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A round for all fellow imbibers who have passed on after consuming fake alcohol, we drinkers are informed.
I understand that the end is not pretty.
Nothing at all like taking a last pull of your favourite tipple then peacefully sinking into stupor.
I hear that these mates are going in agony.
On behalf of fellow drinkers, I would like to ask an important question: Just what is fake alcohol? Do you mean that the stuff in the bottles is not alcohol? Or do you mean that the brand on the packaging is fake and this is not the product that you think you are buying, but it is still alcohol?
Because if the issue is just that of package faking, then we should tell people the truth that they are buying moonshine and not fake alcohol.
What is the difference, you want to know?
Huge one, my fellow drinkers. Because once we know that it is kachasu then the problem can be dealt with.
We have our kachasu drinking secrets which we will not share here.
Death still comes but it is not so instant or ugly.
Drinkers deserve to float off the great bar in style, and not writhe about leaving a stinky mess for the undertakers.
Dr No Feel Good
A long pull for the other departed.
Those dearly beloved who passed on after being injected multiple times by prophets.
I need clarification on this one.
Why in the name of all fiery spirits would you want to get injected by a prophet? Help me out here.
I thought those guys were supposed to use spiritual powers through some totally unrelated substances.
You know like when they give you stones which are supposed to get you promoted at work or make your spouse love you or deal with your infertility.
Or where they make you drink sewage water to defeat your enemies. Or even walk on top of your prostate body to bless you.
I mean, it might make some twisted sort of sense if this was a traditional healer.
Because those guys do use herbal treatments and it is not too great a leap of imagination for them to move from drinking concoctions to injectable version.
But a prophet with an injection syringe? Heaven forbid!
Making money makes nonsense
Can someone please bring the esteemed analysts here to explain something.
Every year we know that during the festive season the black market rates for dollars dip somewhat.
Companies are closed and there is no production going on. On the other hand, people from abroad are home for the festive season and spending freely.
Then you have people liquidating foreign currency holdings to pay for fees and so forth.
So there is more supply and less demand which pushes the rates down.
That is the explanation that we have received from those who understand these things.
And being just good drinkers and nothing else, we receive.
So now you can summon the experts to explain why this is not happening right now? Could it be because we have dollarised secretly with state organs like the revenue collector demanding crisp US$100 notes for some payments? Is that even legal?
Who is the real criminal?
The old woman disappears and the hyena throws up a pile of white hair.
The obvious assumption is not always the correct one.
Maybe it’s just amazing coincidence; the old woman was dragged off by a rogue lion and the hyena scavenged the remains of a white goat. Yeah, right.
So now we have read the court case of the procurement officer with the finance ministry who got duped of all those thousands of US dollars by a con artist over a land deal.
And we cannot make funny assumptions leading to damning conclusions.
Maybe, just maybe, the procurement officer really did earn their money in a straightforward manner.
A means and lifestyle audit will show that this procurement officer is a hard-working citizen who diligently declares all their income and pays taxes faithfully.
And maybe all my former humans, one night stands and friends with benefits will get in touch today and offer to buy me a bottle of the best.
Along with the braai. And even a bit of post break-up you know what.
It is a possibility. But I am not holding my breath.
Especially in light of the case of the other procurement director.
I am sure the only reason he was caught out was because someone finally cottoned on to the fact that in spite of paying cleaning bills, there were no maids in evidence.
Not very bright fellow that one, otherwise he could have had a sweet deal for years with no one the wiser.
As I am sure thousands other procurement officers are doing.
Which is why I think we need a new law.
One whereby you have to prove pedigree of ownership before you can ask the law to help you when something is stolen.
Because honestly I think the law might be suffering double abuse.
First of all, you have a person who did it, and got away with it.
Then they come to ask the justice system to protect their ill-gotten gains.
Argh!!! Not just adding insult to injury, but packing the wound with coarse salt and sealing the lot with plaster.
Ninjas are just guerrillas
Each day there is a new horrific case of the machete gangs. Bar, night club, bottle store, car park, under a tree, and all the other places where we drink. “MaShurugwi” are the talk.
Why, now we even know their ranks and are wise to the fact that when “Mabhudhi” come to town, you just hand over everything quietly and wish them well.
We gulp our drinks with shivers rippling down our backs as we listen to yet another gory tale, more chilling than the next.
We look furtively around and pray that the menace does not move into our neighbourhood and it will soon be us handing over our few valued possessions.
But here is the thing. The name “MaShurugwi” is being used to blind us to reality.
We are now so inured to gratuitous violence by armed gangs that we are ready to just dismiss all atrocities as expected once the name “MaShurugwi” is mentioned.
Let’s stop to think here, good drinking companions.
These gangs are made up of individual humans. Who live somewhere. Who eat somewhere.
Drink somewhere. Pass bodily waste somewhere. They love, laugh and cry with someone.
Surely they do not disappear into thin air in between their vicious actions.
There is someone who knows that their partner, brother, nephew, friend is a Machete Killer Gang member.
Someone who is happy to stir sugar in their tea knowing fully well that a human being was butchered for that sugar.
So please, “MaShurugwi” are not an alien menace that has suddenly visited our society.
It is a monster that we reared ourselves. And there are those of us who are happy to let the beast grow bigger with each passing day.
Because I am willing to bet my last drinking money for the month of January, that until MaShurugwi are confronted in their safe spaces, all this talk of the long arm of the law will be just that, talk.
If it was up to Bra Gee, Professor Mthuli Ncube would be putting up some of his much vaunted surplus in a fund to reward whistle-blowers who identify “MaShurugwi” in their communities.
Told you so!
Unlike all the hypocrites who pretend they do not enjoy it, I like saying the words, “I told you so!” Yes I did say that 2020 we are in for more high profile arrests.
Honourable Dexter Nduna and crew, here is a big gulp to your arrest.
Skol! Even if you do benefit from the catch and release programme, we are still much gratified by the clipping of your wings.
Incidentally the drinking constituency does not believe that it is a coincidence that the political, administrative and security leadership is all represented in the gallery of rogues for embarrassingly blatant thievery in an area where machete gangs appear so powerful.
One for the road
This is a sad time for some drinkers indeed. Results time. All that lovely drinking money sacrificed for little Tino’s school fees. And what does the little tyke do? Fail dismally. And some of the loans are not yet even repaid. Argh!!!!
Skol!
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