Chronicle Editor
Andile Tshuma
WIDOWS are a strong group of women. They go through so many trials and tribulations and remain steadfast.
One of the most trying times in the life of a widow is the funeral wake.
Imagine while mourning the love of your life after spending 30 years together in marriage, some children walk into your gates claiming to be coming to mourn their father. You never heard of these, but the elders seem to know them. They are a spitting image of your husband. And you must remain composed so as not to make a scene. Such is life sometimes.
With fewer people attending funerals nowadays due to the Covid-19 lockdown and regulations put in place regarding public gatherings, it is much easier to notice if any drama is unfolding at a funeral.
Sometimes a woman is not allowed to mourn the way she wants and cannot express herself however, she wants, but must sit composed on that mattress at the corner of the room with a heavy blanket over her shoulders no matter how hot or cold it is. It is what she must do. Well, at least in Ndebele culture.
During funeral wakes, family secrets are often exposed.
Long buried secrets of generations can be unearthed in a matter of hours.
Life altering revelations are made at the graveside that can change the entire course of life for those left behind.
Of all the revelations, one of the most difficult ones for women mourning the loss of a husband must be the revelation of infidelity.
Imagine being a woman mourning your husband of so many years and also trying to comfort your children that have been left fatherless.
A group of children come to your household, accompanied by some elders, sometimes by their mother, and then they are introduced to you as the other children of the deceased, your husband.
You have never heard of them and there never was a sign of infidelity in your marriage. If there was a sign, Mr Husband must have been very good at keeping his secret as long as he lived.
Amid the shock and everything else, with the world spinning and the imminent collapse of the walls around you, you do realise that the children that are being introduced to you as your step-children are a spitting image of your now lifeless husband. They look like your own children too, after all they are siblings, and they share a father.
Amid all this, you have millions of questions, but the only person who could answer all the questions racing in your head is lying lifeless, probably in a hospital mortuary or is lying in state at your house. You wish to rip open the coffin to confront him with all the questions you have.
There’s a thin line between acting like a ‘‘respectable’’ woman and causing a scene.
A family meeting is then called, which marks the beginning of unending meeting after meeting. You are told to behave and that there are people so you must act in a certain way. As a widow, you must be composed. When you seek clarity from the uncles and your husband’s brothers, they tell you that they knew the other children, the other family, and act puzzled that you were left out of the picture.
While she is still grieving and has probably returned to her mourning spot in the room, she is engulfed and overwhelmed with a feeling of great betrayal, deception. She hates the dead man, and for that moment loathes the other children, who are just innocent, but have wrecked her entire life and existence.
Her memories of her married life with the deceased have been scarred for life.
All she thinks about him is that for the duration of their marriage, he was always just a two-timing schemer.
The drama does not end there. Some people will depart and go back to their homes and only close family members will remain after the burial day. This is when serious talk will begin, but the person behind the mess is no longer there to answer for his sins. Life has to go on, but potential trouble is brewing about inheritance and everything else. Now there are already murmurs about who gets the house, the cars, the cows and so forth. But this widow, the surviving spouse is still alive and they are talking as if she were dead too.
Uncles like to be in charge in such situations. Relatives, their true colours are seen in such times. Some will use such times to settle scores.
The situation where another family just falls from the sky during the funeral presents a lot of challenges for those left behind. The widow, her children, and the other family are all affected. They are all vulnerable and it will take really wise people to address the issue amicably.
I would say the widow is entitled to her house as she bought the house together with the husband and moved in with him. The other family maybe ‘‘happened’’ when the first marriage was 10 or so years old. However, perhaps this widow never had the good old ‘‘Chapter 37’’ (now 5:11) and was only customarily married. It spells more trouble and if the other family feels they need to claim their share of inheritance, it means a long and ugly legal battle begins, which will cost the families a lot of money.
At such a time, it will be the role of those left behind to unite the children and try to establish a lasting civil relationship among them. While what they have in common, their father is gone, and they never had the opportunity to spend a single day with him together in his lifetime, surviving uncles can take up that task for the sake of the children. But it can also fail.
It is highly unlikely that there will be any relationship between the surviving women, whatever form of relationship there was between the man and the other woman at the time of his death.
Some widows go through worse than this, but this scenario explained above is something that many women in our lives have experienced.
It is therefore important to educate people about the importance of wills. But it is much more important for people to sort out their lives before they die.
I personally find it unfair for someone to go to the grave without sorting out his mess. It is deliberately ensnaring those left behind in an ugly mess and may affect the memories of the loved ones left behind by the departed.
With all this happening, amid the unfolding drama, as months go on after the passing of the man, the widow is still expected to conduct herself in a manner prescribed by the elders. She cannot express her anger at how she could have been betrayed in such a manner because that would be tantamount to speaking ill of the deceased. And without the right support systems, she may be plunged into serious depression. She would think that all the years she spent giving her all and submitting to the husband must have been a joke to him, and may wonder if she wasted decades with someone who was busy making babies elsewhere and never had the decency to make things right by her before he died. That he was arrogant enough to keep quiet about it and leave the loved ones behind to deal with it.
Life does go on, with time wounds heal, but it takes strong women to deal with such things. Widows deal with a lot more trouble than what has been explored here, but I just wonder if anything can be worse than the pain of discovering infidelity when someone is dead and cannot even say a half-hearted “darling I’m sorry”.
Respect widows, they are strong.
Dear men, if you have any secrets in your closet, please come clean with it and sort out your mess before you die and leave everyone else you claim to love in a snare created by you. Man up and deal with it, your death will not fix it but will only shift the burden to the ones you leave behind. — @andile_tshuma
Online Reporter