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Nicodemuses in women’s guild (ruwadzano) clothing
We are astounded at the news that we are hearing. To think that people who professed to be of the most impeccable church pedigree could stoop so low as to haunt both prophets and n’angas to ensure that their plans to rise to the apex came to pass!
Now if this was just sheer unbridled ambition, we would say that it is bad enough but totally human. But to hear that they were seeking spiritual aid to carry out cold-blooded murder is totally shocking. If it was one of the regulars, no one would be much surprised as the usual place has long been dubbed a den of iniquity.
It would be just another case of a dog biting a person. But when skullduggery and other nefarious activities are carried out by self-appointed heaven-bound citizens who regularly appear in public adorned in their guild uniforms, then it becomes a case of a person biting a dog and a snake.
But in spite of people from churches always saying bad things about drinkers, we are more understanding and put things down to human nature.
We know that humans are humans, and calling themselves the churchiest of the churchy will not change anything. No need to pretend to be holy, given a chance our base natures will always come out.
World rep mess up
So she somehow sneaked into the top 20, wonderful.
But we think if she put less gunk on her mug she might stand a better chance of really getting somewhere. Is she trying to hide the shame of her predecessor?
Miss Piggy again
We spoke about this snout-lipped female who is famous for her sex videos and going to Big Bore Africa to get a man instead of the cash prize. We said it before that her much publicised romance with the Ghanaian tailor was doomed and people said that it was the green-eyed monster glaring out of our eyes.
But here we are. She has been shown the door. Surely, if a man loves you and you know it, the last thing you would do is go after another woman and call her names.
That is the behaviour of an insecure desperado who can read the writing on the wall.
But when a cougar calls another a sugar mummy, we are perplexed. We thought love was nothing but a number.
Meanwhile, we must confess that we find this public break-up to be the perfect manifestation of a visit by Nemesis, that goddess who returns to you whatever you give out twice fold. The rejected lover must be laughing up his sleeve, unless he is really down on bended knees and asking for another run, as the rumour mill suggests.
After all, that is the same way in which she let down this poorly endowed local musician lover after she had an eyeful or whatever-full of the Ghanaian tailor.
So the now the chickens have come to roost, Miss Piggy and we hope you have the coop well prepared. But take heart, even after all your arrogant flouting of your Zimbabwe suitor, there will still be local men lining up to try their luck with you so you do not need to give up on your favourite activity which you started in your teens and which was the reason you are now an African brand.
Fornicators r us
Have you seen the lists? Someone has come up with a supposedly definitive compilation of the major players in Harare.
Topping the male list is that money-splashing toy boy who is currently linked to a cougar. Perhaps he spreads his seed around in the hope that it might land on fertile ground.
Rumour has it that the man fires blanks which is why in spite of all the playing he does not have even a single child to show for it.
Our model-bashing CEO of a State authority is also included on the list. Remember the guy who got deported from Mauritius all those years ago during one of the Asiagate matches? He has recently made the news for allegedly turning himself and the model wife into rank marshals as they tried to save their patroness.
We sure do hope that he will soon be removed from the State authority which he has made a fiefdom to the extent that everyone calls him “Chief”.
Then there is a minister who publicly pretends to be very much in love with his wife but in reality is just another serial bed-hopper.
But we doubt the inclusion of the man who is a big fish in the energy sector. We have it on good authority that he stopped playing with local women some years back after he discovered that he was the butt of all jokes pertaining to size.
We advise all players to get hold of this list before it lands on the screen of the significant others.
Or there will be fireworks in the house, especially for the “engaged” couple who both appear on the bed-hopping charts.
Personally, we would like to meet the author of list and ask her how she picked on those few men from the thousands she has obviously been through.
We are convinced it is a woman because the women’s list shows that it was made by a she-cat who is just pulling her rivals down.
So finding the originator is quite easy.
Just draw up a list of all the female players who do not appear on that list and you have your chief suspects. It should be easy to pick who it was.
But we are intrigued by the media personalities included because now we know for sure that the former minister of the vulgar mouth really does like media women.
Remember the other one that was in his car when he totalled it?
Still on the subject of lists, this past week the usual place has been abuzz as people asked how the list purporting to tell us of the sexiest women in the country came about. One regular maintains that one had to be a woman of very easy virtue to be short-listed.
We are not sure what easy virtue is as we think evidence has shown us that women in all parts of society – including church matrons, are easy to get into sexual congress, so we cannot comment.
We too, we too!
Bra Gee would like to make a petition to the President.
We have worked hard all year telling you of all the interesting tidbits that never make it into the news and making you laugh at some of these pompous prigs.
But even more important, we have played the role of a prophet exceedingly well.
Remember right at the beginning of the year when we warned you that earthquakes that would fell the highest of mountains were on the way?
It is surely due to our predictions that this has come to pass.
So we too deserve recognition from the highest authority in the land. After all, the time for being falsely modest is long past.
Like Buffalo Souljah, we demand to be feted with money and praise for the little that we have achieved.
We too would like to be the judges of our own accomplishments and compel the whole country to agree with our magnified opinion of ourselves.
Till next week, bottoms up!
Twitter: @brageesbar, Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]
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