Problem kids: There’s a way out

meeting, she read the article “Parenting no bed of roses.”
She enjoyed the article, but felt it did not proffer solutions to problems raised.
“What are the solutions?” I asked.

“I don’t understand how the first parents you mentioned were able to raise the first three children well, but failed to do the same with the last two. Something is not right. There was a lapse somewhere,” she said.
I did not understand what she was trying to say and she explained.
“What the parents could have done is that when they were raising the first three, they must have set a high standard for them, they did this by having clear ground rules and they had to be observed.

“They instilled in them a sense of responsibility and they must have been fulltime parents, with proper parenting skills, when they were raising the first three.
“When the first three did well in school, got themselves jobs, bought their own houses they felt they had achieved their goal of raising responsible people.
“They might have relaxed on the fourth and fifth children. The fourth one might have done a little bit better than the last born because at least he could go to work, but was irresponsible. With the last born, they might have spoiled him.

“The way parents raise last born children is more or less the way they raise grandchildren who when they play on sofas they will say, “musiyei atambe” (let the child play),” she explained.
The issues she raised were supported by a number of people who e-mailed this writer on the issue.
While we were discussing with parents, they could look back and see where they went wrong.
Some parents felt they were either busy with work outside the home and did not see that their children were turning into irresponsible characters.

But a number felt they did the best they could.
“Some children are just difficult to raise. Period! “
He was supported by another parent who said she did everything under the sun, even attending workshops to better his parenting skills, but nothing positive came out.

“Ndinawo mapenzi angu kumba uku. Mugoni wepwere ndiye asina (I have my mad children at home. Those without problems fancy themselves the finest problem solvers, according to a Shona proverb).”
A man who had had enough handed over his troublesome children to the police.

“Sometimes as parents we become too lenient with our children and we call it love and they abuse that love.”
He warned parents against turning homes into breeding grounds for criminals.
A reader, who identified herself as Shamain, said: “Kids of today can even kill you for your property. To them everything should come their way on a silver platter. Some tell their parents ‘Handina kukutumai kundizvara. Kana zvanetsa ndidzoserei kwandakabva (I did not ask you to bring me into this world)”
“Sometimes going through hardships can make one see the light. I wish we can adopt a system where kids perform manual tasks during their vacation.

“Even at home, make them work for some payment to enable them understand that you earn a living through hard work. Too much luxury has spoiled our beloved children.”
Most parents wish the best for their children but at times they do not know how to handle certain situations.
Parents are sometimes caught up in desperate situations where they do not know what to do.
Two women told me of a chilling story of how a mother lost it, did the most unthinkable as her children had taken her too far and nearly went nuts because of her two sons she looked after as a single parent from the ages of 8 and 10.

They would accuse her of spending the money their father left and demand their share from the house.
Their uncles and aunts (father’s brothers and sisters) explained to them their father did not leave much for them, but all was in vain.
The children did not listen.
They did not want to work and were just destructive.

It all started when she was driving to work and realised that there was no petrol in her car.
Her sons had taken the car on a joyride and when the petrol was almost finished, they parked the vehicle.
In a fit of rage, the woman woke up the sons who were struggling from a hangover.
She confronted them and they stopped short of telling her to go to hell.

She lost it, locked the door and removed all her clothes and told them that she was no longer their mother.
“Handichisiri amai venyu. Ndavamukadzi wenyu (I am no longer your mother, I am now your wife.)”
They tried to run away and climbed up the windows but they had burglar bars and they were not able to leave the house.

The mother pulled them down, the 24 and 26 men (sons) cried out for help and in the meantime covering up their mother with whatever they could get.
“Please mama, please mama, please. Please don’t do this to us, we are sorry.”
The boys smashed the burglar bars.

Where they got the strength and how they did it, no one knows, they ran for their lives. For the next three days, no one knew where they were.
At work, the supervisor was a mature and understanding person.
He talked to her to understand why she was acting strange and phoned her sister-in-law to take her home.

After three days, the sons came back and told their mother that they were going to South Africa to look for jobs.
She asked whether she could help with bus fare, but they said they were okay.
They left.

One day the mother got a surprise from a man who had been sent to deliver a car from her sons maybe as a gift or as compensation for their wrongdoings.
But does it take children to be sent back to Guruuswa to get it.
Today the mother wishes she had handled the situation in another way.

“Ndakapa vana vangu Ngozi (I opened up my children to avenging spirits). She regrets.”
This story sent chills down my spine.
An elderly woman said the children should gather their mother’s and father’s relatives and do a cleansing ceremony.

She said it was critical to do this while the mother is still alive to avoid woes for the children.
The mother’s relatives might not be as lenient. Some may be driven by greed to claim exorbitant monies, yet their mother might just ask for a cow or goat to have a cleansing ceremony.
A man of the cloth feels the house and the family have to be prayed for and advises that the mother gets counseling together with her sons.

If they don’t talk about what happened and apologise to each other, the case will remain unresolved.
I have been hearing stories that leave one on the verge of tears.
A certain woman now keeps her fridge in her bedroom as her daughter splashes all groceries on her boyfriend.
Solutions are needed in order to make parenting enjoyable.