Perspectives of a male cheat

Ann Rutheburg Marriage Doctor
Hello again readers, I hope you are all well. I am okay, I guess. There are many changes happening in the nation, city, community and also our homes. All I can say is hang in there, people, keep your eyes on God and always try to find something positive to focus on while you are going through the positive.

This week, I am knocking on the door of our men folk out there. The last two weeks, we have tried to enlighten the men on why women cheat. This subject is by no means simple and we are far from exhausting it. But I hope it gave you a small idea of why women sometimes cheat. It is not every woman’s reason because there are some out there who get paid for sex (it is a job). I am talking about those who do not normally do that and then all of a sudden they start straying.

Anyway, today by popular demand I am going to give you the story of a man who cheats or was a cheat. It is interesting, at least it was for me! See what you think.

A cheating man’s thoughts on why men cheat

Cheating is bad. We all know that. We all know that it is a dishonest and hurtful thing to do to a person with whom you are in a relationship. Still, people do it without regard for their significant other’s feelings. They also don’t seem to care about the consequences, most of the time.

How do I know this? Well, I have cheated. Yes, that makes me somewhat of a bad selfish person, I get it. However, allow me to explain myself before you jump on the hate train.

It wasn’t that I thought my girlfriend at the time was a bad person, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t into her; it wasn’t that I didn’t love her. It was something far more complex than that, something that I don’t think most people can understand. So, here is my best explanation as to why I did it and why I believe I’m not alone. Many, if not most, men are self-conscious creatures who harbor plenty of insecurities. I certainly do, at least. The story of how I cheated has nothing to do with the girl I was dating, but everything to do with an internal conflict that I’m sure plagues many cheaters: the notion that we’re undesirable.

Many women experience guys throwing themselves at them nearly every day, especially at gigs, parties, social gatherings and workplaces etc. Guys on the street, guys at the bar, guys online… Guys everywhere are constantly throwing themselves at women hoping to sleep with them. While a lot of women find this kind of behaviour to be offensive, it conveys the notion of desirability in a way that many men crave to experience. Generally speaking, when we walk down the street, no one catcalls. When we are at the bar or Gig, it is rare for a stranger to strike up conversation with the intent to charm us. The majority of our activities go unnoticed throughout the day. Therein lies the issue.

What many women have a hard time understanding is that while yes, catcalling and guys constantly hitting on you is annoying and unwanted, it provides for a form of validation. Men, on the other hand, rarely get such validation. That’s exactly why I did it. The trouble with being in a long-term relationship is that you can only get that kind of validation from your significant other, and sometimes, it’s not enough. This is especially true if your significant other has a difficult time expressing her feelings and true desires for you. Dating a girl who has a hard time opening up and being honest with you can eventually cause trouble. It can leave you feeling unwanted or unsexy, which will likely leave you to do something regrettable. This is how it happened with me.

I was married to a girl who no longer made me feel special. I felt like I wasn’t a desirable person. I felt unsexy. I was going through a phase where I didn’t know if anyone would ever look my way again, until suddenly, one day… A different girl showed interest in me. It was exciting. It felt awesome. I finally felt the validation that I wasn’t getting from my wife. Unfortunately, I gave in to that desire and did the unthinkable: I cheated. Afterward, I was mortified. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I promised myself that I’d never cheat and here I was, doing what I thought to be so unspeakably disgusting that I didn’t even know I was capable of ever doing it.

I preached and preached about how if you want to see someone else, you should just break up with the person you are dating or get marriage counselling. But, here I was, living the life of a cheater. I had no idea what to do next. Do I cover it up? Do I act like it never happened? Do I tell my significant other? Do I break up with my partner? I decided to keep quiet, but the woman I cheated with (over and over again), eventually decided she wanted me permanently. To me the cheating was exciting, but temporary. To her I was a future husband. After a few months of hide and seek, and pressure from my mistress to make our relationship more public; I came to my senses, and decided I wanted to start acting responsibly especially that I had kids with my wife. When I told my mistress that I want out, she refused to let go of me or was it my money (I’m not sure), so she told my wife.

Ultimately, my marriage ended. My wife chucked me out; I ended up staying the mistress whom to tell you the truth I did not love and never did (it was just a faze I was going through of needing validation). At the time I was so angry that my wife would say the hurtful things she said and would chuck me out of my own house. I thought it was for the best, but that truth offered no consolation.

I had broken one of my morals. I felt weak and cowardly. The only truth that I believed could bring me validation only drove me deeper into the hole of feeling like a bad person. The important thing to understand about cheaters is that a lot of the time, it’s not that the person who cheats is unhappy with his or her significant other, but that the issue is symptomatic of an internal problem.

Sure, there are certainly people who cheat because they feel like a relationship might already be over and they are too afraid to have the break-up talk. Sure, some people just generally don’t like their significant others. However, some people are just sex fiends and have little regard for ANYONE around them. I know this much: I was in a great relationship with an awesome woman, who I found to be super sexy even though she was a little over weight (that wasn’t an issue). It wasn’t her; it was me. I had emotional problems that I didn’t believe she could fix or help. I felt a void that I thought I could fill through cheating. Unfortunately, that void wasn’t filled and I left the situation embarrassed and humiliated. I do not see my kids because my wife moved town and is about to get remarried. I cannot describe the pain, of knowing another man is going to enjoy my family. I put years of love, commitment, finances, building a home, working hard; only to throw it away in a second.

I learned from that experience that cheating didn’t help, and I have since vowed to never do it again. My relationship with my mistress did not work out after my money ran out. I feel validated in sticking to my promise to myself. I can’t know for sure whether or not I’ll ever cheat again, but I certainly hope I don’t. The price is too high to pay especially when you are married. In fact the price is not worth it whether you are married or single. Its not just heart issues, there are physical issues (diseases), spiritual issues (how can you praise God when you know what you are doing?), but most of all everyone attached to you gets hurt at one stage or the other.

Well, that’s it in brief folks. I hope this more or less answers this question. That’s it from me, until next week, God Bless!

PS: Please, note information in this column is based on a mixture of research, science, theory and opinion. As much as much of the information given in these columns is tried and tested, the Marriage Dr can in no way guarantee that advice given will work for everyone. Every couple’s situation is different and therefore if you choose to implement the advice given in each column, do so by analysing your own relationship and then with much maturity and patience, only applying those things to your relationship that may apply. Marriage Dr or the newspaper can in no way accept responsibility for the outcome (positive or negative); your relationship is your responsibility, accepting that is the beginning of change.