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David Mungoshi Shelling the Nuts
In the early to mid-80s, last century, we watched lots of cameos on ZTV from the hilarious comedy show “Dave Allen at Large”. I remember Dave Allen for his ecumenism and his impish humour. He had none of the religious fervour that has caused conflict among believers from different faiths.At the end of his shows he signed off with a twinkle in his eye by saying, “Good night. May your god go with you?” Judgment, like vengeance, was the Lord’s! A favourite comic punch bag of Dave Allen’s was God and the Catholic Church.
Do you remember the rascally postman who laughed when he had to deliver a letter to a house where there was a warning at the gate which said: BEWARE OF GOD. He chuckled and said, “Must be, ‘Beware of the ‘dog’ spelt backwards!’”
And when he went to open the gate there was an angry explosion and he went up in smoke. Understandably, at the end of that particular show Dave Allen, the inevitable cigarette in hand, said with a bit of a cackle, “God help me, if He doesn’t have a sense of humour.”
So, help me God, if the politicians do not have a sense of humour.
If I am lucky (kkkkkkkkkk!), others might start being motivated to tell or collect jokes about Zimbabwe’s political figures, whether “quick” or “dead”. Such a collection would no doubt be of great value to us all in theatrical, aesthetic and anthropological terms.
For the uninitiated, in the Anglican Church and other churches that profess their faith through the Nicene Creed, it is an article of faith that Jesus will return to judge the quick and the dead. If you are among the quick, “usadla amabele” as we would say in IsiNdebele. In other words, you are still being counted among the throngs of the living.
It is things such as this that make my friend, Shingai Rukwata, a Sunday Mail columnist, complain about a humanoid God with a zest for blood. In theological terms Rukwata will thus be objecting to the phenomenon of anthropomorphism according to which humans express God in human terms and imbue him with human frailities and prejudices.
He is a “jealous” and a “vengeful” God. Shingai objects, among other things, to the “divine” massacre of the Egyptians in the Red Sea. But that’s a story for another day. Today I am supping with the politicians – dead and alive! As a Chinese friend of mine would say, “Today, laugh come. Tomorrow, laugh rest.”
Humour around politicians in Zimbabwe dates back to the period before Independence. Ever heard of the internal settlement between Ian Douglas Smith, Abel Muzorewa, James Chikerema, Ndabaningi Sithole and one or two others? By one or two others I refer to the two honourable chiefs that Ian Smith was mentoring.
He did this in order, so to speak, “to throw a spanner in the works”, given that the war was going terribly wrong for him. His quip about majority rule “Not in a thousand years” had become a pipe dream. Of the two chiefs in question, Chief Khayisa Ndiweni and Chief Jeremiah Sikereta Chirau, Chief Chirau bore the brunt of the jokes of the time.
When days are dark and things appear hopeless and intractable, it is normal and expected to castigate the politicians whoever they might be, either for doing things perceived to be the wrong things to have done, or for not doing those things that people feel, on average, they should have done. So, both a government on seat and the official opposition and other opposition fronts are fair game in this.
And we do this castigation with gusto and relish anywhere and everywhere: on the buses, in kombis, while watching soccer matches, in our WhatsApp chat groups, in our homes, at work, and so on. But methinks some of us doth protest too much. There is a sense in which taking a dig at politicians is everyone’s favourite pastime. But the truth is that we actually need politicians, for without them life could be dull indeed. Politicians provide a useful contrast with all the decent guys out there. They sometimes also exhibit a unique turn of phrase.
No one in the current Parliament of Zimbabwe, across the political divide, has generated as much mirth as Honourable Joseph Chinotimba, popularly known as Comrade Chinoz. Hardly a day passes without a joke being circulated about him on WhatsApp.
The beautiful thing about it is that Comrade Chinoz is aware of these jokes and disarmingly laughs about them. Where many would fume and threaten all kinds of harm, Comrade Chinoz joins in the laughter and even tells jokes about himself.
When Comrade Chinoz was invited to Spot FM Radio some time ago the lines were buzzing continuously with listeners phoning in from across the political divide to tell him their Chinoz jokes or just to talk to him. He even made a guest appearance in a comedy show at the old Book Café in Harare and was a hit. On that radio programme Comrade Chinotimba said if someone were to do a comic movie he would be willing to appear in it as himself. This genre of jokes began a long time ago with Chief Chirau being cartooned everywhere.
When the Zimbabwe-Rhodesia contingent went overseas in 1978 to try and sell the internal settlement we are told that Chief Chirau on one occasion was at table with Bishop Muzorewa. The bishop had Fanta in a glass while the chief had Coca- Cola. At the end of the meal the waiter asked them how the meal had been for them.
The bishop nodded his head and said, “Fantastic! Fantastic! Thank you”. At a loss what to say, Chief Chirau who had only a sprinkling of English decided to be inventive. The bishop had had Fanta and said the meal was fantastic. So the good chief said his meal was “‘cocastic!’”
On another occasion, Chief Chirau took a swig from a bottle of hot chilli sauce thinking it was some kind of exotic beverage. He even offered it to Chief Ndiweni with the words, “Ndiweni, you need to try this one. It’s a kill-me-quick”.
But perhaps the gem had to do with the negotiations for the internal settlement. By this time Chief Chirau, like Chief Ndiweni, was president of his political party. When journalists interviewed him about what his party wanted Chief Chirau said, “We want ‘oroparty’ conference.”
And when asked what he expected the All-Party Conference to achieve, Chief Chirau said, “We do not ‘gonotiate’ in public.”
After independence the jokes were about the late Vice President, Comrade Simon Muzenda. And again, it is said that he knew about the jokes and did not mind them. Jokes about ZRP Zambia, ZRP Yugoslavia and so on.
Politicians have, over the years, also introduced into Zimbabwe words and expressions that have become current and regular. President Mugabe spoke about principals and suddenly the word was all over the land. I first heard the expression “social contract” from Morgan Tsvangirai during his trade union days. Later as a politician he came up with “window of opportunity” and “restrictive measures”. And on an official visit to Germany, he stood under the wrong flag on the podium.
When Tendai Biti was Minister of Finance during the period of the GNU he was particular about “eating what we kill”. The parliamentary interaction between Vice President EmmersonMnangagwa and Honourable Nelson Chamisa, now Vice President of the MDC-T party, is usually quite entertaining.
The VP appears to savour getting humorous and does so in deep Chikaranga, speaking like a preacher. On one occasion when Honourable Chamisa asked Vice President Mnangagwa to tell the nation if he did not find it difficult to sleep at night due to the factionalism in ZANU-PF. He was referred to Mrs Mnangagwa, his “Maiguru” or elder sister-in-law. The two gentlemen belong to the same totem – Gumbo Madyirapanze.
Lest we think it’s all fun and laughter, I just want say that it isn’t. Our legislators have a solemn duty to do the best they can for their constituencies. Everyone should walk the talk.
Let us have none of the inane attention-seeking antics we have sometimes witnessed in the august House. MPs should show greater alertness to consequential matters rather than to cars, allowances and so on. There have been some who tried moving motions to regulate the frequency of intimacy between couples!
Let me wind up with a paraphrase of the words of a candidate in one of our elections.
There would be pandemonium and hullaballoo, he said, unless he was elected! How I miss the inimitable Egypt Dzinemunenzva, diligently fighting most presidential elections until he failed to raise the deposit in 2013. He was good for comic relief.
David Mungoshi, an applied linguist and teacher of long-standing, is a published poet, short story writer and award-winning novelist.
Online Reporter