Of returning miscreants and “mavoco”

Who am I?

I have been beating myself over the past years. Why was I so stupid that I let the legendary crock of gold at the end of the rainbow just slip through my hands just like that?

I allowed myself and my whole board to be unceremoniously bundled out of office just one year into my reign after failing to remit levies from match gate takings.

But look at what this fellow who has now finally been chucked out managed to get away with. First of all he bought everyone who mattered so getting rid of him was something that the unwashed masses cried for and no one in power was interested in ensuring. But as they say, the tortoise will always meet a hunter with an axe one day and its shell will prove useless.

But before he went he bankrupted the association. Now it is getting properties auctioned off. The country’s team has gone from the dream team to the stuff that nightmares are made of. Now they do not even have the chance to prove their pathetic inadequacies in the next World Cup qualifiers.

So surely you understand why I think I stand a chance of getting back to the big time. Anyone else would look like an angel when stood next to this blackguard. So wish me luck against the other vultures circling the corpse.

Gore redzidzo

The year is almost coming to an end and we wonder what you will be declaring as your lesson learnt. We have internalised plenty at the usual place and it looks like there is still more to come before those of us lucky enough to be around get to sing Simon Chimbetu’s “Tenda” once again.

Our word of advice is that if you are in the public domain you must avoid the school boy blunder of trying to use big words that you yourself may not understand. Yes, we understand that it was a status symbol to use “mavoco” or big words to attract the girls but that was cool in high school, not in the real world.

In the interest of taking along our compatriots on this great journey of learning we are going to share with you a few pointers of how to use the queen’s language. We know that it is not our mother tongue and none of us can ever claim 100 percent proficiency, but that does not mean we should resist accumulating knowledge when it knocks on our door.

We will start with our honourable member of parliament who happens to be a lawyer, we believe. He talked about “delinquent and cantankerous” colleagues. Now we got the delinquent part and we definitely agree with him that representatives should sit in the House during business hours. We know that for some of them it is too much to expect that they then speak on behalf of the people whose marks on the ballot papers gave them the mandate to eat, drink, drive and fly on our behalf. So we totally feel you legally honourable one on that one.

But cantankerous? If they are absent how can they be cantankerous? Dear former minister, a cantankerous person is irritable, not absent. We hope that when preparing legal briefs you are more merciful with the English language or else your clients may be prejudiced.

We cannot end this lesson without adding a few more words. Please note dear friends and countrymen and women that there is no such word as irregardless. Just say regardless and you will have aced the test.

And please, do not say “Jack is ignorant” when you mean that Jack is ignoring you. Ignorant means devoid of knowledge and does not refer to the act of ignoring someone.

In the same manner a harsh person is not necessarily a short tempered one (ane hasha). We know that the two words sound the same but they are two totally different languages. That is the end of our vocabulary lesson for the day.

Men on challenge

So what is happening? Has the disease that ravaged the Kenyan men hit their Zimbabwean counterparts?

Why else would the men need bedroom tablets unless their women have been complaining? In the Shona tradition they say when it comes to such matters the diviner is always the woman. So we are forced to conclude that the men are lacking.

Therefore we are encouraged to see that men have not been complacent. Realising their own weaknesses they shoved and wrestled with each other as they tried to make sure that they received the magic bullets that will allow them to shoot straight and true.

Rumour mill: Funeral drama

We hear that some of the most educated minds in the country are regulars at the usual place. So fond of the tipple have they become that it looks like they are getting away from their posh offices during business hours to visit the usual place.

We are not about to judge a man for liking his beer or wine or spirits. But we can certainly laugh when we hear that he turned up for a funeral as drunk as a skunk. Poor fellow apparently had to be helped off the podium after he dismally failed to deliver a befitting farewell for the departed luminary. We will just leave this one right here.

Last Call: Enhanced criminals

Q: What happens to criminals who sell fake Viagra?

A: They face stiff penalties! Jokes4us.com

Till next week, bottoms up!

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