Of unfurled fists, Politspeak and Elizabeths!

BAR TALK with BRA GEE
No need as yet to talk about the election that has been bought and paid for in the soccer fraternity. But we hope that the aftermath it will provide is with much fodder for drink from today.
Right now, along with the handful of supporters left, we are delighted to hear that all is now hunky dory in Harvest House where presumably poor Elton will just be told to get a new pair of gazers and let bygones be bygones.

The only reason we are pleased is that we were worried over our teeth. It was only a matter of time before the clenched Harvest fists spilled over to our usual places. So we are happy that for now they have been unfurled and peace has come to town.

But we cannot help wondering what has brought that fortuitous reconciliation into place. Could it be that everyone has realised that the need to stand united to pry that US$3 million out of the finance ministry, by hook, crook or fist, and to hell with all the civil servants?

We are reliably informed that the Italian suits that the God-quoting former minister had cultivated a taste for during his power heydays are fast wearing out. Soon he might have to go back to the cheap wrinkled Chinese rip offs he used to parade around the city before his elevation.

There is also the story of the former MP from parts south eastern who drove to Harare in his twin cab, sold it and got some cash and a much locally abused ex-Jap sedan. A few months later he returned with that sorry replacement, sold it back to the same car dealer and bought a mountain bike before boarding a bus back home.

Now the story is that even the bike is no more…… There was also the huge car on display at some car sales that was reportedly a severance package for one lucky former worker of the pockmarked luminary himself. The stories of the return to rags abound.

And we are most sympathetic. For if truth be told, some of these fellows were not so bad.

They would occasionally walk into the usual place and buy (several) drinks for respectable drinkers like yours truly. Of course most became arrogant upstarts who plain forgot that we had known them when they were desperate boys with no two cents to rub together.

Now the wheel has turned and most are back right at the bottom of the heap where they started before the GNU.

And it is clear that desperate times call for desperate measures. So the usual suspects have decided to team up and try to get something, anything. And we are keenly interested in just what they stand for since they will fall for anything.

One day they tell us that the government is broke, Chinamasa is clueless and civil servants are lucky to find anything in the bank on pay day. Then the next day they demand money to make sure that their not-so-beloved leader has enough to pay lobola for the next women since Madam Elizabeth seems determined not to return to a house where there are no er…, election victories in sight.

So what does this say about our dear brethren? If the situation is not as bad as they claim it is, that makes them merchants of doom, just out to spread despondency in the vain hope that somehow they will be returned to Government.

Or if it is true, yet they are demanding their pound of flesh nonetheless, then that makes them a bunch of Shylocks with no consideration for the masses that they are so ardent to represent. So what are you, the regulars would like to know? Liars or mercenaries?

We think we much prefer that they turn out to be liars. There is something eminently respectable about a politician who is accomplished in Politspeak. In fact we the regulars at the usual places would not have them any other way. In our book it is desirable that politicians be creative with the truth.

Remember Bill Clinton and “that woman”?That is okay because we also lie to them. During the campaign we will take drinks from any comers and promise to vote for them. On the actual day, we are nowhere near the polling stations.

How else do you account for the multitudes that throng rallies and the paltry numbers who then turn up to vote?

And whenever a politician says “white”, we immediately look for grey, blue, purple, crimson or any other colour except white. So the MDC politicians across the divide of splinter, reunited and unknown status should learn the art forthwith. And we mean really useful lies not the ones about bus loads of foreigners turning up to vote in Harare.

That is our politics for the day. Now let us move on to the real usual suspects. What is the use of ethereal prediction of the finding of the plane after earthly equipment and brains seem to have broken through after hours, days, weeks and millions of dollars of slogging?

A more useful prophesy would have happened prior to the plane disappearing and would have gone thus:
“I foresee a Malaysian plane getting into trouble on Saturday.”

Or if revelations came after the fact we would find the following one acceptable immediately after the plane was reported missing:

“The plane has been lost at sea. The coordinates are x and y.”

But of course the faithful will say that prophesies are never blunt and should be couched is suitably vague phrases which leave them open to interpretation.

But to claim to prophesy then to get the day wrong after all!

What an embarrassment for this man masquerading as an international prophet. Surely even his most ardent fanatics must be beginning to see the holes in his prophecies

by now. But maybe not as time has repeatedly proved that logic and faith never occupy the same room at the same time!

Before we go, we have a word of advice for the other Elizabeth. Sue the pants off that brazen woman who left her job to be the kept mistress of your now estranged husband. The law says you can and we say you should. All the evidence you will ever need is right there just waiting for you in the court papers.

With all the money she says she has been getting, surely she has a car or two that you can attach. Not that you need them, but just for the sheer malice and revenge of it.
Please, please do.

All the regulars are rooting for you, dear Elizabeth. Especially now that we know that the loud-mouthed lout famous for misspending his questionably acquired wealth is a just low down dirty woman basher. That is as vile as that certain state authority “jefe” who lines up models for bedmates then bashes them blind in hotels, planes, everywhere.

Till next week, bottoms up!