adminHELLO there readers, summer is here, yipee! This, however, means that we are now into the second half of the year, so for all those people who thought they have all the time in the world before year end – think again lol! Over the last couple of months I have been receiving a lot of mail from women complaining about being abused or beaten by their husbands and seeking for advice. If you bought the paper a few weeks ago, you will have read a long touching letter from a woman who had the guts to write to me about her story. So many people responded to that column, thanking the woman for her honesty. Her story is so many other people’s story.
So today I think it would be best if I address the wife beating husbands. I know there are so many reasons for men to beat up their wives and I know the beater always thinks he is justified. But men there is no justification for putting your fist into the mother of your children or the one you declared on your wedding day to protect.
I have to ask the men that beat their wives; ‘are you so emotionally weak, that a woman (known as the weaker sex), can drive you to physically attacking her’?
For the man who seriously does not provoke his wife, but she is the problem one especially with her mouth, I would say, yes there are some women that even I have to say “woman you asked for it” because they talk and shout and scream at their men with no respect or honour or breaks. But even then a bigger man would choose to walk away from his loved one when she is behaving like a crazy person, than to beat her. And also I have seen some men who have crazy wives, simply warn her to behave herself, then they walk away. I have seen women beat their husbands’ chests and so forth, where other people have had to hold her back from him, but the man has not lifted a hand on to her. And of cause because he did not beat her, everyone saw how crazy the woman was and they dealt with her accordingly even her family responded. So you see as men you do not have to beat your wife into submission there is a support system out there that will endeavour to control her for you or at least speak sense into her life. Unless she is demonically possessed, the you need more serious intervention.
Now there are those men who beat their wives when they are intoxicated (alcohol, drugs), nhai wena? Why is it you did not beat people up from where you are coming from? You should settle scores with them because they are the ones who put you out of your mind before you got home by giving you stuff that makes you crazy, why then are you coming home and venting your lack of control over your wife. You know very well that when you are intoxicated, you lose control. So why not simply come home and go to sleep without making problems for your family. Yes, your wife is angry, she has the right to be angry because in your intoxicated state, your behaviour is probably not becoming of a mature caring husband. You should try being married to a person who is not in their right mind and see how you behave. It is not fun being around a drunk or drugged out person. It is hard to have any meaningful conversation with them and it is hard to have any form of stability for that moment because they themselves are not in total control, even though they think they are. Your family should not have to pay for your addiction Mr Husband. It is your addiction, get help. You made a choice to start drinking and or taking drugs, so why are you now beating your family up for it?
For the man who is beating his wife up because that is what he grew up knowing – let me tell you Sir, this is not normal. Yes, it might have been normal for you when you were growing up, but trust me, this is not the normal thing for marriages. Wife beating is not a natural thing and it is not natural for men to do either.
Men are there as protectors, they are there to ensure the family are safe. What good is a husband in the home, when the family are afraid of him? What purpose then are you for in the home. Your wife is afraid of you, your kids hide when you return home, are you a man or an animal that other human beings cannot relate to you? You need to get help urgently my friend. There are counsellors everywhere in this city, there are psychologists and even psychiatrists if your issue is mental. It is not okay for you to use your fists to bring control to your loved ones. Why don’t you use your fists to beat up other men? I know why you beat your wife, it is because you do not have the guts to fight other men, so you are a coward! If you disagree, then prove me wrong by going and getting counselling so you can stop.
All of you men made a commitment to your wives on your wedding day to protect them, to love them, to support them etc until death do you part. That commitment was made under God and family, and was sealed in blood when you had sex after the wedding – which makes it a covenant. Covenants are binding, so you cannot just decide to change the rules just because you can no longer control your wife, or that you now have issues. Deal with yourself or get out of the marriage covenant and allow your wife (who is someone’s daughter by the way), to be loved and cared for and appreciated by someone else.
That brings me to the man who no longer loves his wife or never did and now vents his anger out on her through beating her. Husband stop it now! Grow up! Were you handcuffed on the wedding day and forced to marry her – no! Even if she was pregnant, why did you not just own up, pay the price for damages, tell her truth that you did not love her, that all it was, was sex not love (which is why you had a child with her without committing to marriage), and offer to pay child maintenance. Even if her family would have been angry and she would have been disappointed, people would have eventually respected you for being truthful and mature, rather than being a coward a causing a lifetime of unhappiness. Now you beat her up, hoping for what may I ask? The marriage will not end by you beating her up, but her life could end, making you not just a wife beater but a murderer. Is this what you were born to do Mr Husband? Most people know I was married in my late Teens, but the marriage only lasted 8 years because of his extramarital affairs. But in all that time, the man did not lift a hand to me’, even when in my anger I shouted things I could not repeat even to myself, he simply walked away. I stayed with him that long because I respected him for treating me wonderfully when we were together. No matter what issues you are having in your marriage, as a man you need to be able to say at the end of it all; I did not lay a finger on her. Your kids need to know that when they are married, it is not okay to be aggressive with their loved ones.
Men you are the head of your home, think about being a head. Whatever you do runs down the neck (your wife) and on to your body the kids and relatives. This is your legacy, this is the heritage you owe it to your kids and to yourself. Please do not put your burdens on your kids or your wife. Deal with your stuff as a man. If you can’t please get help from other men (mature men), counsellors etc. Try and make sure the bad life you had is not the bad life you are giving your family. Make it appoint to make life better for them and in the face of God, you will be right and therefore blessed. I truly believe that many families are not prospering right now, because the head of the home is not in order. Yes the wife, the helper needs to play her part as a helper, but if the head is not in order, how then can the helper assist?
Remember it’s not that I hate you; I do not know you; but I am simply giving you wisdom to become better husbands.
Until next week, God bless!
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