shown photos of your father, you look just like him, you are taken to his grave. At least you are lucky, you found closure in having met his family. Your case is closed.

Some children are not so lucky. Some children, when their mother dies, they make the discovery that the man they thought was their father was actually not their father but was a step dad who just decided to take good care of them. Now with both parents dead, surviving relatives are angling themselves to inherit their brother’s house and start unearthing long buried secrets that you never belonged to the family although you were brought up thinking that’s your father.

Now you realise you are on your own and nobody cares about telling you who your real father was, they just want you to know that you are not a Dube, but will not tell you who you are.

Some children do not know their fathers because their fathers are priests and swore to be celibate for the rest of their lives. But with nature and biology, things happen and children are born, but to protect the image of the church and the image of the person involved, some children just must be a family’s dirty little secret.

In some cases, you may have been the result of a little scandal. Your mother may have been happily married. But her husband having to work far from home for long periods at a time, probably coming home once or twice a year, may have become lonely and established some form of relationship with a close neighbour. You were the result but to conceal the scandal she had to visit your “father” so that the pregnancy would appear as his. It is funny how people always said you looked like the children from next door.

So all is well with your family but when Mr Mthethwa dies next door, suddenly elders from that family come and ask for you as there is a special ritual that must be performed on all surviving children of the deceased. This sparks the beginning of serious drama and almost ends the 30-year-old marriage of your parents.

Now you realise that people were right about you looking like the children next door, but you are no longer a Mpofu, you are now a Mthethwa and months of depression are set to follow. Identity crisis and a lot more.

Such scenarios illustrated above are situations many people experience in daily life. They need wisdom to be dealt with and some cases of suicides in the country may have been a result of people making such life changing discoveries.

The issue of identity is very important and while others may have in some instances found themselves in uncomfortable situations when a child is grown up, it is only important and fair that he or she be told the truth about who they are. Some truths may be damaging but the drama that has often unfolded during funerals all point at the need for families to face these secrets and tackle them head on as secrets always have a way of coming out in the open.

To those that find themselves in such situations, take heart and know that sometimes, mothers would have been doing it all for you. A mother will not tell you who your father is if she knows that you are not wanted. It’s unfair but it is the maternal instinct of wanting to protect you.

It is unfortunate that there are some mothers who do such things out of selfishness and in the name of wanting to conceal their own scandals.